I Hope All Their Shots Are Up To Date

I don’t know if this story is real or just something cooked up by Clorox to boost sales of bleach, but Us Weekly is reporting that Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto might be doing it. And by it, I mean rubbing their grimy, sweaty stank parts together on a pile of crusty underwear (you know they’re the type). A source says that the two had a sleepover at Jared’s house in early February and they’ve been hooking up ever since.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself: “Besides 9 out of 10 stamps on their Free Clinic loyalty card and the weird skin rash you get from being in the same room as Terry Richardson, what the fuck would 21-year-old Miley and 42-year-old Jared have in common?” Oh, lots of things! Dry shampoo, drop-crotch pants, My So-Called Life (“I’m just so into the 90s, y’all!” – Miley). But the source says they’ve also bonded over the following:

“They like to have a good time, they love to talk about art and music, and they’re both comfortable with nudity!”

I should hope so. Have you ever fucked on someone, and immediately after you finish they scream “DON’T TURN ON THE LIGHTS!!” and start sprinting around the room like a goddamn cum-covered Usain Bolt searching for their underwear? It’s a major bummer. No, what really concerns me is the kind of music the lead singer from 30 Seconds to Mars and the person responsible for Love Money Party are talking about. I’d literally rather picture their bare asses twerking on a trash bag filled with used bandaids than listen to more than 5 seconds of them repetitively asking each other: “How dope is this track? It’s totally dope, right?”