Panty Creamer Of The Day: Hugh Jackman On Bondi Beach

The shitty, shitty news (for me) is that I didn’t even come close to winning third place in MegaMillions, so I am not typing this post on a yellow diamond-encrusted MacBook Air on a bed stuffed with Prince Hot Ginge’s beard and pube hairs as a topless Anderson Cooper look-alike feeds me a rare Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pie. The good news for all of us who actually bought a ticket even though there’s a bigger chance of The Difficult Brown going to jail than us winning, the universe gave us a consolation prize: Hugh JackMeOff’s hairy nipples! It’s always a good day when my eyes land on Hugh’s torso fur, because it’s kind of shaped like a pencil dick with a mushroom head.

And does anybody have Duck Dynasty Phil’s P.O. Box address, because I really want to send him my holiday card, which is a picture of Hugh diving into a sea of man anuses.

Pics: Splash

Hugh Jackman’s Former Producing Partner Burps Up Some Racist, Homophobic Shit On Facebook

There was a time when Hugh JackMeOff and John Palermo were producing partners (you decide what they were producing together) and were joined at the (insert your body parts of choice here). Hugh and John ran a production company called Seed Productions (SEED!) together and John was a producer on X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Deception. Three years ago, Hugh and John broke up, took a cum rag to Seed Productions and went their separate ways. Hugh wanted to focus on acting and John got a new deal at Fox. Well, The Hollywood Reporter says that John’s deal with Fox ended a year ago and since then he’s been entertaining himself by spreading the racist and gay-hating fuckery on Facebook. Here’s just some of the shit he spewed out of his finger tips before he shut down his Facebook page.

On The Chenbot’s eyelid surgery: “I’m crazy about Julie Chen!!! Now that her eyes are finally open, she should leave Monster Moonves.”

On Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s mansion in Bel Air: “There goes the neighborhood!!! It looks like a Poor Persian Palace, where’s Kris Jenner when you need her?! #MoneyCantBuyADumbNiggaClass.”

On Anderson Cooper’s man opening a new bar in NYC: “#SmellsLikeLubeAndHIV.”

John told THR that his brain hasn’t crawled to the edge and jumped. He’s just a bored asshole living in the Valley and what do you do when you’re a bored asshole living in the Valley? You talk shit on the Internet, of course. Why is everybody looking at ME like that? Here’s what John said:

“Maybe people [who take offense] will look in the mirror and say, ‘When was the last time I called Les Moonves and asked for an African-American to play opposite me?’ I stopped caring about what Hollywood thinks of me years ago. I’ve got nothing to lose, nothing to gain. I’m a bored dude, unemployed, sitting at home in the Valley. For me, some of the best ways to overcome serious issues is to laugh about them. Because then you truly understand where that ignorance is coming from.”

Yup, he crazy. John is obviously going to do the damage control shuffle into rehab, but since he’s unemployed and probably sleeps all day, he can’t play the “exhaustion” card. Well, I guess he can play the “Hugh Jackman pulled out of my life” card, because that’s a valid reason to check into rehab.

Open Post: Hosted By Hugh Jackman And Jake Gyllenhaal

Here’s Hugh JackMeOff and Jake Gyllenhaal at last night’s Toronto International Film Festival premiere of Prisoners, which is a hardcore gay porn about a nudist men’s prison where the air conditioning doesn’t work and every inmate drops the soap. I wish. Never mind that Jake looks like somebody poured an entire bottle of Crisco over his head, he and Hugh laughed and giggled and cackled and laughed and laughed their b-holes off. They joked about how funny it would be if this picture was taken in the back of a closet and then they laughed about how Tom Cruise is probably going to Photoshop himself into the middle of this man sandwich. Laughs and giggles all around.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Bend That Pole, Hugh, Bend That Pole

Hugh JackMeOff wasn’t going to let puny ass Nick Jonas be the only trick showing his muscle-wrapped muscles off today, so he tweeted this picture of his skin screeching for dear life as it tries to hold in his bulging veins while he lifts a bunch of oversized checkers (or whatever those things are) at a gym in NYC. Once Hugh dropped the bar and re-attached his arms to his shoulders, he tweeted the note, “If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin.” That’s one of my mottos too! My other motto is, “If my guts ain’t bustin’, you ain’t a thrustin.”

There’s so much going on in this picture and I have a lot of questions. Who is that silver fox in the mirror? Is that Anderson Cooper sitting on a Sybian or is it Bob Tuschman? Does it looks like his peen is resting its head on that bar while his other muscles scream for mercy? Wouldn’t that extra chunky belt look better with a thin summer sweater and leggings? And are you making the same face Hugh is making when you look at those horrific ass glove shoes?! I don’t care if they serve a purpose. If you really don’t want Quentin Tarantino to flirt with your feet, put those dark-sided things on. Nobody will want to fuck your feet if you wear those. They’re like stained granny panties for your feet.

And about Hugh’s face…..

He looks like a bearded cherry tomato. Now we know what Hugh’s face looks like when he prolapses while suffering from a severe case of the hard shits and we also know what his face looks like the moment he realizes that getting DP’d isn’t really for him.

And I was joking when I said that nobody wants to hump Hugh’s feet in those glove shoes. I’d totally do Hugh’s feet, fugly ass glove shoes and all.

Old Magento Wants To Marry Young Magento

I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).

When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:

“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”

I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.

And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Getty

QOTD: The Time A Bunch Of Japanese Men Got To See Hugh Jackman’s Dick

While shooting Wolverine in Japan, Hugh JackMeOff visited some of the hot springs and didn’t know that the washcloth they give you when you check in is to cover up your goods. So he walked around ass lips naked and gave a bunch of Japanese dudes a full view of his snags and meatballs. Hugh said in an interview that after about an hour of displaying his nakedness, a dude finally let him know that the little towel’s supposed to be used as a peen curtain.

“The place is separated male and female and they hand you a towel, a small washcloth, and there are eight different types of tubs with heats of different temperatures. I’m getting so hot and I’m using the towel they gave me to dip into the cold water and put it on my head and I was getting very strange looks from everybody. I was feeling uncomfortable and finally this guy in the tub grunts and points to my head and then grunts and points to my private parts. Finally I realised the towel was meant to be covering my privates and I’d spent about an hour just waltzing around this place with this thing in one hand and a beer in my other!”

Hot springs? Uh huh, that’s a fancy name for BATH HOUSE. And I’m pretty sure that dude was offering Hugh JackMeOff a beej.

What I want to know is, WHERE IS THE VIDEO?! If someone can record a cell phone video of two sucio sluts leaving their sex juices on a seat while boning on BART, then someone can record a cell phone video of Hugh Jackman walking around naked in a Japanese spa. What’s the point of technology existing if we’re not going to use it to record a cell phone video of Hugh Jackman walking around naked with a beer in his hand?!