And Now For Some Homophobic Thoughts On Gay Sex And Man Anus From One Of The Duck Dynasty Dudes

In a shocking, unforeseen turn of events, the drunken child abandoner turned born again Christian millionaire turned hillbilly-for-pay star of A&E’s Duck Dynasty hates on gays and thinks that our dark-sided, butt fucking souls will be locked out of heaven. (I don’t know what heaven he’s talking about, but in my heaven lube shoots up from the clouds and there’s butt sex galore.) I know, we were all thinking that Phil Robertson would be the grand marshal of every gay pride parade, get a spin-off show on Logo and be the loudest champion for marriage equality in Louisiana. But he really knocked the butt plugs out of asses by going on an anti-gay rant. It’s long, so all the foolery is after the cut. 

GQ’s Drew Magary went to the backwoods of Louisiana to spend a little quality time with those Duck Dynasty hos and quickly learned why A&E hands those bitches scripts and edits the hell out of their show. Because if they didn’t put a muzzle on Phil’s talk hole, Duck Dynasty might not be a huge hit (it probably still would be) and it might not have spawned a $400 million empire. Phil tells Drew that he’s a serious Bible-thumper and then he gets deep into some man anus talk:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

You know, it doesn’t seem logical to me that there’s a vagina out there that would want to wrap around Phil’s dick, but here we are. After thoughts of man anus danced through Phil’s head, he goes on to say that being gay is the gateway to fucking animals:

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”

…says the dude who uses a whistle to make animals come to him. Duck-fucking sinner! And Phil was on a roll, so he went on:

“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

It’s funny he should say that, because “kingdom of God” has always been my nickname for man ass.

Phil says that even though he thinks gays won’t be on the list to get into heaven, he’ll leave it up to God to judge us and terrorists, because we’re practically the same thing.

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?”

After Phil got done spewing at the mouth about man anus, he gave us his thoughts on how the world would be a less murderous place if we all had Jesus on our spirits:

“All you have to do is look at any society where there is no Jesus. I’ll give you four: Nazis, no Jesus. Look at their record. Uh, Shintos? They started this thing in Pearl Harbor. Any Jesus among them? None. Communists? None. Islamists? Zero. That’s eighty years of ideologies that have popped up where no Jesus was allowed among those four groups. Just look at the records as far as murder goes among those four groups.”

And finally, since Phil didn’t offend enough groups of people, he said this about the civil rights movement:

“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field…. They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!… Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

Because A&E made him, Phil quickly released a statement where he tried to clarify the shit that came out of his mouth:

“I myself am a product of the ’60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the Bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”

I just can’t. None of this is surprising and after reading about Phil hating on man anus, I really need to cleanse my palate by jumping over to Sean Cody to look at close-ups of man anus. And I guess this means that it’s only a matter of time before one of those Duck Dynasty dudes gets caught sucking dick in the woods while using one of those duck whistles as a butt dildo.