Cruella de Stone And Other Tricks At Last Night’s WHCD

It really isn’t a Hollywood event until Sharon Stone shows up looking like she just skinned an animal alive before throwing its pelt onto her shoulders. Where was Goopy’s stylist with a pube-shaving razor, because Sharon’s jacket looks like a Kardashian merkin. How dreadful. And I can almost hear her feet crying out in humiliation from wearing those ugly ass peep-toe booties. While I appreciate it when a ho shows up looking like a wicked witch dominatrix at a funeral, the only way this look would’ve worked is if Sharon turned into a murder of crows at the end of the night.

The only time it’s okay to wear an outfit like this is if you’re about to pull out Kristen Stewart’s stoner heart in your medieval lair or you’re about to terrorize a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. That orange eyeshadow too… Did Sharon Stone really want her eyes to look like two sore b-holes in need of some Prep H?

With all that being said, Sharon was still the hottest messy bitch there, because everybody else showed up wearing boring rejected dresses from awards season. In order after Cruella de Stone: Rebel Wilson, Sofia Vergara, Hayden Pantyairs, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand’s tits with James Brolin and Donna Karan, Kerry Washington, Psy, Julie Bowen, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, some Duck Dynasty people, Anne Burrell Patricia Arquette, Katy Perry, Kate Mara, Natalie Dormer, the matron of the Death Eaters, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Gerard Butler with Piers Morgan.

Who Would You Rather?

I know, asking “Would I rather hump on Gerard Butler or Mel Gibson?” is like asking “Would I rather end up at the top of the CDC’s Most Wanted list or would I rather have my genitals banned by Jewish people, black people, gay people, women people, hispanic people, jacuzzis, etc….?”

So apparently, Mel Gibson and Gerard Butler are friends and together they terrorized Miami over the weekend. These pictures have got me craving an IV drip full of Gatorade and menudo, because they look like two hungover and hairy nutsacks in sunglasses. They’re like two rejected members of The Pussy Posse. But you know, Gerard is a genius for hanging out with Mel Gibson. Because next to Mad Mel, Gerard looks like a fresh piece of fresh ass and you completely forget that his crotch probably smells like a Limburger cheese and tonsil stones sandwich and you don’t even care that when he unzips his pants, an unidentified wart mysteriously grows on your genitals. Who cares! Give me Gerard! Give me a mysterious kind of STD! But don’t give me Mel Gibson!

Besides, call me vanilla, but when a sweaty piece is grunting over my back, I really don’t want to hear him moaning about how Jews are evil. I also don’t want a piece to threaten to burn my house down if I don’t tickle his huevos. Oh, and don’t call Mel’s ballsack “huevos” or he’ll demand to see your papers and call INS on you. That’s a total orgasm killer.

Jessica Biel Is Gerard Butler’s “One That Got Away”

Gerard Butler’s constantly wandering dick has a serious case of ADD and needs to constantly jump from one cooch to another, but some source tells Radar that he wished he would’ve shoved a Ritalin pill up his peen hole and settled down with Jessica Biel. Gerard and Jessica dated for a quick minute while she and Justin Timberlake were on a break, but it ended because she wanted to get married and pop out babies and he’s a high level man whore who gets the shakes if he doesn’t dip his peen into a new piece every five seconds. But Gerard regrets not stopping his slut ways to get into it deep with Jessica, because he’s lost his chance and he’ll have to wait forever for another chance (or he’ll just have to until she eventually divorces Justin in a couple of years). The source said this about Gerard’s feelings:

“Gerard doesn’t have many regrets but not treating Jessica with the respect she deserved while they dated is one of them. He genuinely believes she was the one that got away. Jessica liked Gerard a lot, she was into his boyish nature, but she wanted something more serious. She was ready to settle down. [Gerard is happy that Jessica married Justin] but he still thinks he missed out. He just wasn’t man enough to admit the feelings he had for her at the time.”

When I think of things that got away from Gerard Butler, I usually think of shampoo and a bar of soap, but now I’ll think of Jessica Biel. I’m sure Gerard Butler will never get over this and he’ll have to drown his sorrows in random chocha to temporarily forget about Jennifer, Jessie, Joshua or whatever her name was (Gerard’s words not mine). But Gerard should feel better knowing that whenever Jessica finds an old tub of Parkay in the back of her refrigerator and starts to clean off the margarine crust stuck to its lid, she’ll think of all the times she had to use a spoon to scrape the layers of dirty dick butter from the roof of her mouth after giving him a beej. At least they’ll always have that.

Here’s Mr. & Mrs. TimberBiel putting Operation Damage Control into action by handing out stuff to the victims of Hurricane Sandy in Far Rockaway, Queens over the weekend. 

Eminem Gets Him Some Pink

There’s my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he’s going to miss.  I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza.  HEARTS.

In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love.  I’m actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They’ve worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won’t Back Down on his Recovery LP in ’10.

According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia’s Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:

“He said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” “F*** yeah!”
I said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” and he said, “F*** yeah!”
‘Handshake. Nothing signed. Done.”

Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more “FUCK YEAH” at work and a lot less “yes ma’am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you”?? Wouldn’t it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
“You want this burger and fries bitch?”
“Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?”
“Fuck yeah!”

And second, fuck yeah.

Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning….HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don’t judge me.

And to celebrate Pink’s motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.

Porta Potty Sex: The Butler Did It!

Please clap your ass cheeks for man skank for all seasons, Gerard Butler, reaching the pinnacle of dirty slutdom by probably sexing on a piece he just met in a porta potty at Coachella over the weekend. You truly haven’t wished that the person before you took a post-Mexican deuce until you’ve walked into a porta potty and burned your nostril tips on Gerard Butler’s after-sex fumes. I can practically smell it from here and now I can say I know what a boiled egg rotting in a tub of used tampons on a subway platform smells like.

Gerard Butler is ten seconds out of rehab and every newly sober hos knows that the best place to continue on your road to sobriety is Coachella! You know, because it’s not like most people who go to Coachella need to freebase sand to deal with the sea of hippie hipsters from the Urban Outfitters commune. Page Six says that as far as they know, Gerard kept his body free of the bad shit at Coachella and instead he focused on feeding his other addiction: CHOCHA!

A source says that Gerard hit on piece after piece, and at one point he got close to a mysterious brunette (who may or may not be in the pictures below) at the T-Mobile party. The source says that Gerry and the mysterious brunette did the bump and grind on each other before going into a porta potty together.

I know, Gerry’s acts of romance never cease to amaze me. There is something poetic about staring into an abyss of hipster shit as Gerard Butler hits it from the back. I bet Gerry’s mystery piece realized that was one of the most beautiful moments of her life when afterward he asked her if she wanted to wipe her coochie off with the bottom of his shirt. Always a gentlemen, that Gerry!

Not Even A Married Woman Can Resist The Butler’s Sexual Charms

Marriage vows are as sacred as an In-N-Out VIP black card in Hollywood, so it should set your emotion dial to “shock” to read that an aspiring actress/model (see: 99.98% of the popular in Hollywood) broke hers to slip and slide all over the oil slick with a peen known as Gerard Butler. But who can blame her? Stare at the picture above and try to tell me that you wouldn’t want to see that between your thighs?

Radar is calling out bona fide skankatarian Gerard Butler for using his sledgehammer dick to break down the walls of some trick’s happy home. Before Gerard dried himself out in rehab, he allegedly screwed on a married woman and was the reason why she dropped her husband. A source says that Gerard got friendly with the married ho and her husband before he started spreading his peen queso all over her muffin. They went at it for a while and when her husband found out, she called things off with Gerard for a quick minute to try to save her marriage. It didn’t work and the woman realized that she couldn’t live without Gerard’s “chomping on sardines covered in Thousand Island” sex faces and so she left her husband for him. But by then, Gerard was over that shit and was already passing his peen to other tricks in the land. The source put it like this:

“She thought Gerard wanted to be in a relationship with her but then she found out he was involved with other girls, and hadn’t been exactly honest with her about what was going on in his life.”

[The woman] began calling Gerard incessantly and he changed his cell phone number. She hasn’t been in touch with him since he decided to go to rehab. Gerard has obviously moved on but she is now going through a divorce and trying to support her son (from a previous relationship).”

Radar also says this stupid bitch screwed around on her husband with Dave Navarro while he was still married to Carmen Electra.

This star fucking bitch really needs more people in her life to tell her that you can’t turn a Butler into a housewife. You play with fire, you’re going to get burned. You play with the Butler, you’re also going to get burned and he’s not going to be there to massage topical ointment into the warts he gave you. We’re all taught in sex education class that Gerard Butler is a hit it, quit it, immediately to go the free clinic before the infection sets in kind of ho. I swear.

As my spirit animal Latrice from RuPaul’s Drag Race would say: I only have 5 Gs for you, GOOD GOD GET a GRIP GIRL.