The Butler Is In Rehab

The percentage of coochies that have been Butlere’d plummeted to record lows earlier this month and it made the makers of the morning-after pill and lube cry themselves into the fetal position over their uncertain futures. But they can all slap themselves out of it, because Gerard Butler will be released back into the wild today and hopefully his ass will be better than ever. TMZ heard through the tip line that man slut extraordinare Gerard Butler has been drying out in the House of Betty Ford for the past three weeks. Gerard has been getting treated for an addiction to pain pills and cocaine (street name: Lohan powder).

A source type says that while shooting 300 back in 2006, Gerard suffered several injuries that left him fucked up physically and he started guzzling down painkillers to deal with the pain. Gerard’s addiction to dolls got really out of control after he was badly hurt while shooting the surfing movie Of Men and Mavericks in Northern California in December. Gerard realized that he was a gay husband away from becoming Neely O’Hara and so he checked into rehab. The source also says that Gerard regularly tickles his nostrils with coke dust, but his main addiction is with painkillers. Gerard is supposed to check out of Betty Ford today.

Here’s hoping that Gerard curbs his addiction soon, because there’s a lot of lonely and cold assholes out there that need a poking from his no-no loving finger.

Gerard Butler Burns Brandi Glanville

Brandi Glanville is known as everything from Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife to the trick who called Kim Richards a meth whore on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to LeAnn Rimes’ body snatching victim, but to Gerard Butler she’s known as “WHO?!” And that burns more than the sores that will rise from your genitals a day after wet humping on Gerard.

Brandi recently bragged to Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live that she spent an entire week diving down into Gerry’s greasy crotch bush and she rated his sex skills an 11 out of 10. While Gerry was walking around L.A. yesterday, TMZ asked him about what Brandi said and he rated her a solid ?. Gerry broke a ho down when he said, “Who’s Brandi Glanville?”

Don’t you hate it when that happens? It’s worse when you run into one of your one nighters at a bar or a party and they seriously ask you if you’ve met before. You crack your glass with your teeth to keep yourself from telling him that it would probably jog his memory if he stuck his nuts in your mouth. I mean, can’t a slut get some respect? Anyway….

Brandi is sticking by her story and told Rumor Fix that Gerry even called her up to tell her that he pretended like he doesn’t know her, because he’s such a private person.

“He called me last night and told me he said it. He is upset because he is a private person. I don’t lie so I don’t really care.”

This is what Brandi gets for violating the ho code by naming names. Besides, I don’t know why she’s admitting that she screwed on Gerard Butler. That will only get your name on a list at the Health Department and it doesn’t earn you some kind of special slut badge since everybody has screwed on that man whore. If you walked into any bar right now and asked every ho in there to raise their hand if they have ever taken a ride on Gerry’s grease stick, you’d see a sea of armpits.

Then again, there’s a chance that Brandi never rubbed her nipples on Gerry. Maybe she got her Butlers mixed up and she really fucked Brett Butler.

Brandi Glanville & Gerard Butler Made Beautiful Jerky Love Together

Life & Style says that at a party in Malibu over the weekend, LeAnn Rimes’ life idol Brandi Glanville stuck her lizard tongue down the dark tunnel of random pussy juices that is Gerard Butler’s man whore throat. Eddie Cibrian better start hiding cash in a bread box in the food pantry (a place LeAnn will never ever go), because it looks like her ass is about to sink her bony claws into another one of Brand’s pieces. Eddie has been warned.

A witness at the party says that when Brandi and Gerard weren’t filling their mouths with the sweet nectar, they were filling their mouths with each other’s saliva. The witness put it like this: “They were at a private beach party — drinks were flowing, and one thing led to another. Next thing you know, they’re dancing together to some music, hands started getting frisky and it was a full-on make-out! Everyone saw it. One girl tried to snap a photo of it on her phone, but Gerard politely asked for privacy.”

This is not surprising. Brandi will hump on anything that will get her a blurb in Life & Style (well played) and Gerard will hump on anything period. Don’t believe me, if you ever need to make chicken fried steak and don’t have a tenderizer handy, just throw the meat toward Gerry. Gerry will pound that meat until it’s pan ready. Yes, there will be bits of genital wart skin stuck inside of it, but just eat it with a condom over your tongue.

But still. Brandi and Gerry making out in public? Gross. It probably looked like a banana slug eating a praying mantis and sounded like a Whoopee Cushion getting hit with a sponge full of bacon grease.

Here is a visual artist’s interpretation of what it feels like to watch Brandi Analglandville and Gerry Slutler make out:

Gerard Butler’s Abs Are A Mystery To Me

Maybe it’s because my own “abs” look like the bloated ass of a pig with an anorexic anus and the only other time I see dude abs is on celebwhores who obviously implanted plastic biscuits into their stomachs, but Gerard Butler’s torso is making me bust out a Jessica Fletcher face. Right before a charity football match in Glasgow the other day, Greasy Gerry posed with his tongue and abs out in the locker room while Henrik Larsson wondered why his stomach looks like two sideways butts fading into each other. I see it too, Henrik, I see it too.

Gerry used to be as ripped as one of Kellan Lutz’s nipples, and then he gained a little chunk, and now it looks like he’s about step 2 into Christian Bale’s DIY Machinist Diet. Gerry’s abs went from a six-pack to a keg and now they look like a six-pack that has been drained and crushed. This tells me that once you get a six-pack, you cannot stop doing crunches EVER or your torso will turn into the face of a skinny blob fish.

So thanks for that, Gerry. Now I don’t feel guilty about ignoring that ab crunch machine when I’m going to the elliptical at the gym. YES! Stop the everything, I’ve actually been doing exercise shit for about 10 minutes every two weeks. But only because I practically need an asthma inhaler after I move my mouse too fast. And because being on the elliptical makes me feel like I’m climbing up a never-ending flight of stairs with a big black dildo in each hand.

And for the record, I still would (Gerry AND the big black dildos on the elliptical).

Looking Good, Gerry, Looking Good

If you just so happened to be in Malibu over the weekend and wondered why hundreds of schools of fishes were swimming around the shore, it wasn’t because Parasite Hilton went skinny dipping and the sea life thought that a new all-you-can eat buffet had opened up. Nope. It was because Gerard Butler went swimming in the ocean and the sea life KNEW an all-you-can buffet had opened up. You really haven’t seen shit until you’ve seen thousands of fish swim up through Gerry Butler’s trunks to nibble on the greasy smegma his dirty dick serves up! It’s kind of like when you go to Red Lobster and the servers put down that basket of bottomless cheese biscuits (Off-Topic: Bottomless Cheese Biscuits is my nickname in certain circles). It’s like that. Grossness aside….

Here’s the man slut extraordinaire and human grease slick Gerry Butler hanging around Malibu this past weekend in a Panama Hat (or a Havana Hat, or whatever that is on his head). My mom and auntie are in town so I’ve been forced to step outside my hermit whore hole (Off-Topic: Hermit Whore Hole is my nickname in certain circles) and I’ve noticed that every single bitch on the street is wearing a Panama Hat now. EVERYBODY! Babies, douchebags, hookers, lezzies, gays, memaws, pepaws, squirrels, roaches, etc.. etc.. They are all wearing them! The Panama Hat is the Trucker Hat of 2011 and I can’t take everybody trying to look like a Cuban drug kingpin. How are you supposed to know which Cuban drug kingpin sells the bad shit if everybody looks like a Cuban drug kingpin? It’s confusing!

Let’s fast forward pass this trend and get to the point in history where everybody wears metal Boy London caps again.

Mah Boo IS Fashion

When I first read that the tingle in my loins Anderson Cooper was hosting the CFDA Fashion Awards, my first brain fart was that it makes sense why he checked “HELL NO NEVER NO” on the eVite I sent to the CNN general e-mail address asking him to attend my own CFDA (stands for: Come Fuck Dis Ass) event. I forgive him for that. My second thought was that it makes all the sense in the world that The Silver Fox would host the Oscars of fashion (that’s what it is, right?).

Mah Boo comes from the Vanderbilt fashion dynasty AND he was a tween Ford model. Yeah, Ford, I know. We shouldn’t hold that against him. It’s not his fault that he didn’t grow up near the esteemed Barbizon Model Academy in Anaheim, CA, the third modeling capital of Orange County (after Santa Ana and Fountain Valley, of course). Mah Boo can’t help it that he only knows how to pose in front of a camera and never learned secret Barbizon tips like how to remove a suede bomber jacket while struttin’ down the runway and how to keep your back to the door while leaving a casting director’s office. (Fuck to me, I just gave away those secrets. There goes my right to use the “Looks Like a Model” tagline on my business card.)

Here’s more of Mah Boo showing the fashion world how it’s done last night. A little fact, though. That pillar behind Mah Boo was just ordinary until his butt burped and BAM! Crystallized.

I also threw in some pictures of Gerard Butler and Kanye West, because after getting burn marks on your nipples from Anderson Cooper’s hotness, you’ll need to treat them with douche water (provided by Kanye) and Scottish grease (provided by G. But).