Proud Scientologist of 30 years, Jenna Elfman, of Dharma & Greg, EDtv (the poor man’s Truman Show), and that Walking Dead spin-off fame, is so over all the negativity surrounding her “religion”. After all, Scientology has done her good! It’s basically the only reason she and her husband have never cheated on each another. So she’s “Keeping the Faith” and defending her cult.
In order to have a cult you need to have a charismatic leader. And while the legions of Thirty Seconds To Mars fans, collectively called The Echelon, may be willing to travel hundreds of miles and spend thousands of dollars to follow Jared Leto to Croatia to participate in some half-baked cult themed flash mob, that doesn’t make him a cult leader. While Jared may be cute, he ain’t charismatic. Therefore, there is no cult! This is cult 101, folks!
A real-life Dynasty story arc came to be last year when Catherine Oxenberg (that’s Amanda Carrington #1 to us Dynasty tramps) began a public mission to free her 27-year-old daughter India Oxenberg from the cult NXIVM. It was the first time I had heard of NXIVM, and to me it sounded like the name of a non-FDA-approved knock-off of Nexium that can only be bought from the trunk a Toyota parked in a Tijuana alley way. If NXIVM was a medicine, side effects would include suddenly developing an ugly brand on your skin, getting shot nerves from Chloe from Smallville yelling at you, and ending up with a brainwashed brain.
Catherine actually got India into NXIVM after hearing it was some kind of self-help group. Catherine checked out of it because she found it creepy, but India stayed. Catherine didn’t think anything of India staying until she heard that India had been recruited into the harem of NXIVM’s founder Keith Raniere. India had gotten scary skinny and her hair was falling out. Catherine begged India to come home, but India didn’t and ended up going radio silent on her family. Since then, Catherine has been working to get India out, and on Megyn Kelly Today, she pretty much said that her daughter is out. Praise Bea (Arthur, who is the God of my religion)!
Allison Mack, who used to be known as the harmless unflavored microwave oatmeal blonde from Smallville and is now known as the alleged sex slave recruiter for a cult called NXIVM, is currently sitting in a NYC jail cell on sex trafficking and forced labor charges. Allison pleaded not guilty to the charges, and she and the leader of the sex slave cult, Keith Raniere, are both facing a life locked up in the clink forever. Allison is apparently looking to cut a plea deal with the feds (translation: Bitch is ready to spill it and turn on her former sex slave master), and as she does that, more bits of chunky messy details are popping up in this giant bowl of thick fuckery.
Could it be that Robert Sylvester Kelly is finally shook? Pee Pee tape originator R. Kelly has disabled commenting on his Instagram feed for the first time since I’ve been covering him. It’s probably no coincidence that this move comes on the heels of yet another accusation of sexual misconduct by a woman who claims Kelly intentionally gave her an STD while training her for his alleged sex cult. R. Kelly categorically denies all allegations against him, including that his feet are cracked and ashy and that he does such a bad job wiping his ass he has perma poo-butt.
Here’s a “Where are they now?” that no one probably saw coming back in the early 2000s. But this is definitely the sort of update that is bound to make Entertainment Weekly consider scratching Smallville off their list of future TV teen drama reunion covers.