Calling Alexis Carrington! Your Daughter Amanda Carrington #1 Needs You!

The face of Catherine Oxenberg, who played Amanda Carrington #1 for two seasons on Dynasty, has been at the top of People’s page all morning. And while I think that a Dynasty cast member should be at the top of People’s page all the time, Catherine Oxenberg is on People for some serious shit. Catherine is trying to save her 26-year-old daughter India Oxenberg from what she says is a cult that has brainwashed her daughter and also milked India’s inheritance. The cult isn’t Scientology, so Little Lord David Miscavige is probably getting on Tom Cruise’s shoulders so he can slap each one of his Scientology account managers for not nabbing Catherine Oxenberg’s daughter!

Catherine tells People that she’s the one who actually introduced India to the group six years ago. Catherine says that in 2011, she heard about a “self-improvement group” called NXIVM (pronounced nex-eye-um) and thought that it was something she and India could get into together. Catherine bounced out of that bitch fast, because she found it “weird and creepy.” India stayed and ended up spending her inheritance on expensive classes.

NXIVM has been around since 1998 and describes itself as a life-coaching program, but some ex-members have described it as being a dangerous cult ran by a schemer and abuser named Keith Raniere. Before becoming the leader of NXIVM, 57-year-old Keith Raniere (or “Vanguard” as some of his followers call him) ran a discount-buying club that was shut down by the feds for allegedly being a pyramid scheme. Keith paid a settlement even though he claimed he was innocent. Earlier this month, The New York Times did a story about a former member of NXIVM who said that there’s a secret sisterhood within the group where the women are branded with Keith Raniere’s initials and treated like slaves.

The site Artvoice has many, many stories about NXIVM and Keith’s alleged harem of sex slaves.

Catherine says she wasn’t too concerned about India being involved with NXIVM until this past April when her friend Bonnie Piesse, who left the group earlier this year, told her that she needs to save her daughter. Catherine found out that India is in Keith Raniere’s harem, where she’s been brainwashed and thinks she needs to punish herself by starving. Bonnie said this to Catherine:

“India was in a bad situation. One time she told me that she wasn’t going to eat for three days [out of ] penance to try and correct her behavior.”

The last time Catherine talked to India was in May. India’s hair was falling out and she told her mother that she hadn’t had her period in a year. India came to L.A. to visit her mom and was really skinny. Catherine begged India to get help and to stay, but she wouldn’t listen and went back to Albany, NY where NXIVM is based. India cut off all contact with Catherine after that.

People says that India recently claimed on Facebook that she’s great and is not putting herself in danger.

Catherine has turned to People because she’s desperate to get India to come home:

“I’m helpless. I’ve lost my child and will do whatever I can to get her back.”

It’s obvious what needs to happen here. The CW needs to cancel that blasphemous Dynasty reboot (which I watch, because I’m weak, weak, I tell you!) and use the money to putting together an all-star glamour rescue team to save India Oxenberg. The rescue team must consist of Alexis Carrington (whose speciality is seduction, cat fighting and taking over companies), Sammy Jo Carrington (whose speciality is hypnotizing her foes with her hot dance moves), Dominique Deveraux (whose speciality is slapping and paralyzing her enemies with her glamour and potent bitch glares), Sable Colby (whose speciality is being devastatingly gorgeous) and Krystle Carrington (whose speciality is boring her rivals to death). Wikipedia tells me that Linda Evans dabbled in NXIVM once, so the all-star glamour rescue group already has an in!

Now we just have to find a way to bring Nolan Miller back from the dead. We need him to design camouflage catsuits complete with shoulder pads and gloves that can easily be slipped off to slap cult leaders down!

And because this story needs a palate cleanser and Dame Joan Collins is the ultimate palate cleanser, here she is at some event earlier this month.

Pics: Wenn.com