Category: Coron-NO SHE BETTA DON’T
Disney Postponed A Bunch Of Movies Including Steven Spielberg’s “West Side Story”
It’s days like today that I miss shirking all my responsibilities and taking myself for a sneaky matinee the most. Sadly, it’s just not an option right now and god knows when it will ever be again. Variety confirms that there’s really no reason for anyone to be putting their phone in airplane mode anytime soon since Disney (which owns damn near everything), has postponed a whole bunch theatrical release dates, most into next year. While it is decidedly “bad news for the exhibition industry,” at least it gives moviegoers an entire year to forget those pesky sexual assault allegations against Ansel Elgort because West Side Story is now scheduled to come out next December.
Today In Shocking News: The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally Has Been Labeled A “Superspreader” Event
I woke up at my usual time this morning and it was full-on dark inside but when I looked outside I said, “girl, look how fucking orange you look, girl.” Smash Mouth is also from Northern California so I imagine they too experienced a rude awakening only it wasn’t just an apocalyptic orange sky to make them gulp and say “oh shit.” According to a new study conducted by San Diego State University’s Center for Health Economics & Policy Studies, the scene of Smash Mouth’s last-ditch attempt at relevancy, the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, was a “Superspreader” event, which isn’t nearly as sexy as it sounds.
An Influencer Cried About Getting Quarantined In Rwanda After Testing Positive For COVID-19
TikTok influencer Charly Jordan recently documented an incredibly harrowing experience of testing positive for COVID-19 while vacationing in Rwanda wherein she was forced to spend 4 days in a 3-star hotel room. She was deprived of food (she liked), separated from her fellow TikTokers, and worst of all, she was left with only her own deep thoughts for company. Charly used the time to evaluate her life choices, from the spelling of her name to how her dogged reliance on external validation has contributed to society’s decline into performative living and a general decrease in self-esteem and individualism as well as her own mental health. Haha, got you, this dingus got on Tik Tok and cried a million albino crocodile tears about how unfairly she was treated.
Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin Flouted Quarantine And Threw A House Party
Don’t worry guys, Justin Bieber isn’t just periodically posting lazy memes in order to fulfill his promise to “speak up about racial injustice and systemic oppression,” he’s also doing his part to support the Black Lives Matter movement by throwing a party to celebrate the birth of his Black friend, rapper Justine Skye. Proof that Justin can walk the talk (let’s give him a pass on being able to spell the words), he and wife Hailey Baldwin bravely faced off against Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti’s ban on social gatherings and risked having their water turned off (not that Justin showers but Hailey might like a cup of tea) in order to host a bevy of Hollywood elites (OK, Calabasas krabs) at their Beverly Hills mansion. Justin even went so far as to hug Kylie Jenner upon arrival. Talk about bravery!
Smash Mouth Performed For A Big Crowd At The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally
The doctor walks in the room with a serious expression on his face. You brace yourself for the worst. He asks “do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first.” You reply, as anyone in the situation might, “the bad news please, doctor,” wishing more than anything to get it out of the way. With a heavy sigh, the doctor lays a gloved hand over yours and looks you in the eye to say “you’ve tested positive for COVID-19 and should get your affairs in order.” Crushed and confused, knowing the only person you’ve had contact with for months was your creepy cousin Brent who dropped by unannounced earlier in the week looking to borrow $20 for gas money, you ask for the good news. The doctor’s face lights up as he proclaims “Hey now, you’re an all star, get your game on, go play! It’s Smash Mouth COVID-19!” You die. The End.
“Covidiot” Influencer Arielle Charnas Received A PPP Loan Of Up To $350K For Her Fashion Company
If there’s one good thing to come out of this coronavirus situation it’s knowing that no matter how bad things get, our government has done everything in its power to provide society’s most vulnerable, you know, Instagram inflencers and the like, with a safety net in #TheseUncertainTimes. According to Page Six, fashion brand Something Navy received $350,000 PPP loan which might help make up for the damage done to its reputation when founder Arielle Charnas packed up her family (including the nanny) and ran off to the Hamptons after her rich-lady backdoor COVID-19 test came back positive. All of which she documented on social media like she really did something, when all she really did was piss off a whole lot of people and earn the distinction of becoming the “poster child for what not to do in a pandemic.” So naturally the government gave her many handfuls of cash.