A Strange Thing Happened Yesterday…

Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.

If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.

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Kate Hudson And Chris Martin Might Be A Thing That Is Happening

Oh boy, here we go – time to play another game of what famous basic blonde is Chris Martin sticking his dick in now. The last time we checked, Chris Martin was still bumping his mopey scarf parts against Jennifer Lawrence’s pizza pocket, but that was back in February, so who even knows that their deal is. Regardless, TMZ thinks something might be up because Chris Martin spent his Saturday at the beach with a 3-months-single Kate Hudson. The beach? In the words of The Ashleys: scandalous!

Obviously, going to the beach doesn’t necessarily mean that two horny tricks are passing fuck fluids, especially since they brought their kids with them (and by the looks of the pics on TMZ, a whole mess more. For real, who do all those random kids belong to?). But if Grease has taught me anything, it’s that nasty shit goes down at the beach. Also, UsWeekly threw up a picture of Kate Hudson on her beach date/not date and she wearing a body chain, aka The Slut’s Rosary. Then again, Chris Martin was wearing some kind of surfer Mormon wetsuit thing, so who knows what was going on.

All I really know is that I’m jealous as hell that those two spent Saturday on the beach. Know how I spent my Saturday? Trying to get the radiator in my cold-ass office to work while I search the internet for “When will sun come out to not make face look like Lydia from Beetlejuice no more“.

Martin Lawrence Went To Harry Styles’ 21st Birthday Party

I just got a little excited picturing Harry Styles at home watching Black Knight on DVD, but then I realized we’re talking about the boring Martin Lawrence, and I was like “Oh, that makes much more sense.” On Saturday night, pint-sized hipster heartthrob Harry Styles celebrated his 21st birthday in Los Angeles with his current contract piece, panty model Nadine Leopold, as well a whole mess of famous types, including Adele, Rashida Jones, Adam Levine, the only Kardashian with an actual job Kendull Jenner, and Cara Delevingne. And if that wasn’t a random enough guest list, People says the human mug of Theraflu Chris Martin and the manic hottie dream fart Jennifer Lawrence were there too.

People says there were no cameras allowed inside Harry’s birthday, so we don’t really know for sure if Martin Lawrence was actually there at all. After all, pictures of Martin Lawrence are as rare as a clear shot of Bigfoot. For all we know, it could have been Chris Martin standing next to a sexy enchanted piece of pizza, or Jennifer Lawrence holding a very large sleepy-looking scarf. Or the actual Martin Lawrence. What? Maybe he was there to pop out of a cake dressed as Sheneneh to sing “Happy Birthday”. That’s what I’d want for my birthday.

Speaking of cake, People says Harry had four birthday cakes. FOUR. CAKES. Sorry, remember what I said about Sheneneh popping out of a cake? I take it back. I’d want four cakes. If one was to have Martin Lawrence dressed as Sheneneh inside it, that’s fine. And I’m guessing he had four cakes in case one of his guests (cough JLAW cough) decided to prove how fun and down to earth they are by smashing a handful of cake into someone’s face. “Okay, if you want chocolate, vanilla, or lemon chiffon, you’re over here. If you want attention, that red velvet with extra icing in the corner is for you.“

Martin Lawrence Are Still At It, Recently Had A Romantic Candlelit Dinner

Once again, the real Martin Lawrence is sitting in his mansion (Big Momma’s House) reading this headline with a confused look on his face and thinking “Daaaaamn Gina, I don’t remember lighting a bunch of candles and eating dinner like I was Harry Potter in the Great Hall or some such whimsical bullshit.”

It appears that the soggy bowl of Kashi Good Friends cereal that is the relationship between humanized nap Chris Martin and sexy fart Jennifer Lawrence is still a thing that is happening (that sound you just heard was Gwyneth Paltrow submerging herself in a hand-carved Italian crystal bath tub and letting out a full-body scream). According to People, Martin Lawrence were spotted having a romantic dinner last week in Los Angeles. A source says Martin Lawrence snuck in the back door of the restaurant and proceeded to sit at a candlelit table for almost two hours. They ordered several plates of food and split a dessert. Ew, really? They split a dessert? That date sounds like my idea of Hell. A looky-loo sitting near Martin Lawrence said:

“They looked happy and just focused on each other. They were smiling, talking and very friendly”

Chris Martin totally strikes me as the type of dude who shows up to a date holding one single cellophane-wrapped red rose, so a candlelit dinner sounds right up his alley. But I didn’t think candles and splitting a slice of cheesecake was rill enough for America’s Kewl Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence. She seems more like a ripping-chicken-wing-farts-while-chugging-a-growler-of-beer type of girl. Next time Chris should do her right and take her to the dirty Dave & Busters (there’s always a “dirty” one). Or maybe he’s saving D&B for something special, like the night he proposes. “Darling, before you dig into your Mountain O’ Nachos, I believe you might want to take a look inside that pile of guacamole…“

So It Looks Like Martin Lawrence Is Still A Thing…

Once again, somewhere in a giant mansion in Beverly Hills (mansion name: Big Momma’s House) , the real Martin Lawrence is thinking “Daaaaamn Gina, I don’t remember being two blonde people eating sushi.” So, the last time we checked in on the comings and goings of human scarf Chris Martin and the pizza fart queen Jennifer Lawrence’s horny down-lows, they were still rubbing against each other after it was rumoured that they had stopped. Then things went quiet and we didn’t hear much about them again, until yesterday when a picture of Martin Lawrence at a sushi restaurant in Studio City on Tuesday night surfaced on Tumblr (via People). According to People, a source (ie. a talking piece of yellowfin tuna) describes their dinner experience as the following:

“They were engulfed in their little world of conversation. They were into each other and not noticing anyone else around them. [Martin Lawrence] seemed to be just content with each other. He was really listening to what she was saying.”

Well, I should hope so – imagine if he’d invited her out for spicy salmon rolls and spent the whole night texting Gwyneth Paltrow? RUDE! Sushi dates are special and should be treated as such. No word on whether or not they also spent New Years Eve together, but I’m sure if they did, it was equally as thrilling.

Or maybe they’re not even on a date? Maybe JLaw was there alone trying to enjoy a plate of sushi pizza in peace, when the come-to-life throw blanket spotted her from across the restaurant, invited himself over, and started helping himself to whatever was on her plate. He seems like the type.

Pic: Tumblr

Gwyneth Paltrow Refers To Her Mother In The Most Goopy Way Imaginable

Shocking, I know: an insufferable snob like Gwyneth Paltrow is an insufferable snob in all aspects of her life, including her own mother. “Ew, we don’t like to use the word mother – it’s just so pedestrian. She’s my biological birth being. Correct yourself, you uncultured skank.” And if you can believe it, it’s actually so much more goopy than that.

According to Page Six, Gwyneth was hanging out in the Hamptons with her ex-husband Chris Martin at a spa. Sleepy McScarf was paying for a one-hour massage for The Corn Broom while she texted away on her exclusive communication instrument (Gwyneth doesn’t use a cellphone like the unwashed masses). A source claims that Chris asked Gwyneth who she was talking to, and she responded: “Blythe Danner“. BLYTHE DANNER??? That bitch name-dropped her own mother! The only way she could have gotten any goopier would be if she had replied: “Blythe Danner, mother of Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow“.

Or maybe she responded with “Blythe Danner” because she was mad at Chris Martin and wasn’t in the mood for lighthearted colloquialisms like “mom“. The source says he bought her a massage, but it doesn’t say what kind of massage. I bet she was still pissed off that when she laid down on the massage table, someone started rubbing her back with their hands. “Human hands? Excuse me? Blythe Danner’s daughter would NEVER! Did you run out of imported young tiger paws or something?“