What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

Because LeAnn Rimes thinks she’s the sexy hot stepmom, she went to her stepson’s baseball game yesterday dressed like a down-and-out train track whore on her day off. This outfit is a bigger mess than LeAnn’s sanity. It doesn’t really bother me that she wore skank shorts to a children’s event, it bothers me that she wore those shorts with that sweater. Tacky!

I mean, who wears that kind of sweater with shorty shorts usually worn by a go-go boy at a goth gay club? That shit doesn’t go together. Either wear that sweater with white cotton coochie cutters and high heel Chucks or wear those plastic shorts with a latex bra and a velvet choker. Poor boy had to try to hit the ball while his stepmom was sitting on the bleachers wearing the worst walk of shame outfit ever.

And did LeAnn screw with her mug again, because she’s starting to look like a Dark Crystal pantyhose doll that got mangled in the wash.

Khloe Kardashian Sniffed Kim And Kourtney’s Koochies To See Whose Smells Better

If that headline didn’t make your genitals shrivel up and fall off your body before slithering out the door, then watching this clip from last night’s episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami will.

During last night’s episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle, Khloe Kartrashian tells Kim and the slow one that she read that drinking pineapple juice makes your pussy taste sweet, so they put it the test. Dumping an entire Domino sugar factory into Kim’s koochie couldn’t make it sweet, but she goes for it anyway. At around the 32:30 mark in the video above, Kim and Kourtney take turns wiping their chochas on cloth napkins for Khloe to sniff on. Khloe tells the camera, “We’re sisters, if I can’t smell their pusses, what else are we supposed to do?” There’s so many things these bitches can do as sisters. They can throw themselves into oncoming traffic. They can hold hands and jump into an active volcano together. They can feed themselves to wolves. They can do so many things!

After smelling Kim and Kourtney’s pussy fumes, Khloe declares Kim the winner.

A wookie must have a weak sense of smell, because any other person would’ve fallen to the floor, convulsed and started foaming at the mouth once they sniffed Kim’s kunt kreme. The producers of Dirty Jobs wanted Mike Rowe to work as Kim’s gyno for one episode and even he couldn’t say yes to that.

Either this pussy smelling contest was rigged or Bruce Jenner was hiding in the other room and Kim wiped her cloth between his butt cheeks, because you know he smells like a sugar cube dipped in hummingbird juice. I swear, these sucio slags. I kan’t with them.

And here’s KKK’s kreator, Pimp Mama Kris, at the launch of Chunky Rob’s sock line in Las Vegas. I’m surprised Kim and Kourtney didn’t rub their boxes one of Rob’s socks. PMK is slipping, because she definitely missed that product placement opportunity.

Michael Lohan Kanye’d Mark Heller’s Press Conference

You can almost hear the words, “I will kick you the vagina,” jumping out of his shout hole.

I can’t find video of it, but the best moment from Lindsay Lohan’s Fun Time Court Hour happened after she pleaded no contest and a judge sentenced her to 90 days in a spa. Lindsay Lohan’s tiny and tanned lawyer, Mark Heller, held a press conference afterward where he spewed all kinds of ridiculousness like she doesn’t have a substance abuse problem and she’s going to come out of this with dignity and grace. It’s like his tiny tongue was possessed by White Oprah. Mark Heller kept yammering on and then he nearly jumped out of his Underoos when Michael Lohan started screaming at him from off camera. When Michael Lohan got closer to the podium, Mark Heller ran the hell out of there. It was like watching my chihuahua jump and run for cover when a car backfires.

After Mark Heller ran back to his office in the Keebler Forest, Michael Lohan got on the mic and farted  at the mouth about how Mark Heller is just using Lindsay Lohan for attention and is going to lose his license to practice law. Michael, who’s about as reliable as a crumbly piece of dried dog shit, claims that Mark Heller never kept LiLo updated during plea deal negotiations and committed an illegal act by tampering with a witness. TMZ says that the Santa Monica Attorney is investigating Mark Heller for allegedly trying to get LiLo’s assistant Gavin to lie on the stand. Mark allegedly wanted Gavin to say he was the one driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi.

Michael Lohan ended the press conference he hijacked by saying that rehab is the best place for LiLo and then he pulled out a Styrofoam cup and asked the reporters to drop a few coins in there, because he can’t afford to pay for parking. I love how Michael Lohan is telling Mark Heller to stop using his daughter for publicity when he’s up there using his daughter for publicity. Michael Lohan is the only one who can shout his daughter’s name while humping on the spotlight.

Here’s some pictures of the sunburnt turtle getting ragey outside of the court house and also some pictures of LiLo redefining the phrase “rode hard and put away wet.“

Charlie Sheen Wants You To Send Rotten Eggs And Dog Shit To His Daughter’s School

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richard’s daughter Sam had to leave her school for good, because she was being bullied by a 9-year-old girl and the school didn’t do anything about it. So how did Charlie Sheen handle the situation? Charlie told all of his Twitter followers to write the name of his daughter’s bully in dog shit on the front door of the Viewpoint School in Calabasas, CA. Isn’t that what all parents would do? Here’s Charlie being as sane and reasonable as always:

CADRE!
This is a legitimate call to arms.
my daughter Sam was bullied out of Viewpoint school and then called a liar.
it’s on!
if you have a rotted egg
a roll of toilet paper
or some dog shit;
I urge u to deliver it with “extreme prejudice”
to their KamPuss run by trolls and charlatans.
make me proud.
we will not tolerate this level of
abhorrent disrespect towards the child of your favorite Warlock.
And if your feeling the
“show and tell” of it all,
smear the shit to spell one name on the front door;
VICTORIA.
eat that loser.
c
hashtag HYLMN?

TMZ says that the 9-year-old girl was teasing Sam about everything including her mess of a dad and Denise Richards had several meetings at the school about it. Getting teased made Sam physically sick and she couldn’t go to school anymore. During Denise’s last meeting with the school and the bully’s parents,  they all accused Sam of making it all up and telling lies.

It’s sad that I think it’s progress when the only thing hitting the walls of a school is a piece of dog shit. And if Charlie really wants to make the school suffer, he should send them something much worse than a pile of dog caca. He should send them the Anger Management DVD box set.

Chris Brown Wants Everyone To Know That He Holds The Deed To Rihanna’s Pussy

The Difficult Brown was his usual charming and gracious self on Thursday morning when he grabbed the mic at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood and shat out some smegma-covered words of advice to men on how to treat women. TMZ has the video of the tattooed, shriveled up Gollum on meth instantly making Mel Gibson one of his most devoted disciples by opening up the crusted-over anus hole on his face to spit out this Shakespearean sonnet (via HuffPo):

“Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female … If you’re not an insecure nigga, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shit up. [sings] Don’t make me have to tell you again, that that’s my pussy baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. Don’t make me have to tell you again, that that’s my pussy baby. It’s mine girl, it’s mine girl, it’s mine… So you better not give it away.

So every person in this motherfuckin’ building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might fuck another nigga.”

And just like that, Mel Gibson found his new ringtone. What a beautiful song. If they ever make What’s Love Got To Do With It The Musical, I’m sure Ike will sing out this love song in the act one finale.

What more is there to say about this haggard crackhead turtle? Everything has already been said. I would say that RiRi should evict Fist Brown from her pussy and change the locks, but she’s probably creaming over this. And she’s the one who pays the mortgage and maintenance bills on her pussy! I can’t, but I never can when it comes The Difficult Brown.

And here’s Chris Brown’s property letting out her signature goat yodel at the first show on her Diamonds World Tour in Buffalo, New York last night.

Shia LaDouche Is Once Again Leaking Alec Baldwin’s Private E-Mails To Him

Right after the producers of the Broadway play Orphans flushed down the turd from their lives by firing Shia LaDouche for being Shia LaDouche, he tweeted screen shots of a bunch of e-mails between him and the cast and crew including one where he plagiarized an Esquire article. Alec Baldwin isn’t the one to keep his lips shut about fuckery like this, so pulled off his leather gloves finger by finger and slapped Shia’s face back and forth for being a know-it-all theater bitch. Here’s what Alec said about Shia to Vulture yesterday:

“I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks.”

With that, Shia should’ve taken his bow, exited stage left and continued on with his Lean Cuisine of a movie career, but since his nipples get hard from screwing with Alec Baldwin, he’s keeping the foolery going. This morning, Shia tweeted screen shots of e-mails between him and the play’s director Daniel Sullivan as well as e-mails between him and Alec. Here’s one that Daniel Sullivan supposedly sent to Shia on February 10th:

“Don’t be too surprised if Alec doesn’t look up from his script much for the first few days. I suspect he’s not nearly as prepared as you are. Not unusual at all when actors have a good long rehearsal time like we have. I just don’t want it to throw you. I did a reading of another play once with Alec and about 10 minutes in I thought, ‘Oh, I guess he’s just going to read it.'”

And here’s an exchange between Shia, Alec and Daniel:

Alec – That was supposed to read: We start Monday. But I’m so fucking tired.

Shia – I’m a hustler. I don’t get tired. I’m 26, chief.

Alec – Listen, boy. I’m not your fuckin’ chief. You got that? Ha. Hahahahaha. Let’s go.

Shia – Yes, sir.

Daniel – I think he’s nervous.

Fuck that Orphans shit. They should turn these e-mails into a Broadway play, because this is where the real theatrical drama is at. They can call it “I’m Not Your Fuckin’ Chief.” And “I’m a hustler, I don’t get tired” sounds like a lyric from the rap song that Justin Bieber will eventually release.

Even though this is the most entertaining thing that Shia has ever been a part of, he should still squash his beef with Alec Baldwin the way all grown men squash beefs (Side note: Not that it has to do with anything, but “Beef Squasher” is John Travolta’s Scientology bath house nickname): with a game of Words with Friends. Take it to the WWF board, chief!

And here’s LaDouche leaving a gym in NYC the other day.