What In Mangled Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Hell?

Whenever I see Kim Kartrashian in a new ensemble, I just want to let out a HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA for days. Then I want to slow cap for her stylist, because they are a gift on this planet for making her look like the ridiculous piece of stupid trash she is. I love it!

Because this is the kind of outfit you should wear on a flight from L.A. to Paris, Kim wore this mess of an outfit on a flight from L.A. to Paris yesterday. Bitch looks like the ring master preacher at a circus-themed church. Bitch looks like a warped maxi-pad with wings. Bitch looks like a dental hygienist on the Starship Enterprise. Bitch looks like a deformed sperm fish. Bitch looks like water damaged origami. I can seriously play the “bitch looks like” game all day, because bitch looks a mess.

I hope Kim stays knocked up forever, because this is fun!

And thanks to everybody who keeps sending me this. I didn’t post it, because that’s whale shaming and I don’t want to be a part of that. Poor Shamu deserves better.

Ick. Nast.

Kim Kartrashian made a “dying trout gasping for water” face while faking an orgasm in her sex tape with Ray J and it made her a STAR!, so she’s trying to stretch her relevancy by making the same face on the cover of a French magazine. L’Officiel Hommes got Kim and Kanye Kardashian to rub their naked bodies together for a cover that will make many people say to themselves, “Well, I guess this is going to be one of those non-stop barfing days.”

You’d think that Kim would be a master at making manufactured sex faces since she got famous for getting on Ray J’s boomerang dick in front of a camera, but she isn’t. The hell is that face she’s making on that cover? She looks like she’s trying to sneeze. The sneeze is right there, but she can’t push it out, so she’s closing her eyes and focusing. Achoo, bitch, achoo! It also looks like Kim choked on a churro and Kanye is trying to give her the Heimlich Maneuver, but he’s not really sure how to do it. What I’m saying is that this looks like anything but sex.

Besides, Kanye and Kim don’t fuck. I refuse to believe that. Kanye’s idea of a good time is dressing Kim up in messed up fashions and taking Polaroids of her so that he can jack off to those Polaroids in the corner while praising himself as a true style genius.

And add this cover to the long list of things that confirm that any bit of sanity Kanye had left in his being is gone. Kanye threw hate at Jay-Z, busted into a screeching hissy fit in London and now this mess? Kanye was also insane, but pour a little Kartrashian on his last bit of sanity and BOOM!

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So I Guess These Two Didn’t Break Up After All

RiRi’s health insurance rate dropped by 75% last week when it was reported that she and The Difficult Brown broke up, but like most awful things in life (examples: herpes, the new 90210, Donald Trump’s ability to speak), their love is not going away even though all of us want it to. RiRi spent some of her 25th birthday yesterday holding the hand that beat her face in a few years ago. While wearing my laundry bag as a skirt, RiRi trolled the beaches of Oahu with Chris Brown and shared a joint  with him. That poor joint. Just like Chris’ silky shorts, it probably wants to escape and get far away from this entire mess.

I’m not sure what’s going on in this picture. Is he trying to jack off on the sand, but can’t get it up, so RiRi’s consoling him? Is he trying to push out a stubborn doody bubble and RiRi’s giving him moral support by throwing her arm around him? Did he finally come to the realization that he’s Chris Brown and is choking on the river of diarrhea that’s rising up his throat?

And RiRi and Chris Brown better set their DVRs, because next week’s Law & Order: SVU is dedicated to them!

The actor playing the Chris Brown-ish character needs to turn down the raw emotion, because Chris Brown was not THAT believable when he gave a fake non-apology.

What Happens When You Let Lindsay Lohan Borrow A Designer Dress

Even the Salvation Army shouldn’t let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress unless they don’t want it back or are okay with it coming back to them drenched in bottom shelf vodka and covered with the blood splatters of some chick she hit in the face with a bottle. The only real reason to let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress is if you’ve taken a $1 million life insurance policy (they really should sell life insurance policies for dresses) out on it and you want it to disappear off the face of the planet so you can cash in. But Lindsay Lohan’s own personal Captain-Save-A-Ho Charlie Sheen helped a trick out again by sweet talking stylist Phillip Bloch into getting her a dress for an amFAR event two weeks ago. LiLo wore a beaded dress from Theia that cost $1,750. When Theia got the dress back, it was in the same state as Lindsay Lohan’s career:

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That dress is just a tattered pile of tragicness. It’s like a dress version of White Oprah.

You’re close if you’re thinking that LiLo’s dress looks like that because after she spilled some whiskey on it, a pack of drunk wolves attacked her and dragged her into an alley where a high-speed dump truck ran into her, sending her flying into a trash can fireplace. A source tells UsWeekly that LiLo’s dress looks like that because it ripped at a club after the amFAR event.

“She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] — she couldn’t possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress. She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! She’s out of control and behaving really badly.”

Hey, at least they got the dress back and if they shake all the coke residue off of it, they probably have enough for a pretty fat line. Also, they can sell it on eBay as a Lohan original! And yes, White Oprah is going to want a cut of that sale.

Ke$hit Drinks Her Own Pi$$

Most of what comes out of Ke$ha’s mouth can be found inside of the busiest Port-A-Potty at the Gathering of the Juggalos, so it’s not surprising to hear what goes in her mouth.

Because Ke$hit and Beyonce are are practically the same person and artist, she also had a visual director (aka her younger brother) follow her around with a camera for the past two years. Ke$hit used that footage to make a documentary that should premiere on Consumption Junction or on public access at 3am on a Tuesday, but it’s showing on MTV this April instead. In Ke$hit’s documentary called My Crazy Beautiful Life, she golden showers herself and admits that people always tell her that she smells like the crusty spot on a homeless man’s panties. Ke$hit explained it all to BBC Radio 1 (via TNZH via ONTD):

On how she pulled a Bear Grylls: “I was told drinking my own pee was good, I was trying to be healthy … Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, ‘That is mine!’ So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross so I don’t do it anymore.”

On how she smells like dumpster syrup: “My fans are amazing to me but usually the people around me say, ‘You’re disgusting!’ or, ‘Put your pants on!’ or ‘You’re late!’ Or they say, ‘You smell weird, what’s that smell?’ I smell like a hobo. One time, someone told me I smelt like a shrimp on a diaper. I thought I could make a fragrance that was little like a shrimp on a Faberge diaper but I don’t know if people want to smell like that.”

On her obsession with glitter: “I have a bathtub; when I go on tour I bring a bathtub and I have a glitter roadie. His only job is to deal with the glitter and his job is to lather baby oil all over my body. Then I roll around in it and have to sit there until the baby oil dries. When I go to the bathroom you can follow the trail of glitter and tell which stall I peed in. I leave it all over the men I make out with.”

Ke$hit reminds me of this gross kid in the 2nd grade who would eat his mocos and cough loogies into his hand for attention. (No, the gross kid wasn’t me, but that’s a valid question). Yes, Ke$hit calling anything gross is some pot kettle shit, but this isn’t shocking at all. It would shock me more if Ke$hit said that she filled her mouth with Listerine. Of course she’s swallowed a shot of her own piss.

Ke$hit needs to come grosser, because Bear Grylls, Carrie from Strange Addiction, millions of hippies and Bam Margera did it first. Speaking of Bam, if you put a gutter water-drenched wig on top of his head, wouldn’t he look like Ke$hit a little? Has anyone seen them in the same room together? Has anyone ever seen them drink from the same urinal? Hmmm….