If you thought Michael Jackson’s pet chimp Bubbles was up in heaven sucking on Whitney Houston’s toes and getting psychoanalyzed by Freud to deal with the shit he saw on earth, you’re wrong! Bubbles is alive and well, listening to flute music, playing with his chimp friends and occasionally painting at a Florida sanctuary called The Center for Great Apes. Sounds like heaven on earth, but none of it is thanks to Michael who left Bubbles a penniless pauper when he died. According to The Daily Mail, Bubbles, who is now 34 years old, hasn’t lived with MJ since he was shipped off to live with his trainer in 1988. Bubbles never even lived at Neverland!
David Gest really needs to keep his bestiality fantasies involving Bubbles, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson to himself, because the world doesn’t want to know the SUCIONESS that slithers around in the gutters of his imagination. Okay, maybe we do, because if he did keep that mess to himself we’d never have this hilariously creepy story about a chimp’s toe sucking fetish. This is what David Gest said during a Michael Jackson documentary that’s supposed to air in the UK this October:
“Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles.”
HAHAHAHA. David needs to show us the receipts or shut his second face, because this really reads like bad fan fiction. Like Whitney would ever use the word “sensual.” Bitch isn’t Courtney Stodden! Whitney would say something like “Ooooh, baby, suck the dirt out of that nail!” or “Get that jam like your tongue is peanut butter and we’re trying to swirl up some Goobers!” or “When you’re done there, baby, use that sweet suction cup mouth to suck out my doodie bubble, because I got a boatload with a stuck anchor.”
Wait. Maybe that’s why they call him BUBBLES?! Shit. Good. Night.
via The Mirror
Detective La Toya needed to replenish her “Getting To The Bottom, Side And Top of Everything” fund, so she sold a few stories to the News of the World about her brother Michael Jackson and his one true soulmate Bubbles. La Toya (or as Bubbles calls her “Who’s this trick?“) says that Michael really wanted to have a conversation of words with Bubbles, so he consulted with several professionals about making his dream happen. La Toya explains:
“Michael always wanted to know how to make Bubbles speak and talk. They definitely communicated. One morning Michael called me said ‘You got to see this – he mimics everything I do’. So Michael starts brushing his teeth and Bubbles looks up and gets a tooth brush and starts brushing his teeth too. Then he wanted to give him vocal chords and asked doctors ‘Can I give him an operation so that I can know what his thoughts are’.”
The doctors warned MJ that operating on Bubbles’ larynx could eff him up for good, so they scratched that plan. But MJ still paid ape experts thousands of dollars to try to teach Bubbles how to talk. In the end, everyone learned that getting Bubbles to spit out human words was about as impossible as getting La Toya to make sense. But seriously, you know Bubbles just stayed mute because he didn’t have shit to say to any of them.
And why the hell would anybody give their pet the ability to curse their asses out? I mean, my dog already screams “I HATE YOU” with his eyes when I refuse to share my McDonald’s with him, so I really don’t need to hear those words from his mouth too.