Category: La Toya Jackson
Janet Jackson Says That She’s Good Friends With Justin Timberlake And Everybody Needs To Move On From The Super Bowl Nipple Flash
Lifetime and A&E’s two-part Janet Jackson documentary finished airing last night, and in the special, she denied making a secret baby with her first husband James DeBarge (cut to Janet’s all grown-up secret baby throwing their mom a side-eye while babysitting Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s secret child), and said that even though her relationship with Michael Jackson was pretty estranged after Thriller came out, she’s never believed the allegations that he was a child molester. Janet also got into the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime Show nipple knob flash that fucked with her career and said that she and her good friend Justin Timberlake have moved on from it and so should everybody else. I’m sure everyone will follow Janet’s advice and that our final words before we breathe our last breath on our death bed won’t be, “And one other thing, FUCK JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!”
Conrad Murray Alleges Joe Jackson Chemically Castrated Michael Jackson
I hope you’ve enjoyed your day so far, because it’s about to get gross and dark. Happy Thursday!
Conrad Murray, the shady doctor who served two years for manslaughtering Michael Jackson, is back with a message. And it is not a pleasant one. As you may be aware, the patriarch of the Jackson family, Joe Jackson, recently died. Well, Conrad heard about the death and he had some words to say about it. Continue reading
Paris Jackson Also Thinks That Her Father Was Murdered
Paris Jackson is far, far, far from being the little girl whose dad, Michael Jackson, tried to protect by covering her face with a mask whenever she went out in public. Paris Jackson is now an Alice Cooper-loving 18-year-old with more than 50 tattoos who is working on a modeling career. I had to type the words, “with more than 50 tattoos,” with my nose, because as soon as I was reminded that Paris Jackson is 18, my hands wrinkled, my nails shrank and I’ve got the arthritis in a bad way now. It’s a good thing that a day nurse also showed up when I was reminded that Paris is 18, because I’m going to need someone to open my caramel squares for me.
Paging Detective La Toya! Lupita Nyong’o’s Oscar Dress Has Been Stolen!
The cobblestone street of Via Rodeo in Beverly Hills will once again hear the clickety clack of Detective La Toya’s heels as she holds up her magnifying glass and searches for clues in her newest case: The Case of The Missing Bukkake Dress!
TMZ says that the custom-made Calvin Klein gown that Lupita Nyong’o wore to the Oscars was snatched from her hotel room and the LAPD is on the case. The cops believe that the oyster orgy dress was stolen from her room at The London hotel in West Hollywood between 8 and 9 at night on Tuesday. Lupita wasn’t in her room at the time. You’re probably thinking that the thieving thieves stole the dress to scrape off Lupita’s DNA to clone her, but nope. They probably stole the dress, because it’s made of 6,000 Akoya pearls and is valued at $150,000. The police are going over security footage to find the pearl thief. I got questions:
1. Whenever I stay in a hotel, I lock up my janky ass first-generation iPad in the safe. But yet Lupita just left this $150,000 dress out? The Calvin Klein people didn’t hire a bodyguard to lay his body over that dress at all times? If they didn’t want to do that, they could’ve just covered the dress with this picture. Nobody would’ve gone near it. In fact, they would’ve run from it screaming.
2. I thought that right after the Oscars ended, the designer’s assistants jumped on the celebrity, took back her borrowed dress and jewels and left her naked on the street?
The cops should really get a search warrant to search the Scientology Centre. Because if you rolled up that dress really tight, it’d be a great, big, thick, anal bead-encrusted dildo. But seriously, I’m sure they’ve already tried to bring in Lindsay Lohan, because when anything goes missing you should immediately point at a Lohan. But they probably can’t find her, because right now she’s on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta selling celebrity worn pearl necklaces out of a leather suitcase.
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- Lupita with her brother
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- Lupita with her brother
Pics: Wenn.com
Bye Bye, Beyonce: Detective La Toya Is Back!
Katy Perry, Madge, Brit Brit Spears, Lady CaCa, Beyonce, Miley Cyrus and every other pop ho is sitting on top of her suitcase at the bus station waiting for a Greyhound bus to take her back to wherever the hell she came from, because her services are no longer needed or wanted now that the true Empress of Pop has come back to reclaim her rightful throne!
After solving some of the world’s hardest cases and getting engaged to a purse-holding honey-glazed ham with eyebrows sent from up above, the most talented Jackson (after Michael, Janet, Rebbie, Jermaine and Blanket) has finally given the world a brand new song. You’ve probably warped your MPEG file of “Heart Don’t Lie” from playing it over and over again all day everyday, so you FINALLY have something new from Toy Toy to fill your ear holes with repeatedly. Toy Toy’s new single “Feels Like Love,” which I’m sure is already #1 in Kazakhstan and on Blanket’s iTunes Top 25 Most Played playlist, sounds like a song that a Real Housewives would turn down for being too cliche and tacky, but Detective La Toya uses her artistic skills to turn it into a dance masterpiece that I’m sure will sweep, mop, Swiffer and vacuum the Grammys next year.
Before making your eyes and ears tingle by watching this video, I should tell you to not even think of accusing Detective La Toya of causing auto-tune to go extinct by using all of it. La Toya doesn’t even know what auto-tune is! She probably thinks it’s a place you take your car for an oil change. La Toya’s voice just naturally sounds like a robot toddler with agita.
Toy Toy is 58 and she can still kick, stretch and kick better than tramps a third of her age.
And from now on, the audience at every Beyonce show is going to look like the audience at Basement Baby’s show in the basement (read: a couple of moths and that’s it), because all the BumbleBeys have flown out of the BeyHive and into the Toy Toy Chest! You’re probably wondering, “What’s a Beyonce?” Exactly!
The Jackson Kids Got A $3 Million Raise In Their Yearly Allowance
Gabriel Aubry is skipping and whistling through Whole Paycheck Whole Foods this morning buying anything and everything he wants now that he’s got a lump sum of cash from Halle Berry in his checking account. Gabriel thinks he’s living that life and thinks that the most lucrative career in the world is being Halle Berry’s glorified sperm donor. But I hate to break it to Gabriel, getting pulled out of Debbie Rowe’s vagine is way more lucrative than making a baby with the worst Catwoman ever.
Page Six says that when Michael Jackson was alive, he would literally give his kids stacks of cash, totaling $20,000, to buy whatever they wanted. When you were a kid, you’d skip into 7-Eleven and buy a candy bar and some chicles. The Jackson kids skip into 7-Eleven and buy the 7-Eleven. Nothing has changed. The Jackson kids still have money coming out of their ear holes. The Jackson kids were getting $5 million a year from the Michael Jackson Estate, but since the estate keeps making more money thanks to their constant whoring of Michael Jackson’s image, the kids got a raise in their allowance. Blanket, Paris and Prince Michael Jackson split $8 million a year and that’s in addition to the $1 million Katherine Jackson gets for taking care of them.
A small piece of that money goes to their schooling and the rest goes to whatever they want it to go to. Some source (Bubbles, you blabbing bitch) says that 17-year-old Prince Michael has spent more than $50,000 in gifts on his girlfriends and the kids all take yearly trips to Hawaii and Las Vegas together. The source also said that Blanket shares the wealth and regularly treats his cousins to dinner at the finest restaurants. This next round of root beer pitchers at Chuck E. Cheese is on Blanket!
While he enjoys the personal chef at the Jackson family’s $26,500-a-month rented mansion in Calabasas, Calif., he regularly dials his cousins and treats them to dinner at trendy restaurants before taking in a movie. The tab: usually about $500 plus tips.
“These things that they’re doing they are mostly paying for themselves, with their own money. Look, they also get $15,000 to $20,000 every month just in walking-around money. No one else has that kind of dough around here,” one source said.
“This is why you have had so much of the fighting going on in the family. But the battles have calmed since their uncles have finally found consistent work and everyone has pretty much left [Katherine] alone about money.”
The source also added that while Michael Jackson loved to throw around money and spend it on shit like solid gold-covered mummies and gold fillings that were once in King Tut’s mouth, his kids are a little more frugal. Prince Michael is saving a huge chunk of his money even though he and his brother and sister will eventually inherit all of their dad’s estate which is worth $2 billion now.
When I was Blanket Jackson’s age I got $20 every other week for chores and if the Real Housewives of Atlanta was on back then, I’d be screaming (in the voice of NeNe Leakes), “I got that Trump check!” Yes, $2.6 million is way more money that most of us will ever see (unless “binge watching Orange is the New Black while eating chicharones” suddenly becomes a high-paying job), but it’s not that much cash to the Jackson kids. Keeping Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane luxurious costs. Hair cream made from dolphin placenta isn’t just some shit you can buy at Sally’s Beauty.
And here’s the Hope Diamond of the Jackson family doing stuff in NYC the other day while flashing the understated and tasteful diamond ring that her fiancé Jeffre Phillips gave her. If you’re wondering where she got the cash to pay for that huge ass ring, the answer lies in the empty platinum-plated freezer in Blanket’s bedroom that used to have rolls of hundreds in it.
