Taylor Swift Is Still Upset That People Think She’s A Desperate Boy-Chasing Clinger

In case you didn’t hear her clearly enough the last time she said it, Taylor Swift wants you to know that she sheds more tears than her collection of vintage Lost n’ Founds whenever some meany-mo jokes that she’s run through more dudes than a runaway Monster Energy truck in the parking lot of a Nickelback concert.

During an interview with Tavi Gevinson for this month’s issue of ELLE, Taylor – who is serving up Jerrica Benton‘s preppy Pennsylvania cousin in Party City Ziggy Stardust drag on that cover – admits once again that she’s not here for the snarky bitches who joke about her reputation as a perpetually-heartbroken boy-crazy bundle of butterscotch-dipped desperation. While talking about being in the same place as one of her exes for two weeks (London, which means the ex was probably elfin hipster Harry Styles) and not feeling anxious about it, Taylor says:

“The first thought that came to my mind was, I’m finally clean. I’d been in this media hailstorm of people having a very misconstrued perception of who I was. There were really insensitive jokes being made at awards shows by hosts; there were snarky headlines in the press—’Taylor Goes Through a Breakup: Well, That Was Swift!’—focusing on all the wrong things.”

I just pictured a sad-faced Taylor Swift returning home from an awards show, putting on Jann Arden’s “Insensitive“, and slow dancing with one of her pussies while she boo-hoos about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hurting her feewings. “Gawd Meredith, they act like I’ve dated half of Hollywood! A third maybe, but definitely not half.”

Here’s more of Tay Tay looking like a sexed-up department store mannequin in ELLE:

Teresa Giudice’s Crisis Manager Dropped Her Ass For Asking A Judge To Send Her To The “Orange Is The New Black” Prison

On January 5, 2015, Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey begins serving the 15 months she got for taking part in the grifting schemes orchestrated by that shady chimp Juicy Joe and instead of trying to cooperate with the Bureau of Prisons, bitch is making accommodation requests.

Teresa’s Cha-Ka in bad drag looking ass hired legal crisis manager, Wendy Feldman, to help her deal with the orange diarrhea puddle that is her legal problems, but that relationship is now over. Wendy tells E! News that she erased Teresa’s name from her client list after that mess sent a letter to the judge begging to be sent to Danbury Federal Prison in Connecticut (where Orange is the New Black takes place). Wendy never approved the letter and wouldn’t ever let Teresa pull a move like that. Wendy spit this up to E!:

“I am not the consultant referred to in filing. This is clearly not the first time my advice has not been followed, but this is the time where the stakes are the highest. Both for my clients and myself, I work hard to maintain a strong relationship with the Bureau of Prisons. As I’ve tried to instruct Teresa, this is a process that must be respected. A designation to a camp is a gift, not a requirement from the BOP and the judge. By making this request, Teresa has jeopardized months of work, months of preparation and in fact may jeopardize where she is ultimately designated or sent to.

My ultimate responsibility is to all of my clients, not just to Teresa. I’m hopeful that, at some point, a change occurs and rehabilitation begins. My thought and wishes will always be with her children.”

That isn’t the only request Teresa made. What Teresa lacks in brain cells, she makes up for in gall, because TMZ says that her lawyer sent a letter to the judge claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve 12 months of her 15 month sentence in a halfway house instead of prison. Prosecutors shat on Teresa’s request and told the judge that convicted criminals don’t get to downgrade their punishment.

Teresa Giudice once said, “I don’t want to live in somebody else’s house. That’s gross,” so I’m surprised and disappointed in her that she didn’t ask the judge to build her a new prison, because she doesn’t want to live in somebody else’s prison. That’s gross. (Cut to the judge opening a letter from Teresa claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve her sentence in a new prison built for her because used prisons are gross.)

And Teresa probably wants to go to Danbury, because she thinks Orange is the New Black is a documentary and thinks they really shoot there. Teresa doesn’t want to be away from her only true love, the cameras, and ripping them apart would be the biggest punishment of all.

Leonardo DiCaprio Is Mad That Someone Is Trying To Sell An Autographed Picture Of Him And Nelson Mandela

According to Page Six, Leonardo DiCaprio has a bee in his bonnet because an online memorabilia dealer called Moments In Time is trying to sell a signed photo of him with Nelson Mandela for $25,000. The photo was taken back in 2006 when Leo was filming Blood Diamond in South Africa. A year later, Nelson Mandela must have found it and decided to mail it to Leo along with the message: “To Leo DiCaprio, Best Wishes, Mandela, 4-8-07.” However, the picture was never mailed to Leo. Instead it somehow ended up in the hands of Moments In Time, where they decided to sell it, because it would be kind of a weird picture to have sitting on your mantle next to a photo of your kid’s soccer team and a portrait of the dog.

Once Leo was made aware of the photo’s existence on Tuesday, probably by Lukas Hass, who has nothing better to do all day than surf the net from his futon, Leo had his lawyer call up Gary Zimet, the owner of Moments In Time, and tell them to hand it over. But Gary is claiming “finders vs keepers” and told Leo’s lawyer that if he wants it so badly, he can buy it for $25,000. A source close to Leo (the talking ass cheeks of a Victoria’s Secret model) claims he might take Gary Zimet to court, saying:

“The photo is clearly not their property. He wants the picture. His lawyers are considering action.”

If he thinks that picture should be sitting in a pewter frame on top of a stack of Victoria’s Secret head shots on his desk and not being hustled for pennies online, then why doesn’t he just buy it? $25,000 is nothing to him – that’s like his weekly budget for Model’s Choice™ massage oil. Besides, $25k is a small price to pay for such a great picture of Nelson Mandela. Look at him working that sassy silver shirt! I bet he’s strutting around in that chic silver shirt up in Heaven and making all the angels swoon.

Pic: MomentsInTime.com

The News Of Rosie O’Donnell Re-Joining The View Ruined Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Vacation

If you were looking for a reason to be happy about Rosie O’Donnell going back to The View again, you found it. The news ruined Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s vacation and anything that ruins that rabid blonde hyena’s day can’t be wrong.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is where she belongs, Fox News, and you’d think she wouldn’t have a care in the world since she’s frolicking around a conservative wonderland where’s she a Republican Christian princess who can make the people cheer by screaming for the demise of Obama and drunk moms. Elisabeth is living her dream, so why would give two shits about The View? But she does and she pressed pause on her vacation from Fox & Friends to call into her show and diarrhea out her feelings about her arch rival going back to The View and the she has a lot of feelings about it. Elisabeth says that Rosie has been planning her return to The View for a while and when all the pecking hens of The View, past and present, reunited for one of Barbara Walters’ last shows, Rosie told her that she organized the reunion. Elisabeth thinks that the reunion show wasn’t a “Bye Barbara” show it was a “Hello Rosie” show. HA. As Hasselcrack trashed Rosie over and over again, she clenched so hard that her ass cheeks almost fused themselves together.

“What could ruin a vacation more than to hear news like this? I know Rosie very well. We worked quite closely. Talk about not securing the border! Here in comes to The View the very woman who spit in the face of our military, spit in the face of her own network, and really in the face of a person who stood by her and had civilized debates for the time that she was there, coming back with a bunch of control ready to regain a seat at the View table. Not surprising. I think this has been in the works for a long time.

Anyone who is going to be in that seat – I think this is how it’s going to play out or already has – will have to be fully approved by Rosie. Now let’s not forget, Whoopi Goldberg is sitting there and Whoopi’s not going to let anybody control her. Whoopi has an EGOT and has more trophies in her case than Rosie. She’s the leader. It will be very interesting to see how that goes. I don’t think it would be wise for Rosie O’Donnell to challenge Whoopi Goldberg on anything. I really don’t. And I would also say that after years of being there, Rosie found out one thing about me: don’t mess with a pregnant mama and do not mess with our military when it comes to this girl sitting next to her. I do think this has been in the works a long, long time.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Put an empty plastic water bottle under Elisabeth’s eyes and collect her angry tears, because her angry tears will make a good pick-me-up for when you’re feeling low. Elisabeth is really, really mad and she’s acting like her bitch brawl of words with Rosie happened ten minutes ago instead of ten thousand years ago. No one loves anything as much as Elisabeth loves hating on Rosie. I do feel a little sexual tension there. It’s as though Elisabeth gets off on raging against Rosie. Elisabeth’s husband was probably wondering why during the times he’s given her oral, she always screams through grit teeth, “That’s right, eat it, Rosie, eat it! Eat it, you dumb bitch! Eat it, Rosie! EAT IT! This is for our military! EAT IT!”  It all makes sense now.

via UsWeekly

Kate Gosselin Says She Cries Crocodile Tears Of Sadness Behind Closed Doors

Every clip that TLC has released to promote their 2-hour special on Kate Gosselin’s never-ending quest to pimp out her litter of pups has done nothing but remind everyone that Kate’s still an awful, greedy, horrible shameless fame whore who would volunteer all 8 of her children as tribute for The Hunger Games if it meant she could get her rubber face on television. Someone at TLC must have finally realized that no one is going to tune in to their 2-hour documentary on Pennsylvania’s Pimp Mama Kris when they can tune in to E! and watch the real thing, so today they released a clip to People of a humbled, struggling Kate in an attempt to make her seem more sympathetic and less evil (not possible, but good try TLC):

“I’m one of many single moms out there. It’s not ideal. On a very busy day where the logistics aren’t lining up – I have to be here to pick this kid up and I have to be there to do whatever, that happens so often now I can’t even tell you. It’s really easy to feel like just saying, ‘It’s too much.'”

“I mean, I cry behind closed doors, I struggle. But I have to remind myself, this is my one shot. You’re going to mess up. Just don’t give up.”

Bitch PLEASE! Her eyes haven’t leaked anything but salty Botox discharge since 2010. Besides, any real tears that might have pushed their way through her busted tear ducts are the ones that come from not knowing where she’ll get the money for new clip-in hair extensions AND new acrylic nails. “Don’t make me choose! I can’t choose! I need both!” she cries from behind the door of her plastic surgeon’s office as she leaves her 16th voicemail that month to TLC. “Remember, I won’t give up. I need the money…er…I mean…my kids need the money. Yeah, that works. Speaking of work, if you’re just going to call me back and tell me to get a real job, save your breath, because being a desperate fame whore IS my real job now.”

Call Detective Olivia Benson! Wheelchair Jimmy Says Rolling Stone Made Him Feel ‘Violated’

The guy behind him’s eyes are saying “I know, I’ll go grab a dictionary.”

It looks like Drake might regret not waiting the reccomneded 24-hour cooling down period before tweeting his angry emoshuns regarding Rolling Stone and their take-back of his cover yesterday, because today he’s written a remorseful I Sowwy letter and published it to his website. In it, he apologizes for the shitty tweet about the late Philip Seymour Hoffman (which has since been deleted because, deep-down, Wheely Jim is a good guy) and says he supports Rolling Stone’s decision to put PSH on the cover, but clarified just why he was so gal-darned steamed (the Canadian equivalent of pissed off) in the first place:

“The circumstances at hand are completely justifiable (on the magazines behalf), but I was not able to salvage my story or my photos and that was devastating. They ran the issue without giving me a choice to be in it or not. I would have waited until it was my time because I understand the magnitude of the cover they chose but I just wasn’t given that option and that made me feel violated.”

Bitch, you need to check your definition of violated. Did Rolling Stone make you feel not right in you no-no-zone? Did a frumpy lady in a greige pantsuit ask you to show her on the doll where Rolling Stone touched you? I didn’t think so. Come back to me after you’ve watched Coco’s crying scene from Fame and we’ll see if ‘violated’ was the word you were looking for.

He also closes his letter by apologizing for acting like a bratty spoiled child (“You called?” – Justin Bieber) and bitching out Rolling Stone like a melodramatic diva. But I get you, Drake; I’d probably lose my shit on Twitter too if I was in the same situation. I’ve never been interviewed for a magazine, but I’ve been interviewed for a job, and if I showed up for my first day at work at said job and saw someone else sitting at my desk, there’s a good chance I’d barely be out of the building before tweeting: “@Allison: Thank u assholes at Telemeritech, looks like I put on real pants for NOTHING.”