Basic Cable’s Most Terrifying Blonde Botox Monster Is Baaaaaaack

May 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Hmm, where have I seen that horrifying, serial killer-like manufactured smile, those dead glazed-over eyes and that plastic hair before. I know:


If you’ve got a Barbie styling head in your house, burn it immediately and mix the ashes with low-grade coke and give that low-grade coke mixed with Barbie styling head ashes to Charlie Sheen to snort up. You must get that dark-sided thing out of your house before Lucifer brings it to life and it terrorizes you for the rest of your life by bossing you around! Because daily Botox injections and polyester weaves in a bag cost a lot, Pennsylvania nurse turned rubber-faced fame whore Kate Gosselin is trotting her herd of money makers out again for a 2-hour special on TLC. Earlier this year, the oldest Gosselin kids, Cara and Mady, defied their plastic pimp of a mom by not performing during an interview on Today.

Well, Mady is still defying her mom and in this clip from their 2-hour torture piece of a special, Sergeant Asshole McPlasticFace tells her child army that she (read: the producers) have all sorts of “fun things” planned for Spring Break. Nobody makes “fun things” sound like the opposite of fun the way Kate Gosselin does. After 13-year-old Mady lets her mom know that she isn’t into “fun things,” Kate goes full dramatic Game of Thrones and tells her daughter that she has one last chance at REDEMPTION! When Mady stomps back to the sofa, Kate says that all her stomping is shaking the floor and is making her sway around like a drunk Glenn Close having a seizure on the high seas. Basically, Kate Gosselin knows this is really HER show and the bitch is going to perform.

After Kate and Mady’s little power-struggle, Kate takes her daughter’s cell phone away and you can almost feel her dark orb of a heart throb with glee when she does it. Kate tells her best friend, the camera, that she got her kids cell phones and iPads just so she can take them away when they misbehave and so that her evil powers can regenerate from their cries and moans. It almost makes me want to be a parent. And what I don’t understand is, there’s 8 of those kids. Can’t they band together and go after her Children of the Corn-style? They can shoot it for another 2-hour special called 8 Minus Kate.

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