Category: Bitch Fights
I Guess This Means Avril Lavigne Is No Longer On Taylor Swift’s Shit List
Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.
Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.
And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.”
You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”
BREAKING FRIENDSHIP NEWS: Slash And Axl Rose Are Friends Again
Stop whatever you’re doing (“Being hungover? I wish” hissed all of our livers), because I have very important information about the former best friend feud of our lifetime. Or at least mine, and the middle-aged dude down the street from my house who hangs out in his Toyota Tercel blasting “Welcome To The Jungle” every Friday night. Whatever his name is (probably Dwayne), he’s going to be thrilled to hear this.
Slash, seen above looking like hot farted on sexy, recently admitted during a Swedish television interview (via Loudwire) that he and his former Guns N’ Roses bandmate and friend, Axl Rose, are friends again. Slash tossed his friendship with Axl into the trash shortly after Slash left GnR in 1996, and I always assumed those two would go to their graves hating each other. But according to Slash, he and Axl have kissed and made up.
“It was probably way overdue, you know. But it’s…you know, it’s very cool at this point. You know, let some of that, sort of, negative … dispel some of that negative stuff that was going on for so long.”
And just like that, there goes the image of a wrinkly old man Axl Rose writing “Slash is a dumb dildo” on the bathroom stall walls of a senior’s center. I’m not sure why my brain went there, but it did. But even though Slash and Axl are pals again, don’t expect them to reunite on stage any time soon. Or at least don’t ask Slash about it. That is NOT something Slash wants to talk about.
“Oh, I couldn’t answer that one, though. All right, let’s get off the subject, ’cause, you know, that’s an old one.”
I know Slash doesn’t want to jinx it or whatever and he’s acting all hush-hush, but there are some people who need to know if Slash and Axl Rose will reunite on stage once again: the glamorous Guns N’ Roses groupies of the 90s! Don’t they deserve to know that? Think of the groupies, Slash. They need to start deciding between you and Axl now.
Pic: Tumblr
In “How Mature Of You” News: Calvin Harris and Zayn Malik Got Into A Dramatic Twitter Fight
So it turns out Calvin Harris might be just as much of a dramatic shit-starting middle schooler trapped in the body of a grown-ass adult as his girlfriend. Yesterday, Calvin Harris got into it with the former “hot one” or “bad boy” (or whatever he was) from One Direction, Zayn Malik on Twitter. Somewhere in a dank church basement, Diplo just pulled up a seat for Calvin at his weekly DJ Dudes Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Doing This Shit support group.
It all started when Zayn re-tweeted a meme featuring Calvin’s honeybun Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, and their respective theories on musicians making money, the jist of which is that Tay Tay is all #getmoneybitch and Miley isn’t. That’s when Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson turned to Calvin and meowed “You’re not going to ignore this, are you?” (which is really the only explanation I have for why a grown man like Calvin would start a fight with a former One Direction fetus on Twitter). So he did just that – he hopped on Twitter and dragged Zayn up and down the internet.
Taylor Swift Thinks Katy Perry Is Behind Miley Cyrus’ Recent Swipe At Her
“OMG don’t you just hate her? I totally hate her. Come by my locker later and we can continue to talk about how much we hate her” is no doubt what Taylor Swift thinks Katy Perry is saying to Miley Cyrus in the conversation above.
Okay so remember back to last week when Miley Cyrus ripped a hot fart in Taylor Swift’s precious direction when she told Marie Claire that the video for “Bad Blood” was a violent mess and side-eyed Tay Tay’s status as a role model? According to Hollywood Life, Tay Tay doesn’t believe for a second that those were Miley’s words, but that she was being used as a puppet for nefarious purposes by none other than her sworn enemy…KATY PERRY. Cue the thunder! Cue the lightning! Cue Katy Perry twirling the end of a pretend mustache and cackling maniacally like an old timey villain!
A source close to Taylor spilled the homemade peach sun tea to Hollywood Life, saying that the most popular girl at the popular girls table in the cafeteria is “suspicious” of Miley’s recent not-nice comments, and she’s pretty sure Katy is behind it.
“She knows Miley and Katy hang out and she knows Katy still talks so much trash about her, she knows she tries to turn people against her. She thinks Miley is just a pawn in Katy’s game, she feels sorry for her.”
Oh my god, is “I feel sorry for you” not the most passive-aggressive popular girl thing to say? I’m pretty sure it’s second only to “That’s sweet that you’re trying so hard to be like me; copying is the most sincere form of flattery.” Of course, Miley Cyrus is blissfully unaware of Tay Tay’s subtle shade, because she’s far too busy Instagramming topless night night selfies with her cat. Or maybe that’s just what she wants you to believe? It may look like a picture of a lady holding a cat, but it’s actually a subtle social media shanking directed at aspiring cat lady Taylor from Katy through Miley, right Taylor? Ooooh Katy, you evil mastermind, you.
Pic: Wenn.com
Alton Brown Responds To Anthony Bourdain’s Shit Talking About TV Chefs
Anthony Bourdain is known for regularly sprinkling salt on the b-holes of TV cooks by talking trash about them and on his recent national tour, he had some words to say about the least popular Garbage Pail Kid Guy Fieri and Adam Richman of Man v. Food. Anthony had nice things to say about Ina Garten, but wondered how does Guy Fieri de-douche (answer: he doesn’t) and said that Adam Richman’s show confirms that ‘Muricans are fat lazies. Anthony Bourdain didn’t specifically talk trash about Food Network’s Alton Brown, but People still asked him for this thoughts on Anthony’s words during an interview to promote his new show Camp Cutthroat.
Alton basically said in so many words that Anthony shouldn’t look down at TV chefs, because he hasn’t been seen cooking up anything (except for a bowl of shit talking stew) in ages.
Miley Cyrus Isn’t A Fan Of Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” Music Video
During a recent interview with Marie Claire (I guess Moonshine Monthly already had a cover story), Miley Cyrus admitted that she’s not here for the real-world equivalent of Claire Brewster or her video for “Bad Blood.” Okay, but to be honest, unless you’re a member of Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie gang, who really is. Well, you know – besides the die-hard Riverdale High fans who always wanted to know what you’d get if Archie Andrews and Betty Cooper had a baby and raised it to be more of a princess than Veronica Lodge. According to Billy Ray’s kid, Taylor’s video is more violent than Hollerin’ Hank’s annual Christmas Day demolition derby and racoon roast. She also thinks it’s wrong to hiss at her for being a perpetually-naked hussy, because her titties never hurt no one.
“I don’t get the violence revenge thing. That’s supposed to be a good example? And I’m a bad role model because I’m running around with my titties out? I’m not sure how titties are worse than guns.”
Sorry Miley, but I’m afraid I must beg to differ. Two months ago I made the mistake of looking at your elderly ghost jizz-covered titties while eating a bowl of poutine, and my gag reflex started backfiring so hard that I almost choked on a cheese curd.
But I do get what she’s saying; we never see what happens after Tay Tay confronts Selena Gomez at the end of “Bad Blood“, and when you think about it, it’s dark as fuck. Like, I’m pretty sure when the video cuts to black, Catastrophe and Arsyn don’t go to Panera and talk out their problems over a chocolate chipper.
Of course, now it’s only a matter of time before Tay Tay swats back at Miley by writing a song called “Hillbully” (the video for which will be about a jealous, unpopular chipmunk).
And here’s more of Miley looking like Edie Sedgwick’s long-lost country cousin for Marie Claire, if you need that sort of visual imagery in your life.
