In “How Mature Of You” News: Calvin Harris and Zayn Malik Got Into A Dramatic Twitter Fight
So it turns out Calvin Harris might be just as much of a dramatic shit-starting middle schooler trapped in the body of a grown-ass adult as his girlfriend. Yesterday, Calvin Harris got into it with the former “hot one” or “bad boy” (or whatever he was) from One Direction, Zayn Malik on Twitter. Somewhere in a dank church basement, Diplo just pulled up a seat for Calvin at his weekly DJ Dudes Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Doing This Shit support group.
It all started when Zayn re-tweeted a meme featuring Calvin’s honeybun Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, and their respective theories on musicians making money, the jist of which is that Tay Tay is all #getmoneybitch and Miley isn’t. That’s when Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson turned to Calvin and meowed “You’re not going to ignore this, are you?” (which is really the only explanation I have for why a grown man like Calvin would start a fight with a former One Direction fetus on Twitter). So he did just that – he hopped on Twitter and dragged Zayn up and down the internet.
@FemaleTexts @zaynmalik You've made your money? Cool…fuck the 99% of musicians who depend on these services to survive right? Yeah fuck em
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) August 17, 2015
If u don't get what it means when a successful artist uses their celebrity to benefit every other musician and songwriter in the industry…
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) August 17, 2015
…stay out my fuckin mentions pls
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) August 17, 2015
While u kids are refresh voting teen choice awards there's some poor fucker in a basement making your new favorite record trying to survive
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) August 17, 2015
Because it takes two attention whores to do the messy tango, Zayn started hissing back at Calvin.
@CalvinHarris ha you just made an absolute fool of yourself mate
— zayn (@zaynmalik) August 17, 2015
@CalvinHarris so i suggest you calm your knickers before them dentures fall out
— zayn (@zaynmalik) August 17, 2015
Oh and I write my own shit too dickhead
— zayn (@zaynmalik) August 17, 2015
Even Zayn’s old One Direction pal Louis Tomlinson got involved…except the ass he was kissing wasn’t Zayn’s. I guess someone really wants a spot in Taylor and Calvin’s Homecoming Court, because Louis hit the favorite button on Calvin’s “fuck the 99%” tweet.
Eventually, Calvin slowly slinked away from the mess he started by passive-aggressively tweeting “@zaynmalik best of luck, genuinely. You’ve got a great voice.” Shade? I’m not sure. And to be honest, my brain won’t let me care.
Then he turned around and saw Taylor Swift in the doorway, down on one knee in her best Dress N’ Dazzle dress-up gown, with a ring in her hand and a twinkle in her eye, and said: “Calvin, when I saw that you started a melodramatic public feud with someone that got you tons of attention, I knew you were the one for me. Will you do me the honor of making me the happiest sugar cookie in the world and accept this ring?”