Happy Eggplant Friday From The Game!

Rapper and Vh1 reality show wreck The Game celebrated Eggplant Friday early yesterday by dropping his huge visible dick print on Instagram. Once you see the picture, you’ll probably think to yourself that The Game really should’ve taken a tip from that gorgeous JcPenney decorative towel set in the background by putting a tassel on it. His dick print really would’ve popped if it had a tassel on it.

The Game doesn’t only let you know that your down parts will look like eggplant parmesan once his huge eggplant of a peen gets through with it, but he also whispered a long string of hashtags into the eyes of his followers. The Game’s hashtags are bigger than his dick. The full picture is after the cut. WARNING: As soon as you click over, you will be hit with a whole lot of dick, modesty, hashtag poetry and romance. #ICantBelieveHashtagSexIsAThingNow.

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Demi Lovato Got Upstaged By A Big Dick

Demi Lovato was promoting her new album “Confident” at the NYC gay club The Monster when she asked some go-go dancers to perform with her. That stripper pole wasn’t the only hard pole on that stage when a go-go dude in tight white chonies joined Demi and swayed his boner while giving himself a sensual pec self-exam.

Even though all eyeballs were on Hammaconda Jr., Demi kept on, kept on, because she’s used to dealing with try-hard dicks. I mean, she is dating Wilmer Valderrama. Thankfully, everybody got out of there alive, because at one point I thought that boner was going to knock that stripper pole down causing the entire roof to fall on all of them.

The hard dick grind show starts at around the 1 minute mark.

And you probably watched that whole clip and asked, “Wait, Demi Lovato was in that video?”

via Queerty

Behold, The Dude With The 19-Inch Dick: Would You Hit It?

The Hammaconda better bulk up by guzzling down gallons of Muscle Milk and Ensure, because there might be a dick that’s so big it can swallow the Hammaconda whole. (I’d pay good money to see that nature film.) Roberto Esquivel Cabrera is a 52-year-old man from Saltillo, Mexico and he recently cried to the Mexican media about how he’s got a 19-inch monster of a dick and it’s ruining his life. Roberto cried that his sex life is non-existent since chochas pass out whenever they see his party burrito peen and he lives on public assistance and scavenges for food, because he can’t work. Um, he should just throw a matted down toupee on his big dick’s head and enter it into the presidential election. It’s working out for fellow big dick Donald Trump.

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Alexis Arquette Has More To Say About Doing Jared Leto

Last year, Alexis Arquette said that she once fucked Jared Leto and his dick is so big that it’ll make you scream, “THIS IS SPARTA!!!!” Alexis compared Jared Leto’s extra large mega dick to a Praetorian Guard’s helmet, and that sounds like some shit that will get you on an episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER, but I guess you can’t knock it until you’ve fucked it and it’s ripped up your insides.

Alexis Arquette is still dribbling out tidbits about the adventures of Jared Leto’s sex parts. During an interview with Michael Musto for Out Magazine (via Queerty), Michael asked Alexis how she feels about the media’s portrayal of transgender people and for some reason, that made her think of Jared Leto’s Coch Ness Monster. I guess everything leads back to Jared Leto’s triple-stuffed chalupa peen.

Here’s another episode of Alexis Arquette’s Fuck & Tell Show:

“Meanwhile, people are asking about Jared Leto’s penis size. Is that what it’s come to? I wasn’t trying to get people to believe anything. I mentioned it in passing at the end of the interview. I was dressed as a man when it went down. I was trying to give some hope for the gay men out there! But the idea that the dude could be bisexual—whoa, that’s just too much for people to handle. I did find out after our tete-a-tete that he did end up with a trannie I know, and she was on top.”

Sadly, Alexis didn’t say what her friend said Jared Leto’s anus hole looks like. Since his dick looks like a Praetorian Guard’s helmet, I’m guessing that his b-hole looks like the dome of the Pantheon.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s Statue Has A Big Bronze Bulge

We all know that Portuguese football star Cristian Ronaldo has a special fascination with bulges…

So of course his statue is going to come complete with a massive bulge that’s perfect for a family of pigeons to perch on during a sunny day (or to gather under during a rainy day).

On Sunday, the deep fried piece of pure muscle known as Cristian Ronaldo celebrated himself in his hometown of Funchal on the island of Madeira, Portugal by erecting a giant 10-foot statue in his likeness. The statue is part of the museum that was opened by him and is dedicated to him. Nobody loves Crispy Ronaldo more than Crispy Ronaldo loves Crispy Ronaldo and I’m okay with that. Because if Crispy Ronaldo didn’t have a major, leaky boner for himself, we might not have this beautiful statue of him and his dick. I kind of feel bad for that statue, though. It’s standing over Crispy Ronaldo and it can’t physically kneel down to gently lay its bronze dick on his head. That’s a bitch.

But you know, maybe that’s not a dick on Crispy’s statue. Maybe that’s the bottle of vegetable oil he keeps in his shorts so he’ll always be able to maintain his greasy glow.

Whatever the case may be, I’d hit it. Crispy and his statue.

Pics: AP, Getty

Not Even 2 Pairs Of Chonies Can Contain Justin Theroux’s Bulge Situation

Long before Damon Lindelof’s depressing grief porn The Leftovers started airing, Justin Theroux’s Brazilian steakhouse dick and balls became the breakout stars of the show when paparazzi took pictures of them doing jumping jacks in his tight sweats while filming a running scene for the pilot on Long Island last year. Justin’s Chuck Full O’Nuts made its first appearance on the pilot episode and a second appearance on the most recent episode. I’m glad that producers didn’t try to cover it up with a shrub or a bear or something, because now his flopping bulge is a shoo-in to win Best Guest Actor in a Drama at the Emmys next year.

Justin was on Conan last night and Conan O’Brien did his job as a citizen by bringing up the floppy piece in Justin’s sweats. Conan said that all the women on his staff wanted to know everything about the bouncing bulge. Was it a twisted mic cord? Was he free balling it? Was he wearing a mold of Cisco Adler’s yo yo nuts? Is his bulge a major plot point and soon we’ll learn that the missing are in Justin’s pants? Justin said that he didn’t know his pendulum peen was a thing until he shot the second running scene. When Justin went to get his costume for the second scene, there were two pairs of underwear hanging in the dressing room and he thought he got to choose. But the costumer let him know that he had to wear both, because when he runs, his dick and balls look like three Beanie Babies fighting in a small tent.

So on the last episode of The Leftovers, Justin was wearing TWO pairs of panties and his dick still swung around so much that my eyes went back and forth like I was watching a tennis game in fast forward. Dear The Hammaconda, a new challenger has arrived!

But really, Jon Hamm is not impressed. The Mad Men costumers have to hold The Hammaconda down with duct tape,  Super Glue, chains and four professional alligator wrestlers and it still can’t be contained.

Pics: Splash