Feel free to make a “giant feet” joke here. During a recent interview with Yahoo! Style, legendary summer-eyed tramp and current aspiring iTunes jockey Paris Hilton was asked about her former assistant and current filler enthusiast Kim Kardashian, specifically if she feels in any way responsible for unleashing Kim and her horrible family upon humanity. Ok, technically the question was if she thought her career paved the way for Kim’s and what she thought about the idea that the Kardashians would not exist if it weren’t for Paris Hilton. But let’s be honest – that’s just the churched up version of what I said.
Rather than listening to her conscience, which was no doubt screaming “YOU OWE THE WORLD AN APOLOGY!” into her ear, Paris answered:
“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”
I don’t know if Paris Hilton’s single working brain cell is smart enough to know how to throw shade, but something about that “It’s nice to inspire people” line made me put away my SPF and grab a sweater. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that sounded like Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery‘s cuntier sister.
Paris also said some shit about her future baby (literally every one of her ovums just started trembling with fear that they might be chosen for the real life Hunger Games that is growing into a baby that would have to call Paris Hilton “Mom”) and that she wants to name it London, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl. First Lindsay Lohan, now this? Poor London. What did London ever do to deserve being associated with such trash?
Speaking of Paris Hilton’s former fame whore apprentice, here’s Kim taking her kid to the movies last week. I love that every time we see North West, it looks like she’s scanning the area for an escape route. “Eh, none this time. Rats.”
Seen above looking like a short-haired Taylor Swift hitching a ride on a waxed proboscis monkey, the Daily Mail says that former celebrity and current person who plays music at parties Paris Hilton has gone and traded in her 23-year-old boyfriend River Viiperi for 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett. In case you’ve forgotten, or your brain won’t allow you to remember facts about Paris Hilton (good for it), Paris Hilton is 33-year-years old. Paris Hilton has herpes sores that are closer in age to her new boyfriend that she is.
Paris and Jordan are both in Italy for Milan Fashion Week were recently seen getting close at a party on Sunday night. They’ve also been posting what looks like outtakes from a Motherboy photo shoot to Instagram, because nothing says “We’re Probably Doing It” like blurry Chris Hansen-approved Instagram selfies.
I can’t throw shade at Paris Hilton for dating a Taylor Swift-looking fetus, because you do what you gotta do when you’re a notorious skank like Paris Hilton. She probably went after an 18-year-old because he’s young enough to not remember when 1 Night in Paris was released, and yet old enough that she doesn’t go to jail. Again. That, or she’s using him to break into the lucrative world of Bar Mitzvah DJing.
And if you want to see what a thirsty old attention whore slithering up against a come-to-life Kevin doll looks like, here’s another pic of Paris and Jordan:
“LOL, remember when people still cared about you?” – Kim Kardashian
“You mean when you were still just a barnacle on my ass?” – Paris Hilton
Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse than seeing a picture of horny pimp grandma Kris Jenner snuggled up to a butch-looking P.J. Sparkles doll, her dumb hooker daughter goes ahead and Instagramming a picture of her joyful reunion with wonky-eyed DJ and former somebody Paris Hilton. Reuuuunited and it feels like craaaaabs.
Kim and Paris used to be close friends back in the day (aka they sucked the same dicks and shared a prescription of Valtrex) but then Kim started getting more popular (aka sucking more dicks) and Wonky got jealous and started saying mean shit about Kim, like the now-famous quote about her ass looking like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese. But it looks like Paris and Kim decided to bury the cum-covered hatchet at Riccardo Tisci’s birthday party in Ibiza. While Kanye West was preparing to pop out of a giant cake and sing a sexy rendition of “Happy Birthday” to his boo, Kim was uploading a picture of her and her former BFF giggling like two stupid spoiled whores as they tried to remember all the random dicks they fucked for coke (Paris) and money (Kim) the last time they terrorized Ibiza:
“Reminiscing about the 1st time we went to Ibiza in 2006! @parishilton it was so good to see you & catch up!! Loves it lol”
It looks like Paris Hilton would rather get pissed on by Ray J than spend another second listening to Kim’s drowsy monotone mouth sounds, but she can’t get up to leave because sitting with The Rubber-Faced Goblin Slut means she gets an extra :30 seconds on her already long-expired 15 minutes. SUCH a Katch-22. And speaking of catching, pray for the people of Ibiza, who all caught a case of the dreaded Hoe-bola virus after these two skanky hoes came in contact with each other. Officials in Spain have warned citizens that if their breath smells like rotten jizz to get to a hospital immediately.
Here’s more of everyone’s favourite cheap-looking filler-faced porn star returning home from Ibiza with her pimp and her future third ex-husband. What in the name of Neverland Ranch hell is Kris wearing??? She looks like a third-rate Michael Jackson from a Kansas City touring production of Legends in Concert.
Courtney Stodden just threw herself onto a pile of dirty thongs and began weeping coagulated silicone tears into a ratty clump of $2 hair extensions, because she’s no longer the craziest gold-digging star-fucking jail bait fame whore on the block anymore. RIP, Porn Iguana; we hardly knew ye.
So just who is this daddy issues-having ho who has snatched away Courtney Stodden’s crown? According to Us Weekly, 57-year-old Ray Donovan actor (or Manny from Scarface, whichever brings up less of a “??????” for you) Steven Bauer attempted to out-creepy Woody Allen by showing up to the premiere of Magic in the Moonlight with his 18-year-old girlfriend Lyda Loudon. According to her Twitter bio, Lyda is a “part-time nightmare-inspirer, journalist, host of Sarcasm Overdose, ceo, actress, unsalvageable degenerate film/music/cigar/espresso addict” aka she’s unemployed. But Lyda is not just a barely-legal J-list star fucker (yes she is, but go on); she also founded Tea Party Youth and the L3 Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to “educate millennials with the tools it will take to turn America’s future around”.
Of course, it gets better (it always gets better). Lyda’s parents are former Missouri Republican senator John Loudon and Tea Party founder and author “Dr. Gina“ (she sounds like a no-nonsense discount gynecologist). Meanwhile, Steven used to be married to Melanie Griffith, and they have a 28-year-old son together. You know your girlfriend is too damn young if she can’t remember Melanie before the Antonio tattoo. Hell, your girlfriend is too young if her age is anything that ends in “-teen“!
No other information is known, like where they met or just how much Steven had to pay Chris Hansen to keep him from pulling the Dateline van up to his house, but one thing is for sure: they picked the right place to announce they were a couple. Nothing says “I’m in a not-right Pedobear-approved relationship with a teenage girl almost 40 years younger than me” like the red carpet premiere of a Woody Allen movie.
And if your name is Courtney Stodden, here are some pictures of Lyda that you may print out and pin to your dart board to angrily whip your stripper heels at later. For the rest of us, take a good look: this is Lyda before. It’s only a matter of time before she goes full-Hollywood Fame Humper and fills her face and tits with cheap silicone.
Paris Hilton Did An Interview, Because Apparently There Are Still People Who Care About Paris Hilton
*Image removed by request
I guess news in the UK is slower than the lazy eye of a slow-moving skank, because The Telegraph has published an interview they did with world-famous DJ and former clinic-famous human crotch rash Paris Hilton. The interview was conducted by Helena de Bertodando, aka the shady cunt who carried around a newspaper clipping for nine years so she could call out Emily Blunt to her face. Sadly, Helena never whips out a copy of 1 Night in Paris and asks her to take us back to the glory years of 2004. Instead she just lets Paris free-associate and spit out a rancid Heiress-scented Valtrex cloud of nonsense.
A deluded trick with only two barely-working brain cells had an awful lot to say, so it’s all after the cut. Continue reading