This Really Happened

If you read about the final sign of the apocalypse last night, you might’ve woken up this morning thinking that it was all just a terrible, terrible nightmare caused by the maple syrup butt enema (it’s a new thing, check GOOP) you gave yourself before bedtime. But nope, that nightmare exists on earth. Chad Kroeger from Nickelback proposed to Avril Lavigne after only 6 months together and she said yes. The proof is this picture of Avril flashing her 14 carat diamond engagement ring in HELLNO! Canada (via Twirlit). Yes, doesn’t Satan’s biggest kidney stone look beautiful when it’s polished and put on Avril’s finger? Since Chad and Avril are Canada’s new royal couple, their wedding will be televised live. When it airs, pay attention to that ring, because as soon as they say “I do” it will open up and the portal to Hell will be revealed.

It’s not all tragic news, though. At least Hell’s tourism board has a new picture to put on their “Welcome to the Ninth Circle” sign off the highway. And at least you’ll get in shape by taking up boxing. I mean, if Everlast knows good business, they’ll put that picture on all their punching bags.

Here’s Avril promoting her shitty clothing line at the MAGIC Convention in Las Vegas yesterday. It’s nice to see that true love hasn’t changed her impeccable style.

Avril Lavigne Is Engaged To The Singer From Nickelback (This Is Your Cue To Laugh Until You Cry)

The only way to follow-up a post about the existence of God is with a post about the existence of Lucifer. The devil is alive and has a really messed up way of screwing with our souls, because he has joined Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger together in an unholy union of suck. No, August 21st is not Canadian April Fool’s Day. I already checked and checked again.

Sometime before February, Avril Lavigne stopped boning Bruce Jenner’s son (Happy birthday, Brody!) and made the Canadian embassy in Hell cackle with laughter by getting on Chad Kroeger. Their rep tells People that the two Canadian ear killers got close while working on a song together six months ago and now they’re engaged to be married. Chad gave Avril a 14-carat diamond ring on August 8th. This will be 37-year-old Chad’s first marriage and 27-year-old Avril’s second.

I was going to say that this is about as random as a ferret hugging a dildo, but this actually makes a whole lot of sense. Avril is the Ed Hardy trucker cap of music and Nickelback is the Affliction cum rag of music. And anybody who owns an Ed Hardy trucker cap definitely owns an Affliction cum rag, because the two go together perfectly. But for why are they engaged after only 6 months? Please don’t tell me she’s knocked up, because I’m really not ready for the Antichrist to rip apart the earth’s crust by making the worst music civilization has ever heard.

It’s truly the end of days, because you know Ke$hit will be the maid of honor, Justin Bieber will officiate, Scott Stapp will be best man and Avril and Chad will register at Hot Topic. Oh here go hell come.

And the scariest words in the English language are officially: Avril Kroeger. I’m pretty sure that was the full name of the devil’s first born.

Stunning. Fresh. Gorgeous.

No, this is not a page from the “Buy 1 Get 1 Free” clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.

Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick’s to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim’s invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it’s not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn’t put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.

To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don’t already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one’s vagina. They’re both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn’t that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It’s that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, “Damn, bitch, we’re going to make dicks rise tonight!”

Here’s more pictures from Kim’s second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin’s black & white bowel movements.

This Is Some “American Dreamz” Shit

The Toronto Star reports that Khuram Sher, a 28-year-old Canadian doctor, was arrested early this morning as part of a terrorism investigation by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. And as soon as the news about Khuram’s arrest hit, this clip of him auditioning on Canadian Idol two years ago started making the rounds. Khuram sings out his rendition of Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” and moonwalks across the floor. While Khuram sits in a jail cell, Avril Lavigne is still making music. What part of the game is this?

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

Battle Of The Fake Losers

Michael Lohan, E*Trade, sanity and soap aren’t Lindsay Lohan’s only arch rivals. Apparently, the pride of Canada Avril Lavigne is also feeling the wrath of Blohan (feels like a hot bath in the Rock of Love Bus septic tank).

Page Six says that Avril, who is eternally a 13-year-old MySpace slut, is mad at LiLo for ignoring her at an event a while ago. Most people run home, light their saint candles and say a “thank you” prayer to the gods above whenever LiLo ignores them, but Avril felt the opposite. So when LiLo tried to play nice with her at the Chateau Marmont the other night, Avril threw shit right back at her which led to a public display of patheticness.

A witness-type says, “Avril was at a table with friends just over a week ago including her boyfriend, Brody Jenner, when Lindsay came over to say hi. But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’ Lindsay was furious and screamed back: ‘Don’t threaten me!’ She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off.”

First of all, LiLo should curtsy and say thank you to anybody who calls her a fake loser, because that is probably the nicest thing anyone has said to her in MONTHS. Second of all, Avril Lavigne was most likely wearing a “Sk8R Gurlz Do It Better” trucker cap and sipping on an Ed Hardy energy drink, so she is only allowed to use the word loser if she’s looking in a mirror. AND Avril is humping on Brody Jenner!

If the word loser had legs and arms, it would’ve ricocheted off of Lilo and drop kicked Avril in the mouth. Avril and LiLo both need to fuck a faucet, because the Fake and Loser store is out of both of them.

Besides, didn’t these two get the memo that the Chateau Marmont is not the place for creatures of irrelevancy to battle it out. Dancing with the Has-Beens is! Tuck your meat and take it to the dancefloor!

Avril Autographing A Picture Of A Jello Mold

Here I was going through pictures of Avril Lavigne and her ex-husband Deryck Whibley being gross together after the Alice in Wonderland premiere in London last night, when I came across this beautiful photo of Michael Kors’ hernia asking the punk fart princess to autograph a picture of a possum holding a Jello mold. This seems more than fitting since Avril has the personality of a Jello mold and the singing voice of a screeching baby possum.

And for those of you whispering in my ear that Avril is autographing a still from a movie she did voice stuff for, I just have to say: “Yayayayayayaya…I’m not listening…..let me believe!”

Here’s more of Avril and a balding Sonic the Hedgehog last night. Yeah, I guess they are licking each other’s butt holes again. This week, anyway.