Category: Avril Lavigne
Tim Burton Hates Us
If you want your ears to grow a protective layer of hair of around themselves just listen to Avril Lavigne’s song for the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack. You will want to swallow every blue pill and throw yourself down ANY hole.
The “hyena getting castrated with a butter knife” wail coming out of Avril’s mouth is probably the same sound an angsty Emo tween makes when his parents delete his MySpace page.
Ed Hardy’s Favorite New Couple
Avril Lavigne has already spread her maple syrup all over that hedgehog from Sum 41, human sweat rag Brandon Davis, and now she’s fucking on Brody Jenner. At this rate, it won’t be long before Avril is giving her Canadian bacon to Jon Gosselin’s 3-inch fetus dick and then the Ed Hardy circle jerk will be complete.
Anyways, E! News says that Avril and Brody have been quietly mixing fluids for the past couple of weeks. The source says, “They’re hooking up. but they’re keeping it low-key. You can tell they’re into each other and both like to have a good time. They’re cute together.”
Translation: Avril and Brody are drunk and high 99% of the day. I mean, does this source really expect me to believe that Brody is happier without the swollen Collagen puff that is Jayden Nicole in his life:
That’s a trick question.
The Hot Topic Palace Comes Crashing Down
In news you could smell (an intense odor of maple syrup covered condoms and irrelevancy) from ten thousand miles away, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from her husband of 3 years Deryck Whibley. Avril named “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why their marriage is now just a cold lump in the litter box. In the world of Avril, I’m pretty sure “irreconcilable differences” means that she loves the bottle more than she loves Deryck. Understandable.
According to Radar, Avril isn’t asking for a monthly check from Deryck, but she also doesn’t want to give him one either. Avril says that September 4th was the day she stopped dying Deryck’s dick bush with Manic Panic.
It seems that Avril has already found a new dick to keep her Emily the Strange lunchbox warm at night. Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Avril has been living in Hawaii with the heir to a canned pineapple empire. Some source said that Avril is getting dicked by Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. The source added, “Avril and Justin have been to Hawaii together but mostly they’ve been holed up at his place.”
Let me get this straight, Avril is fucking on a billionaire who probably devours pineapple by the pound? You know what they say about bitches who eat pineapple! So, not only does the dude fart money, but he also has Penis Colada on tap. Dude is way too good for the punk fart princess.
The Government Cheese Version of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Is Over
Last month, it was reported that the punk fart princesses’ marriage to Sonic the Douchehog was headed for the gutter, because he just couldn’t take her being a drunken skank anymore. Well, UsWeekly says that Avril Lavigne has pink slipped (not in a sexy way either) Deryck Whibley and evicted him from their mansion in Bel Air. Queef like you care.
A source said that Avril will drop divorce papers in Deryck’s lap any day now, “She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on. Divorce papers will be filed any day now.”
29-year-old Deryck and 25-year-old Avril made it legal around 3 years ago.
I don’t blame Avril. Having a pesky ring on your finger gets in the way of passing the pussay to every booze bottle and dick around town. Just replace that wedding ring with a clit ring and she’s good to go!
And now I must file for divorce from the short bus anthem “SK8R Boi.” Every time I see Avril’s male syrupy face, that stupid ass song fucks me in the brains repeatedly….without protection.
Trouble In Hot Topic Paradise
Avril Lavigne hasn’t really been in the spotlight for a while, because she’s been busy scuba diving in a Jack Daniels bottle. Or maybe people just can’t be bothered to lift their heads to see what she’s been up to. I don’t know. But I do know that Gatecrasher is saying that the rumors about her 3-year-old marriage to Deryck Whibley being in the shit hole are true. Avril and Deryck haven’t been photographed together since last year and sources are saying it’s because he doesn’t approve of her drunken slutty ways.
This past weekend, Avril was spotted in Southampton partying with anybody with a peen. When a few paps got pictures of her with other dudes, Avril demanded that they delete that shit so there wouldn’t be any evidence. Earlier in the summer, Avril was in St. Tropez without her husband and bitches were saying that she was acting like she wasn’t married.
Oh, poor Deryck. Dude already looks like a bulldog’s ass after getting penetrated with a taser gun, so I’m sure he looks extra grisly when he gets the sads. Deryck should definitely drop The Big D on Avril and present this evidence to the divorce judge:
That’s Avril with Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis. GUILTY!!!!!!! The judge will immediately grant the divorce and give EVERYTHING to Deryck.
Hiding Baby?
Avril Lavigne has already denied she’s knocked up. Being pregnant is so not faux punk rock. However, she was out baby shopping with her dude yesterday. I know that doesn’t mean shit. I hate when people make up pregnancy rumors just because someone is buying a damn rattle at fancy ass baby store or wherever the hell they shop. Avril was hiding her stomach with her bag though.
There could be an explanation for that. She probably just pissed her pants. That makes sense. I knew she had a little Fergie in her.
Wenn