Is Avril Lavigne Carrying The Future Crown Monarch of Canada?

One half of Canada’s royal couple (sorry for that, Canada) left a restaurant in London last night and some think that’s a fetus dome (I’m still trying hard to not type the words “baby bump.” Shit, I just did it…) under her dress. I don’t know, if Avril Lavigne was really pregnant with Chad Kroeger’s baby, the Earth would shake and all of our ears would fall off out of fear over what kind music their spawn would make.

Sure, Avril Lavigne could be knocked up and she could give birth to an angsty, Hot Topic-wearing block of Top Ramen noodles in a few months, but that doesn’t really look like a baby globe to me. Either wind is blowing up her dress or her punk rock vagina is just hyperventilating, because it knows that it’s only a matter of time before it sees Chad Kroeger’s dick again. It’s definitely the latter. It probably does that all the time.

Ke$ha’s Nalgas Made An Appearance At The Billboard Music Awards

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, “Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?” And that’s because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids’ favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I’m sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here’s some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell’s favorite couple, Hell’s second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber’s former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

Here’s To Never Leaving 2002

In case you didn’t already know from looking at her, Avril Lavigne is never growing up and when she’s 50, she’ll be in the backyard of some abandoned house, downing wine coolers as the 13-year-old sk8r bois do ollies in the empty pool.

The Hot Topic Pikachu put out a video for her new single “Here’s To Never Hitting Puberty’ and in it she wears her old outfit from the Complicated video, whine yodels at a prom and trashes a school hallway with a bunch of teenagers. Bitch is 28 years old and spraying champagne at a bunch of high schoolers! Shouldn’t she be on a list or something?

Believe it or not, this isn’t the most embarrassing thing the Canadian Peter Pan has done. Getting engaged to the humanized Top Ramen brick will always hold that title.

Maybe Avril Lavigne stays looking like a 14-year-old circa 2002, because she really has no choice. She’s smeared so much black tar on her eyes that she can’t get it off and so she’s going to look that way forever. When you’ve got permanent black paint eyes like that, you can either retreat to the mountains of China and live the rest of your life as a panda or you can keep your Kohl’s version of punk rock look.

via Vulture

Canadian Douche vs. Canadian Douche

No, Kelly Clarkson didn’t go blond. This is Avril Lavigne’s bleached porcupine-looking ex-husband, Deryck Whibley as her and that’s his girlfriend Ari Cooper as Chad Kroeger. There’s no shade like Canadian shade. The last time I laughed at something Deryck did was when he actually married Avril Lavigne and now I’m laughing at Deryck showing Avril up by looking prettier than her.

This mess of a costume is tragic, desperate and sad, and I love all of it. It’s perfect. It’s even more perfect when you think about how later on in the night, “Avril” licked “Chad’s” pussy in the last stall in the men’s bathroom. Yeah, something tells me this isn’t the first time Deryck and Ari have dressed up as Avril and Chad. They probably have a sex swing made of torn Abbey Dawn t-shirts hanging in the corner of their bedroom and they both can’t bust out an orgasm unless a Nickelback is blaring in their ears. Sucio bitches.

To keep the Canadian shade going, Chad Kroeger lit a cigarette and burned Deryck back on Twitter:

This is like watching a catty fight between an overused butt plug and a factory-defected enema. You can’t choose a side. If you asked Deryck who won, he would say he did and if you asked Chad who won, he would say he did. But they both lose, because they both can say that they’ve bumped nipples with Avril Lavigne.

via Entertainment Weekly 

Douches In Paris

Here’s Canada’s reigning royal couple, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger, spreading their beautiful love in Paris while looking like Cool Dad picking up his angsty 8th grade daughter from junior high school to take her to buy the Wheatus CD at f.y.e. because the year is 2001.

You know how sometimes it burns when you piss and you don’t look or reach for a hand mirror, because you don’t want to know the awful truth so you just keep smiling through the burns? That’s sort of how I felt when somebody sent me a link to these pictures and asked:  “Doesn’t Avril look knocked up here?” Nope, not going to look. Avril’s Emily the Strange tampon is firmly up in there and you can’t tell me otherwise, because I’m not ready for the world to end. Not today.

Here’s more of the Hot Topic Orphan and the butchered Ramen Head grossing people out in Paris yesterday.

Skrillex Has Never Looked Sexier

Becoming Mrs. Chad Kroeger has truly opened up Avril Lavigne’s petals and brought out her inner grace and beauty. At her Abbey Dawn show at New York Fashion Week (Words that should never be put together ever: Abbey Dawn at NY Fashion Week) yesterday, Canada’s answer to Grace Kelly took her bow on the catwalk and had everybody there wishing they looked like Skillrex after getting mauled in the face by a My Little Pony zombie.

Who wouldn’t want to look like a human watermelon Jolly Rancher stuck in a ratty, blond weave? Who wouldn’t want to smear dark grey make-up all over their eyes until their eyes looked like two horse vaginas? Who wouldn’t want to stick metal studs in their hair so it looks like the Tin Man busted one on them? We all would and if you’re hating on Avril, it’s just because you’re jealous that you didn’t come up with this horrifically tragic look first.

And I guess Avril got custody of the Jenner girls in her break-up from Brody, because one of Pimp Mama Kris’ hos walked in her show yesterday.