Open Post: Hosted By Ariel Winter In Denim Panties

Every time I see new pictures of 18-year-old Ariel Winter from Modern Family, she’s bringing new meaning to the name “coochie cutters,” and she totally outdid herself over the weekend when she showed up to Just Jared’s pool party wearing shorts that are so damn short we can’t really call them shorts. They’re more like jean chonies and they should come with a warning that reads: Wearing these jean chonies may cause you to queef up denim lint for days.

Ariel wore that elegant Daytona Beach spring breaker bathing suit and jean chonies with strangely conservative Louboutin heels. So from the thighs up, she’s serving “the most overdressed finalist in the Miss Juggalette 2016 pageant” and from the ankles down she’s serving “serial beige shoe-wearer St. Angie Jolie going to a meeting at the United Nations.” I was going to say that Ariel Winter looks like she’s wearing everything found in a Kylie Jenner starter pack, but I can’t say that since she’s not wearing thigh-high cage sandals and a cornrows wig, and her lips aren’t the size of two obese caterpillars in sleeping bags.

Pics: Splash

Ariel Winter Talks About Getting A Breast Reduction

While most of Hollywood is getting plastic titty bags installed in their chests to make their chichis bigger, 17-year-old Ariel Winter, who is best known for Modern Family and for having a demon monster of a mother, got her breasts reduced. Ariel tells Glamour Magazine that she wanted smaller chichis for many reasons. Ariel, who is 5 feet tall, got back pains standing all day, she couldn’t really find bathing suits that fit her right and she was tired of saying, “Hey, my eyes are up here,” to the Internet. Ariel says that people were constantly focusing on her chest and she didn’t want to be known as “The Breasts,” so she decided to take them from a 32F to a 34D.

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Once Again, Lupita Nyong’o Shows The Red Carpet How It’s Done

You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.

Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.

Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.

Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Ariel Winter’s Mom Shows Pimp Mama Kris Up And Then Some

14-year-old Ariel Winter of Modern Family sort of looks like a come-to-life Disney cartoon princess and it’s fitting that she does since her mother is a come-to-life Disney villainess with a cuntified heart made of dried vulture shit and a devil tail hiding under her sensible dress from Chico’s.

Ariel’s mom Chrystal Workman temporarily lost custody of her 14-year-old daughter to her 34-year-old daughter Shanelle Workman after she was accused of committing mental and physical child abuse. Ariel claims that her mother is a monster and Chrystal accused Shanelle of only using Ariel to get a hold of some of that Modern Family money. Now publicist Jonathan Hay has gone to Radar to tell them that Chrystal Workman might be one of Satan’s greatest work, because she asked him to leak naked pictures of Shanelle onto the internet. I guess Chrystal wanted to shame Shanelle by showing her nipples to everyone. Jonathan said this to Radar:

“Chrystal Workman, the mother of Ariel Winter, wanted me to represent her and leak nude photos in the media of her other daughter Shanelle Workman. In all my years of being a publicist, I have never seen anyone stoop as low as wanting to sell out and destroy the reputation of her own daughter. Chrystal said she wanted the public to see Shanelle for who she really was and smear her daughter in attempts to try and get custody back of Ariel.

Chrystal has called me nonstop in the last 48 hours, trying to get me to leak these pictures.”

TMZ says that the pictures are around 8 or 9 years old so Shanelle was either 25 or 26 when she put her titties in front of the camera lens.

Chrystal Workman is an evil mastermind! Everyone knows that if you put your titties in front of a camera when you were 25, you’re SO not fit to take care of a 14-year-old when you’re 34! That makes a whole lot of sense. The judge is going to say to Shanelle, “I’ve seen your 25-year-old titties. Therefore, I’m giving full custody of the human wallet you’re fighting over to Chrystal Workman!“

But seriously, White Oprah and Pimp Mama Kris need to get on the floor at worship at the hooves of Chrystal Workman. Chrystal Workman is showing them all how it’s done. Try to shame your one daughter to get your paws on the daughter who is making you money. Bow down, pimps, bow down.