Every year Heidi Klum throws a huge Halloween party and this bitch usually gets dressed up in some extravagant shit that makes all of us look like we should just go home and let the professional do her job. Yes, Heidi is the grand dame of Halloween!

Heidi did not disappoint with her costume last night. She went as Hindu goddess Kali. You know she was in make-up for fucking days. As hot as she looks, this costume is not for everyone.

Imagine getting wasted in this mess? I would probably accidentally stab myself in the asshole with that sword or get really intimate with one of those severed heads thinking it’s some hot dude. And those cut-off arms hanging down below could come in handy if your private area is feeling tingly and you need a little help. Okay…I’m starting to see the positives in wearing this craziness.

Heidi’s dude, Seal, dressed as some warrior finger banger. I’m sure he dressed as someone specific, but I’m dumb in the brains and it’s too early for me to spend my time going on a google search. Scream at me if you know the answer.

Other guests at Heidi’s soiree included Christian Siriano as Cruelle de Ville, Pink as some curious lesbian clown doll and Marc Bower as a gay angel of death.

Methinks we’ve found Brit Brit’s next baby daddy. This is Bill Pullman’s 19-year-old son Jack and he was arrested last night in Asheville, NC for allegedly beating a government official and possessing moonshine. Moonshine! Party like we’re in prohibition times!

WLOS reports that cops arrested Jack and his friend in Downtown Asheville Monday night. They must have made quite a ruckus because they were charged with resisting officers, underage drinking, having moonshine and assaulting a government official. I’m sure cops figured out shit wasn’t right when Jack stumbled out of the alley carrying a big jug with three Xs on it in one hand and a stick of possum jerky in the other.

Does moonshine make you howl at the moon too? Because that’s what this bitch is doing in his mugshot. I want to howl at the moon too. Unfortunately, I don’t know anybody who sells moonshine, so I googled for the recipe. I can barely make Easy Mac, so there’s no way I can make my this shit. Making moonshine takes serious skill. A skill that can only be found in inbred gene pools.

Manuel Uribe gained another 100+ pounds in Mexico yesterday after marrying his 38-year-old girlfriend Claudia Solis!!

Manuel, who hasn’t left his bed in 6 years, was carried to his wedding on a flatbed truck. His custom-made bed was decorated with a canopy, flowers and gold-trimmed bows. Patrol cars escorted him and the flatbed truck to the banquet hall. I’m jealous. I want to be carried everywhere on my bed. He’s like Cleofatra being carried through the streets of Mexico, waving to his subjects (aka the taco stand and McDonalds).

After they were declared husband and wife, Manuel broke into tears and all the 400 guests almost drowned. When the hall was dried out, Manuel and Claudia shared the traditional first dance by holding hands and swaying to the music.

The reception featured a spread of meat, buttered vegetables and a five-tier wedding cake. That was just for Manuel, the other guests ate burritos and rice. No! Manuel’s doctors were on hand to make sure he didn’t devour everything in sight. Manuel had to save his appetite so that he could eat his new wife later. You know he pours hot sauce on her chocha, sprinkles cheese on the top and wraps it in a burrito.

Manuel, who weighed 1,230 at his heaviest in 2006, told the reporters while leaving the hall, “I have a wife and will form a new family and live a happy life!”

Congratulations to Manuel and his ultimate chubby chaser wife, Claudia! I just hope Manuel has a prenup, because you know that bitch Claudia is after his Gansitos collection. Food digger!

I haven’t had Zima in a long ass time, but it still makes me a little sad to know that I’ve lost a booze option. Also, Zima was clear which means it could easily look like 7up when you want to booze on the down low.

Anyway, MillerCoors has decided to let Zima go. They stopped making that crap on October 10th.

One of the whores at MillerCoors said that basically nobody buys that crap anymore. Stores and bars will still continue to get Zima shipments through December.

Zima was nationally born in 1993. It quickly became the shit to drink when I was in high school. I was never into it. I was more of a Boone’s Farms kind of bitch. I liked to keep it classy.

So long, Zima! I hardly knew you, but I will miss you, because you contained alcohol. Alcohol is the daddy I never had.

If Mike’s Hard Lemonade gets killed, I will jump off this planet. That shit is the best.

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Thank Stock Broker

Have you ever stared at a car wash vacuum cleaner and thought to yourself, “Damn. I want to stick that hose on my genitals and ride it like the dirty slut it is”? Yeah, me neither. But some 29-year-old dude from Michigan felt the urge to purge…..his load into a car wash vacuum hose.

Last Thursday, at around 6:45 in the morning, the police received a call about some suspicious nasty shit going down at a car wash in Thomas Township, Michigan. When officers drove up, they found a dude “receiving sexual favors from a vacuum.” Basically, the dude’s peen was down the hose’s throat.

Maybe he was just cleaning the dick cheese off? It’s a good thing the officers showed up when they did. I bet the dude was about to let the hose toss his salad. Bitch would’ve had had an orgasm, but he also would have lost an organ too.

The dude was arrested and is currently being held in the Saginaw County Jail. The dude’s name hasn’t been released. Wait. Was David Duchovny in Michigan recently?

You know, this is what pisses me off about some people. You think that you can just pop a quarter in a bitch and then have your way with it for 3-minutes? Have some decency! Do you think that car wash vacuum hose is your own personal whore? No, it’s not. At least take that bitch to a fancy dinner at Red Lobster. Conversate with it a little. Get to know it better. Then take it back to your place, give it some sexy Victoria’s Secret lingerie to wear, light some candles, play some Barry White, put a fresh bag in it and then seduce it to like a real gentleman should. Make it feel like the sensual dirt sucker it is.

I swear, some people have no class.

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Thanks BLB

While making coffee this morning, I accidentally poured the coffee where the water goes and vice versa. I even turned it fucking on. I felt like Jessica Simpson’s brain twin. That’s until I read this story. Thank you, Charlotte Feeney for being the dumbest bitch of the day!

Charlotte of Connecticut filed a lawsuit against L’Oreal claiming that her life was ruined when she accidentally dyed her blonde hair brunette with one of their products.

Dumb dumb Char accused the company of putting the brunette hair dye in a blonde box. She said that she can never get back to her natural blonde hair color and she’s depressed in a major way because of that. She’s on anti-depressants, hardly goes out, always wears hats and suffers from anxiety.

Guess what the judge did? He laughed so hard he passed a kidney stone through his ass. And then he threw out the lawsuit.

This is probably the longest blonde joke I ever read. And nobody tell her she can actually dye her hair back! It’s best for all of us that she stays inside. I also can’t wait until the judge reads her lawsuit against Burger King for putting cheese on her cheeseburger. Sorry. That was dumber than Charlotte. I’ll be here all week!

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Thanks George