(Note: When I googled “Kim Zolciak” this picture came up and I almost fucking died. This is the best I’ve seen her look!)

Birthday: 1938 1978
Age: 30 (cough, gulp, heave)
Birth Name: Bitch Please Zolciak

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 18, 2008
Claim to Fame: Kim is “famous” for sucking Big Papa’s cock for money and then getting on a reality show to promote this! My idol.

Where is she now? Kim is no longer with Big Papa, so I have no idea how she’s getting paid. Kim says she’s posing in Playboy soon, but she probably had to pay them to get in the magazine. Maybe her wig cleans offices on the down low at night?

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Kim is the voice of this generation (sorry Kanye).

Blaaaake was in court today to beg the judge to appeal his 27 month sentence. The crackhead got deeeeenied.

Let’s go off topic really quick. A couple of years ago, I was buying some shit at a store with a credit card and the cashier runs it and says to me, “Oooooh shit! Bitch got denied!” Just like that. It was so awesome, I wanted to get denied again just so I could hear her say that. Okay, it wasn’t two years ago, it was yesterday. And the store was TJ Maxx. Now let’s get back on topic!

Blaaake was originally sentenced to 27 months for for fucking up a bar owner and then bribing him with some cash to shut his hole about it. Blaaake has served 9 months in the chokey and was released this month to get treatment for his crack problems at a rehab facility. Two judges denied the appeal and said Blaaake must stay at the rehab facility. Blaaaaake said that he was “disappointed but not really surprised.”

The Crackie of Camden probably isn’t taking any time out from smoking crack to cry about this shit since according to The News of the World, she’s telling friends that her marriage done. She reportedly said, “It’s over. There’s no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for sex.”

Let’s just ignore that part about sex unless you want to ruin your lunch before you eat it. It’s like when my mom talks about how her “coochie itches,” I just have to take the phone off my ear and quickly think about rainbows and unicorns.

I won’t believe Wino and Blaaake are over until I hear it from the crackie’s mouth! They’re never breaking up for good. If they do, who will scream Blaaaaake over and over again? And if there’s nobody to do that, the world will spin a little slower.

I was in line at Best Buy yesterday waiting to pay for some dumb crap and I was browsing the new CDs they try to sell your ass before you get to the register. I noticed the new Guns N’ Roses album, so I picked it up and said out loud, “I heard this was a piece of trash.” The dude in front of me was holding the CD and gave me a look that made my toe nails fall off. It was a “I want to butt fuck you with a hot hammer” kind of look. I’m not fucking sorry that I hurt his feelings, because he had a long ass, curly ponytail with blonde highlights in it. I’m sorry, but you deserve to get your feelings hurt if you have one of those.

Anyway, that shit came out yesterday after 15-years in the making and China is not happy about it! One of the newspapers published by the Communist Party said the album is an attack on their nation. From what I’ve heard it’s also an attack on ear drums. The article says that “unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.” The article also said that the record “turns its spear point on China.”

Obviously, they want a free bottle of Dr. Pepper. That shit will make them happy. A bottle of Dr. Pepper with a little bottle of Everclear. That shit is good.

And if you haven’t registered for your free coupon to get a 20 oz. bottle of Dr. Pepper yet, you can do so until 6pm today here. And yes, I still bought the album even though I slagged it off! Well, I wanted my free shit of Dr. P!

This is some weird news, but I guess since it happened on the grounds of the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood, it’s not so weird?

A man in his 40s drove up to the Centre in a red convertible yesterday afternoon. He got out of his car and approached three security guards carrying two 5-foot samurai swords in each hand. This shit sounds like just a regular afternoon down in Tommy Girl’s sex dungeon. Unfortunately, it was not and one of the security guards shot the man with a semiautomatic handgun. According to the police, the surveillance video showed the man waving the swords at the guards. One of the HBICs of the LAPD said, “The evidence is very clear the security officers were defending their safety.”

The police said that the man was involved with the Scientologists a long time ago, but they aren’t sure what his relationship was with them.

Was shooting the dude really necessary? Couldn’t they taser him or better yet, sic Jenna Elfman’s crazy ass on him.

And it’s nice to know that “so-called church” guards are carrying guns. Does this mean that nuns carry glocks in their garters?

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I miss the Prince of the past who used to sing about nasty shit and parade his beautiful bare ladyboy ass around the stage like a power bottom at a Palm Springs bath house. Now that Prince is a Jehovah’s Witness and has found God, you won’t ever see him flexing his nalgas for you while performing some of his dirty songs. And don’t even think of ever seeing him do any of that shit at a gay pride parade. Prince does not approve of homoness. God told him so.

When the New Yorker asked the beautiful ladyboy about his thoughts on gay marriage and adoption, Prince “tapped his bible” and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”

Wait! So that person who busted in on me in the garage blowing my neighbor in the 6th grade was God?! I thought it was my mom!

Prince may not agree with gay shit, but he should try explaining that to his ruffed shirt. That ruffled shirt is a butt fucker if I ever saw one. Actually, after he said that shit, his ruffled shirt and all his other extremely gay clothes and shoes quit that bitch to go protest against Prop 8. Prince has an empty closet now.

VIA The Blotter

I never really thought about if Wanda Sykes likes to suck on the peen or the clitty, but now that she’s declared her gayelleness, everything makes sense now. I had one of those “now that you mention it….” moments.

Anygayelle, raise your strap-ons and rejoice through the aisles of Home Depot, Wanda Sykes is a big ole’ lezzie! You can call her Wanda Dykes from now on! Sorry, it was the first thing I thought of. Yes, I’m eternally 12. Just like Mimi!

At the Las Vegas Prop 8 Really yesterday, Wanda shouted to the audinece, “I LOVE LICKIN’ THE LABIA AND PROUD OF IT!” No, she really said, “You know, I don’t really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn’t feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life. Everybody that knows me personally they know I’m gay. But that’s the way people should be able to live their lives.”

When Prop 8 passed in California, Wanda felt like she was attacked and so she’s speaking out about her life now. “Now, I gotta get in their face. I’m proud to be a woman. I’m proud to be a black woman, and I’m proud to be gay.” She forgot the “proud to be a funny person” part, because she stills makes me laugh until my peen hole queefs.

Wanda married her wife on October 25th. She was married to a dude back in the old days, but they divorced in 1998.

Go Wanda! I just want to give her a big lesbian hug (it involves lots of titties rubbing together)!

It’s your turn, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. Now, I don’t mean he needs to come out as a big shiny homo. But it’s about times he figures out that I’m alive, declares his undying love for me and promises to make me his child bride (I am younger than him).

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