No, seriously, just go go go go GO far far away. I’m going to keep this recap simple, because everybody sounded like glorious rock angels sent from Led Zeppelin heaven compared to the terrorist attack that is Danny Chokey.

Chokey must pay for whatever it is came out of his shit hole last night. The FCC needs to fine him, his church needs to excommunicate him and Peta needs to pour a gallon of red paint down his throat, because thousands of chickens WERE strangled to death in the making of that sound. During dress rehearsal, the stage manager fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital. All signs point to Chokey’s screech from hell. It is the cause of all the wrongdoings in this world.

The only good that could have come out of Chokey’s “baby hyena in a blender” screech is if Simon Cowell threw Kara DioSTFUALREADY towards it and she turned into a pile of salt. Then Paula would’ve run on stage and snorted her up. If that happened, Kara wouldn’t have embarrassed herself even more with the whole “Crazy” is “early Aerosmith” comment. Stupid bitch.

Chokey’s performance should seal the deal. He basically sang his own execution song last night. Somebody should check on Steven Tyler, because I think hearing Chokey absolutely murder one of his songs caused him to dig a grave just so he could lie down and turn in it.

With all that being said, Cockey won’t be put down tonight. The judges completely shrugged off that epic suckery off. Most of them said that Danny just wasn’t in his element. If by “element” they meant “singing,” then they are right. But that’s not what they meant.

All signs still point to a Glamberace/Cockey finale. And this grosses me out. It should be Manic Panic’s best girlfriend, Allison! Didn’t her duet with Glamberace pretty much confirm this? I mean, Allison was pretty perfect last night. When she sang, empty bottles of Jack Daniels and cartons of Marlboro Reds danced around me. She already has the voice of a middle-aged crackhead rock star who may or may not love the pussay. How can you not love that?

As for Kris Allen, I hope you got enough of his “jizzing in a tube sock” facial expression last night, because I think he is done. You won’t see them anymore. His army of horny tweens can’t save him now.

Now on to GLAMBERACE! Breaking news! For once in my life, I actually liked him. Yes, everyone was waiting for THE QUEEN to take on Queen, but his version on Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” kind of stroked me the right way (my apologies for that lunch-killing visual). This was mostly because Glamberace is built like Foghorn Leghorn, so that’s who I pictured singing this. That made a whole world of difference.

Now on to predictions:

Who will face execution?: Allison & Kris
Who will be executed?: Sadly, Kris….

P.S. – SLASH: I would totally let him rub my no-no with his nose ring. Who knew Slash could ever make me pucker?

Being Paula Abdul’s friend would be like the best thing ever! Not only do you get Xanax in your Cheerios when you have breakfast at her house, but she’d be so much fun to play pranks on. If you told her that she is the real Craigslist killer, she’d immediately turn herself in, because she’d totally believe you. If you told her she could grow a pill tree by planting an Adderall doll in the ground, she’d spend the whole night in her backyard with a shovel and some Miracle-Gro.

Because Paula has the common sense of a boiled avocado seed, she is the perfect person for Sacha Baron Cohen to fool!

Page Six says that for his movie, SBC interviewed Paula as Bruno. Paula had no idea she was being tricked. A source said, “Paula was totally fooled. She bought into his character and to this day isn’t aware she was fooled.”

To this day, I don’t think she’s aware that Skat Kat isn’t real. NOBODY TELL HER. It would break her little lude-filled heart. It would be like her epic Bratz meltdown all over again! “Where’s God when you need him?” Oh, Paula, he’s sitting in that little Vicodin bottle waiting for you!

File this under: Why am I even wasting bandwidth on this hot-blooded douchery? Yeah, brilliant question. I’m just doing this crap to get it out of my inbox and into the compost pile where it belongs.

Yesterday afternoon, those of you that live in the Los Angeles area were probably wondering why the air smelled like a dirty tampon lying in a dumpster on a scorching hot August afternoon. The answer is simple: Heidi and Spencer got “married” in Pasadena for like the ten millionth time or something. Surprisingly, the activists that believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman did not picket this wedding! I mean, this was not a wedding between a man and a woman. Shit, it wasn’t even a wedding between a human and a human.

I won’t make you dry heavey with the details. I’m sure you just want to know if either a) they both turned into a pile of ass dust after kissing in a church, b) a flock of doves pecked their eyes out as they left the church or c) instead of tossing the bouquet, both Heidi and Spencer tossed their reproductive organs into a pit filled with hongray wolves. None of these things happened, because the world is a cruel and ugly place.

If you are really hating yourself this morning and want to see pictures, just google “I should be shot for googling this” and VOILA!

I was just got back from boozing in the sun to find my e-mail box filled with the terrible and heartbreaking news that the iconic Bea Arthur has went off to the great big lanai in the sky at the age of 86. I was not ready for this!

A rep for Bea said she died peacefully in her sleeping this morning at home. Bea had cancer, but her rep didn’t give any specific details as to the cause of her death. Her personal assistant, Dan Witt, said, “She was a brilliant and witty woman. Bea will always have a special place in my heart.” In mine as well.

Some know Bea for her role as Maude, but I know her as one of my best late-night friends, Dorothy Zbornak on Golden Girls. Seriously, I feel like I lost one of my bestest friends! After coming home from a drunken night, I could always count on Bea and company to lullaby me to sleep with their brilliant and touching way with comedy.

Thank you for being a friend, Bea. You will be missed and your genius will live on forever! I mean that. And tell “ma” we all said “Hi.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must drown the pain away with something strong. Maybe a cheesecaketini. Rest in peace, Bea…..

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The two foolios who posted videos on YouTube of themselves doing gross things to the food at Domino’s were arrested and charged with distributing prohibited foods. That’s just legal talk for “ass queefing on pepperoni.” The po-po in Conover, NC said 32-year-old Michael Setzer already was released on bail, but 31-year-old Kristy Hammonds is still marinating in a cell.

Kristy needed to spend more quality time with those jerked up eyebrows and less time videotaping ole’ boy effing his nostril with a piece of cheese before placing it on a sub. Seriously, the face should not have two different eyebrows. I know meth probably made the one on the left more spazzy, but a few plucks and a swipe from a Sharpie would fix that! I hope that while Kristy is sitting in a cell, she thinks long and hard about the pain she caused her eyebrows. Oh yeah, and she should also think about how drizzling butt air on people’s food isn’t right. Yeah, that’s not good.

Source: AP

Mega bonghead Woody Harrelson got into a little tussle at NYC’s LaGuardia Airport this past Thursday with a TMZ cameradude who wanted to get up into his life. Woody didn’t feel like playing, so he grabbed at the dude and broke one of his cameras. The dude can be heard whining on the video from TMZ that Woody is assaulting him. Woody busted out of there and the cameradude called the police who took his report.

This isn’t the first time Woody got down with a pap from TMZ. Two years ago, Woody was accused of choking a trick from TMZ. Woody is trying to get that case dismissed.

Yesterday, Woody issued a statement explaining what went down at LaGuardia:

“I wrapped a movie called `Zombieland,’ in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie.”

So that’s why I like Woody Harrelson!

You know, don’t zombies usually attack bitches with brains?! They were going after the wrong ho, because Woody smoked up his brains years ago! And Woody needs to watch more zombie movies. You don’t attack their asses! You go for the head! GO FOR THE HEAD!!!

This is just another reason why weed is a beautiful thing. It makes you say hilarious shit like this!

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