If Google kept crashing on you all through last night, that’s because zillions of crazed Twitweens were feverishly searching for pictures to print out of that skankwhorecunttrampslutbitchanallover (their words, not mine) Erika Dutra. They gathered around their parents’ Weber grill in the backyard and held a chanting ceremony where threw her pictures into the fire (along with a pack of Camels) while wishing that her vagina closes for LIFE. That’s because Erika was spotted “canoodling” with a sparkly vampire we all know as Robert Pattinson at a party in Cannes. If I was the President of Hot Topic, I’d send a rush order of “DIE ERIKA DUTRA DIE” t-shirts to all stores. This could save the entire economy.

RPattz is reportedly slapping his glitter wand on his co-star Kristen Stewart, but he didn’t seem to have a care in the world when he was licking on Erika. A witness-type told Life & Style, “Erika was introduced to Robert by a mutual friend at the beginning of the night and he was smitten with her from that point on. He took pictures of her, sat with her all night, and the two of them were even seen kissing! There was serious chemistry between them, and they looked like they were having an amazing time. Erika and Robert even left the party together!”

So Skankika (again, their words not mine), rode that unicorn horn all night? To quote a philosopher named Oda Mae Brown: “Erika, you in danger girl.”

A reader sent me this story from Australia about some bitch named Clare who offended people when yapping about a shooting she witnessed in Sydney on Sunday. You see, Clare used the term “wog” which I was told is totally offensive. I’ve never really heard that term before, so the first thing I pictured was an animal who is a cross between a hog and a wombat. Yeah, a hog/wombat hybrid would be fuglier than anything between Paris Hilton’s legs, but I didn’t understand why that shit would be considered offensive. Then I googled it, asked around and learned that “wog” is actually an ethnic slur. Wiki says: “The term traditionally denoted immigrants principally of Southern European, and Eastern European origins (and since then, their descendants).”

Anyway, Clare and her stupid ass has become an overnight sensation over in Australia. The dumb bitch had to hire a spokeswhore and people are even selling Clare t-shirts. Really, what does this chick expect? That she’s going to become the next Nicole Kidman or something? Sorry, bitch, but you’ll probably get to be a fluffer in a low-budget porn and that’s it!

However, if this ho was American, she’d be first-runner up in the Miss USA pageant. Truth.

And the dude who says the shooting was “awesome” is the one who should be getting all the attention.

(Thanks Becks)

Paulina Porizkova was fired from America’s Next Top MySpace Model on her birfday (Happy Birfdays!) and was told she had an ego problem. Paulina, who has never been afraid to get extra cunty, told Billy Bush that Ty Ty Baby is a vainglorious monster! Yeah, in other shocking news, that thing on Ty Ty’s head had a previous life as an Afghan Hound.

Paulina told Billy that her main problem was that she would be sitting around, eating her toe nails, waiting for her majesty to show up, “It’s six hours later and I feel like I am being told my time is not as valuable as hers. They pointed out that I should shut up and be grateful for the job and that Tyra is really busy. I think that my little hissy fits about ‘Well, we are all here on time. Why can’t she?’ didn’t go over all that well.”

When asked if she thinks Ty Ty just can’t stand another vagina on the panel, Paulina said her firing had nothing to do with that, “I don’t think that in Tyra’s universe that’s even a consideration. I don’t think she cares. I’m not even sure she was aware that I existed way out there in Siberia, much like I am not sure she knew Twiggy existed.”

And Paulina said she doesn’t even know what kind of person Ty Ty is in real life, because they only talked on camera, “All I know of her is literally when we are on set talking to each other in front of the cameras. That is the only time she would speak to me.”

In Ty Ty’s defense, it’s impossible for her to do anything off camera. No, it’s scientifically impossible. If a camera’s not on her, she goes to sleep and a screensaver pops (a picture of her, of course). Ty Ty is powered by the cameras! That’s her only energy source! So Paulina shouldn’t judge her for that!

Paulina should also sleep with two eyes open and a bottle of make-up remover under her pillow (her only defense against Ty Ty), because bitch is going to get it.

On the left is a picture of Bruce Jenner last year, and on the right is a picture taken last month after he slipped back under the knife to fix his charbroiled mug. Why don’t I see a difference? The new picture from Life & Style just looks like it was passed through the Photoshop machine for a quick minute, but his face kind of still looks the same. Okay, maybe he looks a little diffy. Just a little. If I squint my eyes and hum the theme song to Twin Peaks, I kind of see Kyle McLaughlin. Well, Kyle after a block of dry ice fell on his face.

I mean, really! The surgery was unnecessary. If Bruce doesn’t stop, his face is going to bust out of there. The same thing happened to Joan Rivers and look at her! No, that’s not her real face. That’s a re-purposed Madame mask.

Bruce, just quit that mess! You are beauty-ful just the way you are. Not really, but if that’s what Bruce needs to hear, then I’ll shout it from the highest mountain (aka Kim Kardashian’s ass).

Most crackhouses (so I’ve heard) look like the inside of a dumpster outside of a strip club and HoHan’s is no exception! Yesterday, the po po were told to investigate possibly thievery at HoHan’s crack den after the security alarm was set off. HoHan was not at home, because she was too busy famewhoring in Paris with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan.

After checking everything out, the police found no signs of a break-in. However, they did find signs of a dirty dirty bitch who is straight-up nasty and doesn’t clean up after herself. That’s not a look of surprise on your face, right?

Officer Karen Rayner told the Associated Press, “Is it normally like this, or did the intruders do it?” They initially thought it was the work of a burglar, because the place look ransacked. HoHan probably misplaced an 8-ball. You know how those junkies get when they can’t find their bad shit. They cut open the mattresses, pull up the floor boards and digs holes in the backyard. They get all crazy. Besides, how can we expect her to Windex shit when the mirrors are always in use?

Here’s more pictures of PiggyHan and Ali with fresh morning meth faces in Paris today.

Tom Cruise speaking about Study Technology

Gawker found this old video of a Cojo-haired Mr. Tommy Girl dropping Hubbard-isms while speaking about some shit called “study technology” at a Scientology event. I don’t speak fluent E.T., so I kind of had no idea what the hell he was blabbing about. He says something about through his sheer determinism he learned he was falsely diagnosed with Dyslexia. Or something. I don’t know.

I’m not a doctor, but I can officially diagnose him with a disorder known as CrazyAsAMotherfucker-itis.

And you know that while he was talking the only thing on his mind was sweaty peen. That’s it. Just sweaty peen.

P.S. – If you shut your eyes, it kind of sounds like an extended ITT-Tech commercial.