Don’t you worry, there’s no need to throw a panty over your eyes, because no Xtina labia is visible from here. I mean, do you see a second pair of red lacquered lips puckering at you from down below? Xtina always makes sure her lips match. She’s a lady like that. Maybe she’s wearing flesh-colored vagina Spanx, or maybe she sprayed her cooch with equal parts bronzer, pancake make-up and whatever they color Barbie’s skin with so it matches the rest of her body. Who knows.

On Hollywood Blvd. this afternoon, Xtina gracefully lounged on the sidewalk next to her star while her mom and younger brother watched all proud-like. The fact that Xtina looks like “Hatchet Face after a Swan makeover” doesn’t make me ignore her parched eyebrow situation.

I don’t understand why she keeps doing this to herself! Xtina covers almost every one of her pores with enough grease to keep Tommy Girl’s no-no in business for years yet she can’t throw a little moisture on her brows. It’s like she dusted her brows with the ashy charcoal my mom hasn’t cleaned from her Weber in decades. Only Vincent Price is allowed to have brows like that. Come on, Xtina, put some Sharpie on it!

Carey Hart (which sounds like Mimi’s nickname for her heart-shaped pussy bush) has always done things to me. It’s because there was this nasty ass dirty skater boy in high school who made me swoon where it counts. Dude reeked like doggy bath water but I knew it was true love when he asked me to rip off one of his scabs really fast. No, I didn’t sleep with his scab under my pillow. Okay, I’m not that sucio. I kept it in a Ziploc bag in my panty box (my Ikea drawers were broken at the time) like a normal person!

So what I’m trying to say here is that if I was Pink, I’d probably have a dozen babies crawling around inside me by now. They’d still be inside because the exit would be blocked by Carey’s peen. Google map that shit and find another way out, little bitches. I didn’t mean to get all science fiction on you this morning, so let’s move on….

UsWeekly is saying that Pink’s uterus currently has a No Vacancy sign over it, because a fetus has checked in. Pink and her husband Carey haven’t confirmed this shit yet, but a source type said she’s about 12 weeks along and she’s going to take time off between touring. Pink and Carey hit the pause button on their marriage a couple of years ago, but now things are stronger than ever. That’s what the source says anyway, “She’s really happy, and she’s excited she got pregnant so fast! She’ll be a brilliant mother.”

My abuelita co-signs that “brilliant mother” part since Pink recently said that she’s a disciple of the Church Of Beating The Bad Out Of Your Kids. Yup, she will be adding a switch to her baby registry.

Pink’s baby isn’t even trying to come out of her cooch screaming. It’s going to come out with its mouth closed, its legs crossed and its tiny hands on its lap all polite-like. It’s first words will be, “Yes, ma’am.”

Why were the MTV European Music Awards called the MTV European Music Awards when ninety percent of the bitches who were nominated and performed were American! We’ve already done enough! I mean, the fuckery screeches from this past MTV VMAs sanded a thin layer off the ozone layer and now we’re doing it again with the MTV EMAs. Although, I’m not sure what my rambling rant has to do with Ke¢ha since it’s obvious her passport was issued by Fraggle Rock Nation.

At last night’s EMAs, Ke$tchup’s “Chipette on nitrous” voice sanded a few layers off the ozone when she performed every 3rd grader’s favorite song of 2009 Tik Tok. If you’ve always wanted to know what the Wicked Witch of the West’s rap voice sounds like, click here for Ke$hit’s performance. My major problem with Ke$ha’s look is that I don’t see the contents of a dumpster at a desert rave the way most of you do, I see a beloved character from my childhood: PIZZAZZ FROM JEM!! Ke$hit is more of a low-budget porn version of Pizzazz, though. More like Pizzinmyazz or Jizzazz. I still hate her for this. And you know who else channeled a cartoon icon from my childhood? KATY PERRY!

Katy Perry performed “Firework” (click here to see it) looking like a cross between Double Trouble and Castaspella from She-Ra as seen through the eyes of a Cirque du Soleil costume designer.

I’ll be okay as long as I don’t see pictures of Lady CaCa in Beverly Hills Teens drag.

Joey Fatone’s knead and squeeze dough sacks aside, Nick Lachey had one of the best boy band racks in the 90s and it looks like his succulent pectorals still have the power to temporarily turn me into a tits kind of gay. Even though Nick looks like he only eats Tubby Tustard, I still would. Send your judgments here.

Jessica Simpson’s former fart scent tester took a break from opening up his 98 Degrees royalty checks (“LOOK! They played ‘True To Your Heart’ in a soap opera in Croatia!” – Nick Lachey when looking at his check) to fly down to Mexico with his piece Vanessa Minnnilllolol. Okay, I never know how many Ls or Ns that girl has in her name (don’t make me Google) so I figured it’s better to give her more than less.

Nick and Vanessa are in Mexico to celebrate his 37th birfday, her 30th birfday and their new engagement. UsWeekly says that Nick sealed the deal with a $125,000 diamond ring. A $125,000 diamond ring that will fill Vanessa’s nostrils with the aroma of one of Jessica Simpson’s after eatin’ burps whenever it sparkles since her money bought that shit!

Just a few days after losing her baby 6 months into pregnancy, Lily Allen is back in the hospital being treated for a blood condition called septicemia. I’ve never heard of septicemia and usually I ask my mom about these kinds of things since she has a PhD in Dr. Oz Watching with a Masters in The Doctors Watching, but she’s not around so I went to that know-it-all bitch Google and they told me this:

Septicemia is the presence of bacteria in the blood (bacteremia) and
is often associated with severe infections. Septicemia can begin with
spiking fevers, chills, rapid breathing, and rapid heart rate.

Serious cases can be deadly, but apparently Lily is in stable condition and she’s getting better. Her rep had this to say:

“She is responding well to treatment and her condition continues to improve. Lily thanks everyone for their messages of support and again asks that she and partner Sam Cooper be left alone whilst she recovers.”

It’s been damn rough for Lily lately. So yeah, I guess I’ll stop bitching to everybody about how this weather is making my hair go flaccid like an ice cold dick. Good thoughts to Lily.

Chip Coffey, American prince of the paranormal who lends his talents to A&E’s Psychic Kids and Paranormal State. And as you can tell from the montage above, Chip isn’t ready to waltz with unsettled spirits until he flips a scarf around his neck before he arches his back and struts out his front door like a high school drama teacher.

It’s as if Tangina Barrons from Poltergeist sprouted up a few inches, developed a serious scarf fetish and took her sense of theatrical dramatics to a new level. Chip is giving us “Walk towards the light, Carol Ann!” with a side of pursed lips and graceful arm waves that can make even the evilest ghost swoon. See for yourself in this old clip from Psychic Kids:

(For Christina & Lisa)