It’s a slow day on the ho stroll when we look at a birth announcement from Nick Lachey and his wife Vanessa and think, “news!“. But here we are. Apparently Nick still tours (when he’s not trying to get his weed farm off the ground) and Vanessa is a “tv personality” or whatever, but as Tori Spelling can attest, nothing guarantees a tabloid cover like a new mouth to feed.
I know that manicured hand being gripped on to by that baby is that of Vanessa Minnillo, but it’s more fun to pretend it belongs to Nick Lachey (he seems like the sporty squoval type). I, like I’m sure many of you, forgot that Vanessa Mint Milano Cookies was knocked up with one of Nick Lachey’s white turtleneck-wearing bobo Channing Tatum sperms. But she was, and now she’s not anymore, because she gave birth to the baby living inside her yesterday. Vanessa announced the arrival of said baby by posting a picture to Instagram earlier today with the following caption that will no doubt make Michael K fly into a fit of rage and whip his Beverly Hills Teens pencil holder at the wall (thankfully I always keep a spare under my desk):
“Baby girl Lachey is finally HERE and we couldn’t be happier!!! All her sweet little details are on VanessaLachey.com. Thank you for all of the love and support, we are over the moon! Xx“
I got really excited thinking they had actually named their baby “Baby Girl Lachey”, but UsWeekly – who is clearly in thew business of crushing dreams – says her name is actually Brooklyn Elisabeth. She joins their other kid, 2-year-old Camden John. Brooklyn and Camden? It sounds like Nick and Vanessa have been choosing their kids’ names by throwing a dart at a map of the greater New York/New Jersey area. If that’s true, then I sincerely look forward to the possibility of a third baby named Schenectady Lachey. Unless there’s already a drag queen from upstate New York with that name, in which case, hands off Vanessa and Nick – that’s a hot name, and it doesn’t belong to you.
Countdown to Vanessa Minnillo’s “HOW I GOT MAH BODEEEEEEE BACK!” cover of Life & Style.
For some reason, I always forget that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson never made a baby together. Maybe it’s because I want to believe that right before they quit each other they had a surprise love child who Jessica unknowingly gave birth to into a toilet. Then Papa Joe snatched up that secret love child and gave it to the maternal Georgia peach known as Mama June. That love child grew up to be America’s sweetheart Honey Boo Boo Chile!!!! Honey Boo Boo does have Jessica’s palate, so this makes sense. As far as we know, though, Nick and Jessica never spawned together, but now they both have their own baby with other hos.
Nick Lachey’s wife of a year, Vanessa Minnillo, popped out a baby boy last night and they pushed out this statement to People afterward:
“We are incredibly proud to announce the birth of our beautiful baby boy, Camden John Lachey. Born today at 6:54 p.m., he came into this world at 8 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches. Love has truly been redefined for both of us.”
I’m punching myself in the bone helmet covering my brain for knowing this, but Kristin Calamariswhatever from The Hills also named her kid Camden. Camdens are taking over the world. Camden as a first name doesn’t totally make my eyes roll to the side, but “Camden John” sounds like the nickname Amy Winehouse gave her toilet. But congratulations to Camden John who will get dozens of jealous looks from the other babies when his father breastfeeds him in the park. I mean, Nick totally holds more leche in his titty sacks than Vanessa does.
And brace yourselves for the eventual 2032 People cover that will read: “Newlyweds 2.0! Maxwell Drew Johnson & Camden John Lachey MARRIED!” We should start drinking now.
Prepare yourselves for a spawn of John Mayer, because with the way things are going his David Duke jizz is going to knock up a ho in no time. It’s a terrifying trend! Nick Lachey announced on Live with Kelly (via People) this morning that just like Tony Romo, he’s an ex-piece of Jessica Simpson who is going to be somebody’s father soon. Nick said that he and his wife Vanessa Minnillo are expecting a baby friend this summer or fall.
“She was in New York and I was in the Bahamas. She went to the store and got a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We’re having a baby! This is the one thing that more than any other I’ve looked forward to, and it’s overwhelming.
If it’s a girl, I think it might be Sophia. If it’s a boy, I’m not sure.”
Somewhere in California, Papa Joe is trying to lure Jessica’s unborn baby out with a deep fried Pop Tart and butter sandwich, because they need to beat Vanessa Minillowhatever and her unborn baby to the cover of People Magazine. But Jessica has been knocked up for so long that Vanessa’s going to pop out her second and third kid while a fully developed adult leg hangs out of Jessica’s cooch.
But seriously, this is wonderful news, because Nick Lachey’s glorious leche mounds should not go to waste. Those man titties were made for breastfeedin’.
One would think that because there’s sunshine and tropical rains in Hawaii nearly every day, Nick Lachey’s world-class rack would be extra lush and bountiful, but that’s not what’s happening here. Nick and his wife Vanessa Manilawhatever trained in the sport of bikini bike riding for the 2012 Holympics in Hawaii yesterday afternoon, and his chichis almost look as flat as her personality. The sudden urge to motorboat while humming the melody to “Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)” usually fills me when I stare at Nick’s succulent pectorals, but not one musical note is filling my throat. Eat some macadamias, Nick! Get those tetes to reach for the sun again.
Oh, let’s just assume that Nick’s pec sacks are still on California time so they’re just taking their usual early evening nap. Let’s assume that.
The wedding of the
year month week day hour took place on a “secret tropical island” (how fucking “Lost” of them) yesterday when the dude with the pork filled empanada titties from 98 Degrees married Vanessa Manilafolders in front of 35 friends and a TLC camera crew. Actually, I think this was the second wedding of the hour, because I’m sure somebody married somebody in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot in the south and that is definitely more interesting. Anyway, the former Mr. Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey said “I dooooooo cherish yoooooooooo” to Vanessa and they blurted out this statement to People just seconds after their extremely private secret wedding:
“For us, this is just a stepping stone to do what we ultimately want and that’s to start a family together.”
The extremely private secret wedding will air on the not-so-secret and not-so-private cable channel TLC on July 30th. Their wedding special will air directly after a fart fetish episode of Strange Sex since a bowel movement usually follows a fart.
And across the ocean, Jessica Simpson’s mouth married an Entenmann’s crumb cake as her dumb dumb fiance used her credit card to order a dozen Roombas off of HSN for his foolproof business venture: ROOMBA DERBY! Yeah, you’re laughing now….