Jessica Simpson is out there selling her memoir, Open Book, and she’s already been open about being sober, how her relationship to John Mayer caused her to pick up the bottle, and how reality TV did what reality TV does: destroy marriages. And about that marriage that reality TV destroyed, Jessica says that after she divorced Nick Lachey, she treated herself to a lip lockin’ session with Justin Timberlake that ended very badly.
Jessica Simpson’s new memoir, Open Book, has already provided us with the very sad revelations that she used to self medicate with booze and pills to bury the memories of childhood abuse, that she was forced to get sober after being unable to get her kids dressed for Halloween, and that John Mayer was kind of a dick (although that’s not really a revelation). Thankfully, there are also some less-sad stories in her memoir. Actually, I take it back. This will be devastating to anyone who was a committed fan of MTV’s Newlyweds.
Jessica has opened up about being one-half of one of the most famous reality TV couples of all time, as well as what she thinks ended her marriage to Nick Lachey. Unlike some juicier celebrity splits, no one cheated or did anyone dirty. Jessica says there were a lot of factors that just kind of doomed the whole thing right from the beginning.
It might be a little hard to tell through that heavy real-life Haylie Duff filter that seems permanently applied to her face. But no, it’s not Haylie Duff. It’s 1980s teen pop legend and one-time perfume mogul Debbie Gibson! I really should have made it easier by Photoshopping in a pastel peach Sharp Boombox.
Another season of Dancing With the Stars (or as it’s known in my house, “Okay, but why is the British version called Strictly Come Dancing?“) will soon be upon us. Stars and the star-adjacent are begging their agents or whoever has a phone with a couple free minutes left on it to get them a spot on the 25th season. Handsome house fixer-upper and aspiring Hallmark movie boyfriend Drew Scott was the first to confirm that he has joined the cast. Great news for anyone who has ever wanted to see a come-to-life male department store mannequin attempt to cha-cha-cha. Another cast member that has been confirmed is former Malcolm in the Middle star and sometime mess Frankie Muniz.
It’s a slow day on the ho stroll when we look at a birth announcement from Nick Lachey and his wife Vanessa and think, “news!“. But here we are. Apparently Nick still tours (when he’s not trying to get his weed farm off the ground) and Vanessa is a “tv personality” or whatever, but as Tori Spelling can attest, nothing guarantees a tabloid cover like a new mouth to feed.
Voters could’ve put the HIGH in Ohio yesterday voting to completely legalize the good shit, which might’ve made Nick Lachey, of all hos richer, than Jessica Simpson. But sadly for Nick Lachey, Ohio decided that they’d rather give their money to their local weed man than stick it between the hard tits of the dude from 98 Degrees.
A motley crew of Ohio weed farm owners (including Cincinnati’s own Nick Lachey, fashion designer Nanette Lepore, retired NBA star Oscar Robertson, football player Frostee Rucker and descendants of President Taft) put up as much as a total of $4 million to get a marijuana legalization bill to the voters. If the bill to make medicinal and recreational marijuana legal passed, 10 weed farms in Ohio, and only those 10 weed farms, would’ve been able to grow the good shit and sell it to dispensaries. Nick and his partners own one of the 10 farms. They paid $10 million for it, like the other farm owners. Of course, the owners wanted that shit to pass, because one study claimed that they’d collectively make $1.1 billion a year if it did.
Cleveland.com says that the weed bill, called Issue 3, won just 35.9% of the votes. Apparently, even some of the pot heads of Ohio threw a side-eye at the bill, because it would’ve turned the weed game into a monopoly. Nick Lachey cried out a green tear (it was green because he was thinking of all the money he’s losing out on) as he tweeted about being defeated.
— Nick Lachey (@NickLachey) November 4, 2015
What’s really weird to me is that the second hottest dude in 98 Degrees owns a weed farm. Out of all the 90s boy banders, I would’ve guessed that Chris Kirkpatrick of N*Sync would be the one to own a weed farm, because he was obviously stoned into oblivion when he did his hair up like a rotten braided pineapple.
In other Ohio political news, Opal Covey, my choice for president in 2020, didn’t become Mayor of Toledo last night. She came in last place! So I’m guessing that all of the stoners of Toledo are smoking an illegal joint next to Opal Covey while watching God destroy their city with lightning bolts.