Dear extra from Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, You can finally put on that outfit you stole from the costume department and rock that shit proudly like Sienna Miller did in France yesterday. Who cares if those pants make your labia look like the size of one of Jabba the Hutt’s chins. Who cares if bitches start singing “Does your puss hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?” when you walk on by. Who cares if those pants are the color of week-old salmon tartare. If it’s good enough for Sienna….

And speaking of hos dressing like high school students from the early 90s, I’ve also thrown in some pictures of RiRi in Paris

Keanu Reeves was honored with an excellence in acting award (by a group of people who obviously haven’t seen his work in Dracula…. or…. Little Buddha…. or Much Ado About Nothing…. or A Walk in the Clouds) at the Woodstock Film Festival, and Vulture used the opportunity to ask him if he was aware that he’s the star of the internet meme “Sad Keanu.”

Keanu said that his publicist has sort of told him about it, but he didn’t know that there are thousands upon thousands of Photoshopped pictures of him looking sad next to everything from Forrest Gump to crying Dawson. The rest of their conversation went like this:

Seriously, though, this is one of the reasons I think one of the big appeals of you as an actor is that people are always straining to figure out what’s on your mind, what you’re thinking, why you’re sad … There’s thousands of people doing this.
Wow. So, what, now they’re putting me next to other objects?

Yes! For instance, right now I’m looking at you in some Banksy graffiti, you next to a panda.
That’s so funny.

You with a cheerleader, but you don’t notice her …
Oh, that’s funny. So they like take paparazzi pictures and re-contextualize them? Funny.

Exactly.
Well, it sounds like harmless, good clean fun.

What do you make of how your fandom is changing?
I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. That one, well, I guess, though, when you think of how bad that stuff can go, that sounds like a pretty good clean fun one to have happening.

Given the options …
Yeah, I haven’t seen them. But given the scope and scale of what can happen out there, that sounds like an all right one. It sounds conceptually funny. [Laughs.]

But when Sad Keanu laughed, he still managed to do it while frowning with his eyes and crying with his mouth.

And I hope this means that Keanu isn’t going to start smiling more. Every time Keanu makes a sadface, a happy John Denver song mysteriously shows up on someone’s iTunes library to keep the world’s emotions even and that’s a good thing. The world needs more John Denver…and Sad Keanu.

(Image by iwanttorentawombat)

Oi! Kitty, the pink pussy who has been spread all over the UK’s most prestigious papers (aka The Sun and The Daily Mail) for the past couple of days. Jodie Marsh, eat your pussy out (although, I don’t know if hers is pink anymore)!

A few nights ago, a pinky pussy was found wandering around in somebody’s garden in the town of Swindon in Wiltshire, England. Usually when that happens, the authorities just call up Harvey Price and tell him to come and get his mother. But this time it was an actual pink pussy. Oi! Kitty (Yes, that’s really her government name….I can’t either) was turned over to the RSPCA who immediately started to search for her owner. The RSPCA wanted to personally slap the trick who dyed her pussy pink.

Well, the pink pussy dyer has been found! 22-year-old mother of two Natasha Gregory came forward over the weekend to claim Oi! Kitty. Natasha said that she used food coloring to dye Oi! Kitty and doesn’t think it’s cruel. Natasha also said that pink is her favorite color, “After I turned her pink, I was like, ‘Oh, she matches my hair!” So basically, Natasha wanted the pussy to match the drapes.

And hopefully when someone Googles “pink pussy“, a picture of Oi! Kitty comes up. Bitch deserves that for all the foolery she’s been through.

If Teyana Taylor’s “Google Me” got brutally attacked in the froat by a rabies-infested blonde coyote with mange and was forced to get an artificial voice box installed, its first words would sound just like Kim Zolciak’s new “song” called “Google Me.” Nay Nay Semel is thisclose to filing a copyright infringement lawsuit, because Kim’s song is a “you dumb fuck” away from being her signature line!

Above is just a preview of the song, but I don’t need to hear the whole thing to know that Kim obviously snatched these lyrics from a 90s cheer squad at a high school whose literacy rate is below 10% (probably my high school).

This Benji the Hunted bitch needs to stop. Bitch’s song is way too broke for the Google name. More like, “AltaVista me“.

(Thanks to all who sent this mess in. My dog hates you now.)

The Mental Health Department’s answer to Bonnie & Clyde is still spreading the illegal crazy as though it’s their full-time job (actually, it probably is). Randy Quaid, who is giving me “FML face“, and his wife Evi, who is giving me 100% potent CRAZY, posed for these mug shots after they were arrested in Santa Barbara, CA yesterday for allegedly squatting inside of a house they used to own.

AP reports that when officers arrived, Randy and Evi put on their lying faces and claimed they purchased the house in the 90s and have owned it ever since. The rightful owner of the house then showed the officers paperwork proving that he bought the house in 2007 from a dude who brought it from the Quaids. That’s when the police popped the balloons, scratched the record and turned on the fluorescent, because the Quaids’ freeloading party had come to an end. They were arrested for felony residential burglary and unlawful entry. Since nothing makes the crazy in Evi’s eye twinkle like a full rap sheet, she was also charged with resisting arrest.

A contractor also alleges that $5,000 worth of damages to the house were caused by the Quaids. Cousin Eddie and his Bride of Crazystein are still sitting in jail today. Their bail has been set at $50,000 each.

Last September, Randy and Evi were busted for using a bunk credit card to pay a $10,000 bill at a fancy resort in Montecito, CA. They were put on three years probation.

You know Randy’s brother Dennis isn’t even trying to answer the phone today. This is some “pull the cord out” shit. But what I really want to know is, why isn’t Casey Affleck filming all of this bottom of the barrel insanity? Joaquin Phoenix needs to learn how it’s really done.

With that said, FREE COUSIN EDDIE (But transfer Evi to the nearest mental ward)!!!!!

Every time I see someone wearing CROCS (this is an illegal offense) or hear someone blasting a Ke$hit song from their car, I want to throw on a bobby hat and declare a CITIZEN’S ARREST! CITIZEN’S ARREST! So I’m totally jealous of the paparazzo who straight up dropped a citizen’s arrest on Russell Brand’s ass at LAX today. This is according to TMZ who has tape of that mess.

Russell and Katy Perry were going through LAX this afternoon when a pap did something to put fire on his taint. The pap must’ve told Russell that his hair doesn’t look as silky smooth as a unicorn’s mane in person, because he conjured up the glittery powers of Glamberace and went after that fucker. Russell threw fists and whooped that trick! But the pap had the most fun when he got pull a citizen’s arrest Russell.

The cops at LAX eventually took over and officially arrested Russell. They took him into custody and booked him for battery.

Here’s EXCLUSIVE video of Russell’s arrest:

I so have to do that at least once this weekend.

UPDATE: And now with pictures!

UPDATE II: Katy Perry Tweeted that Russell Brand was defending her honor: “If you cross the line & try an put a lens up my dress, my fiancé will do his job & protect me. #standbyyourman #don’tfuckwiththeBrands.”