On last night’s Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases, ABC gave the cosmos an inferiority complex when they announced the ALL-STAR CAST of their new reality shit show Skating with Bitches Who Are Slightly More Famous Than The Homeless Mooner At My Subway Stop (But Not Really)!

Every time a new “star” was revealed, it felt like someone just shoved an entire bottle of Simply Sleep up my culo (wink wink…zzzzzzz). But just when I was about to switch the channel to something more stimulating (aka Mah Boo 369me) to my parts, the following name sent a shot of adrenaline straight into my soul: SEAN “Should’ve Been Catwoman” YOUNG!!!!!

While I was busy putting Skating with the Stars on my Tivo’s menu, every pharmaceutical company and mental health organization was on the phone with ABC to buy premium ad space during this ice cold crazy disaster. Sean Young is crazier than a pack of Mel Gibsons and dignity stopped taking her calls decades ago, so this should be good. I’m going to call it right now, Sean Young is going to glide to victory! But I’m only saying that because I’m sure every weak bitch on this show is going to break their ass bones while Sean will only slightly break whatever is left of her sanity. YES!

Anyways, here’s the cast of lucky nobodies who will witness Sean’s theatrical insanity for themselves:

Rebecca Budig – Greenlee on All My Children
Bethenny Frankel – Reality star and maker of the worst cocktails ever
Vince Neil – Tish Cyrus’ next conquest
Brandon Smith – Disney star
Jonny Mosely – Olympic gold-medal

Seriously, this shit makes the cast of Fox’s Skating with Celebrities look like the list of presenters at the Oscars.

And this just in, USA Today says that the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir is going to be a judge. The glittery icing on the batshit crazy cake!

A spokesbitch for Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively and Penn Badgley (who looks like a Muppet-fied shaved Monchhichis to me) confirm to UsWeekly that the two pieces of unripe jicama ended their relationship back in September. Blake probably told her rep about this back then but bitch is always mumbling like she’s got narcolepsy of the jaw so he didn’t know what the hell she was talking about until now.

A source type tells Star Magazine that their break up had nothing to do with the blind items that suggest Blake is trying to pull Ben Affleck’s wedding ring off with her chocha, or the pictures of her licking on Ryan Gosling’s cream. No, the source says 23-year-old Blake is ready to start a family, but Penn wants to keep his life baby diarrhea-free for a while. The source went on to say, “Blake comes from a traditional Southern Baptist background, and she’s always had her eye on getting married and having lots of children. The pressure on him to settle down at such a young age finally reached the point where he realized he and Blake couldn’t get on the same page, timing-wise, about starting a family.”

Blake is in The Green Lantern and Penn was in fucking The Stepfather, so methinks this split has less to do with her wanting a baby in her arms and more with her wanting a piece with a Google ranking higher than hers. Famous dudes of Hollywood better submit their applications now, because spaces are filling up fast (SPOILER ALERT: You know Blake is going to end up with a trick like Shia LaDouche or Leonardo DiCatchaho. Bitch is predictable).

Don’t you remember when you were 17 and you were on stage at Don Hill’s in NYC flashing your censor bars at the crowd? Those were the days, right? Only it wasn’t NYC, it was California. And it wasn’t Don Hill’s, it was in the cheap ass bedroom my mom built in the garage while Gina G blasted on a boombox. And it wasn’t on stage, it was on top of a twin Ikea bed that was all sorts of wonky due to the half-broken wooden slats (I hate those slats). And it wasn’t for a crowd, it was for NOBODY!

What I’m getting at here is that I know that 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is the hardest and edgiest bitch in every game (seriously, she probably even curses during Monopoly), but can’t she wait a year to flash her duct-taped nipples. I mean, Chris Hansen is going to ask everyone to have a collective seat. Save that mess for the privacy of your own garage bedroom…while Gina G blasts from a boombox (the Gina G part is really important).

Here’s a few pictures of Taylor with the blood of a chicken she sacrificed (aka Wet ‘N Wild lipstick) smeared all over her eyes at a Paper Magazine party at Don Hill’s last night. FYI: Hollywood Life threw a censor bar over her chest, but apparently she was wearing pasties.

Shia LaBeouf has been in way too many Transformers movies, because the other day in DC he mistook a paparazzo’s camera for a Transformer and tried to slow that motherfucker down with cold coffee. No, but while taking a break from shooting scenes for Transformers 3: The Attack of Michael Bay’s Ego in DC, Shia tried to read a book called “Bad Boy: The Life and Politics of Lee Atwater” outside of a coffee shop. The camera clicks must have eaten at his nerves, because Shia performed a run-by coffee splash on one of the paps.

You don’t see it in this clip, but as soon as Shia’s coffee cup hit the pavement, Bette Midler dropped from the sky, grabbed that shit and chased LaLitterBug down before kissing his prostate with the cup. Bette Midler don’t play.

And the best part of this mess at the 0:45 mark when the pap says “HEY” at the Jasper Beardley-type shuffling across the street. You know pepaw hit the pap with his plastic bag.

The stage at the BET Awards was set on fire last night with pieces of charbroiled glitter when the legendary Antoine Dodson took to the stage looking like if Mushu from Mulan joined a TLC cover group as Chilli. Antoine slid and bounced to the song that has moved his family out of the projects while the audience licked that shit up. Even though Antoine was dressed like The Limited’s answer to Willow Smith, every strand on his head was as silky and smooth as the taint on a satin teddy bear. Seriously, when Antoine flips the waterfall to heaven on his head, a bed intruder gets castrated on a falling window.

Oh, and you can stop watching after the 0:30 second mark. Go dip your hair in a bowl of Skin-So-Soft instead, so you too can have a head full of raw cashmere like Antoine.

And why hasn’t Antoine teamed up with the “Backin Up” Lady for an international world tour yet? Run and tell that. No, seriously, run and tell him that because it needs to happen.

via Necole Bitchie

This singer just isn’t selling the way she used to. Her lifestyle hasn’t changed, though, so she is forced to come up with other ways to meet the gap in income. As most gigs just don’t pay that well, she has turned to the world’s oldest profession. She still has a famous name, so she has no trouble getting her price. If you’re interested, be prepared to shell out $20k. No, she doesn’t do the GFE or PSE. Oh, and you must wear protection. So, sleazy but safe. (Blind Gossip)

CHARO!!! Now will somebody please give me $20,000 so that I can order the CCE (“Cuchi Cuchi Experience“). Oh, and the CCE consists of Charo double fisting the air in front of her chichis while shouting out “Cuchi Cuchi!!!” over and over again. Yes, a fully loaded Kia or the CCE experience? Easy choice.

Okay, my real guesses are: Toni Braxton or Courtney Love (just drop the “k” in 20k and this makes sense)?

This former just about A list television star from a massive hit show is now a struggling C lister. While doing some press for his latest project he met a woman, they had sex and he caught crabs. He tried to tell his wife they were bed bugs. (CDAN)

Yes, because bed bugs also look like they belong on a Red Lobster menu or in the cast of The Little Mermaid. I only know this because of Google Images, of course!

My guesses are: Don Johnson? Ted Danson? Tom Selleck? Kirk Cameron (please please please let it be him)? Paul Reiser? Eric McCormack?

This C+ list actor on a hit television show is cheating on his significant other with his television daughter. (CDAN)

Rob Estes & Shenae Grimes from 90210 (is that shit a hit?)? Or Ty Burrell and Sarah Hyland from Modern Family?

This one involves a Real Housewife. Kind of. Yeah, that is the big clue. Anyway, this Housewife is working feverishly to try and steal away the girlfriend of Kim Z from RHATL. Apparently our unnamed Housewife thinks it will be great publicity and she does not mind being portrayed as a bisexual if she can make a few bucks off it. Oh, and it is no one in Atlanta or Orange County. (CDAN)

Danielle “Prostitution Whore-ah” Staub, formerly one of Real Housewives of New Jersey? Kim better secure her wig tight, put on all her fightin’ joo ree and handle this.