The Pregnant Dude pushed out another one! – Just Jared

Kristen Stewart as Butch White – Lainey Gossip

It’s almost fittingly artistic the way it looks like a car wash scrubby curtain is wiping against Kim Kardashian’s chocha – The Superficial

Gay Glee Homewrecker Alert! – Towleroad

I’m sure the Northern Irish farmer put RiRi’s “$20 for a blow, $50 for a lay” look together for her – Hollywood Tuna

The Lone Ranger has been pulled out of its coffin and will ride again – Sindication

Well, at least Uniboob Lady can get a role in the Total Recall remake – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The clearance bin Cindy Crawford got dumped again – Celebitchy

Gaycrest must’ve borrowed Tommy Girl’s lifts and Julianne Hough borrowed Katie Holmes’ slouch – Popsugar

This sad shit is not what I had in mind when I Googled “dude getting a hummer” – The Daily What

Ann Jillian is looking hot – Popoholic

Chewbacca and Jar Jar Binks found love in a hopeless place – ICYDK

A whole lot of JTT – The Berry

Tammy Lynn Michaels now has a perfect place to put the box of dildos Melissa Etheridge accidentally had delivered to her house – I’m Not Obsessed

Amber Rose still exists – Hollywood Rag

BABIES!!!!, here’s one with Alyssa Milano – SOW

Stacy Keibler reminds us all that she’s still humping on George Clooney by going to his premiere – Moe Jackson

ASSPEE Simpson – Cityrag

The most famous cross-eyed opossum in the world and former Hot Slut, Heidi, has closed her googly sticker eyes for the last time and floated off to the great big knocked over trash can in the sky at the way-too-young age of three and a half. The sores on my heart have not yet healed over Knut tragically earning a place in Oscar’s In Memoriam montage (they better not forget) and now Heidi?! QUICK. Form two prayer circles around Frankenlouie!

The director of Germany’s Leipzig Zoo delivered the sad news to Spiegel this morning. The zoo said that cross-eyed Heidi suffered from arthritis and other disorders brought on by the olds. (Mammal lesson: Possums usually don’t live past the age of 4.) They didn’t want Heidi to suffer anymore so they put her to sleep.

Ruhe in frieden (shit accent caused by Google Translate), Heidi. Your cross-eyed legacy will forever live on the face of Vienna Sausage.

By the looks of that picture, Scott Disick must be a grower (with the help of a Brooks Brothers penis pump, a peen extender, three layers of dick padding and an injection of Khloe Hormones) and not a shower. Scott Disick (as always, the “s” is silent) is a big walking penis with a side urethra that spits out verbal piss on the regular, but the Kardashian Klan is also trying to make us believe that deep in his Ralph Lauren trousers is a monster that can beat Khloe Kardashian in an arm wrestling competition for the last large pizza on the eatin’ table.

xoJane.com (via UsWeekly) brought up the dick size situation of the newest Kardashian prisoner and Pimp Mama Kris’ whores quickly changed the focus and instead talked about how Scott Disick’s dick is the most useful thing in the family since it can catch peanuts and juggle apples.

Jane: We’re getting the hook — they’re telling us we’re out of time! Okay, wait — is Kris [Humpries] well endowed? They all think he is.

Kourtney: I would think he is.

Kim: (decidedly not feeling us) I don’t really like questions like that.

Khloe: We got all of the preview of Scott at his parents’.

Kim: Even today. Honestly, it’s way too much. He has to start wearing some tighty-whities.

Khloe: He was wearing pajama pants and no undies and you could see it all.

Kim: So inappropriate.

Kourtney: It’s like an elephant’s trunk.

Kim: You guys!

Khloe: He kept going, “I’m trying to compete with Lamar” and I was like “Oh, stop it, you two.”

Kourtney: I just got a Google alert, because Scott and I just had our date night.

Kim: You have your own Google alerts? We have that on record: Kourtney has her own Google alerts and checks them.

Kourtney: We went on a date night in the Meatpacking last night, so the story said, “The Meatpacking District isn’t the only thing packing meat!” Scott was wearing a suit with no underwear last night, so you could see, like, something.

Kim: What?! Like, that’s NOT normal. We have got to by him some underwear for his birthday or something. This is freaking me out.

Kourtney: He never has any!

Kourtney is about the size of a Snooki, so any dick would look Khloe-sized next to her. That settles that. But why is Kim giggling at the mention of the word p-e-n-i-s. Ho, please. I hate it when whores don’t remember where they came from. Kim needs to stop acting like if Scott dropped chocolate sauce on his crotch, she wouldn’t snap for a camera crew and command her pussy to assume the lock jaw position.

Phoebe Price (Forever 21!!!!)
Google (13)
Avril Lavigne (27)
Anna Camp (29)
Lil Wayne (29)
Gwyneth Paltrow (39)
Amanda Detmer (40)
Patrick Muldoon (43)
Alexis Stewart (46)
Stephan Jenkins (47)
Andy Lau (50)
Shaun Cassidy (53)
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (61)
A Martinez (63)
Liz Torres (64)
Meat Loaf (64)
Don Cornelius (75)
Wilford Brimley (77)
Jayne Meadows (91)

Listening to your own mom go into detail about her yeast infection situation is slightly less uncomfortable than exposing your sense of hearing to the overly forced soft-core Spice Channel ludicrousness that slithers off of 17-year-old Courtney Stodden’s lizard tongue when talking about how she lost her virginity on her wedding night at the #1 honeymoon destination in the country: Chateau Marmont in fucking Hollywood.

The plastic velociraptor who was brought to life using Rhonda Shear’s DNA tells Radar that as soon as her 51-year-old husband Doug Hutchison plucked her precious blossom (may the FBI break down my front door and put me out of my misery for that one), her body went on a 24-hour-long orgasm coaster. It’s a damn shame that The Red Shoe Diaries isn’t around anymore, because this ho would’ve been their head writer.

“We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience. I was aroused for 24 hours straight.”

Courtney was a 16-year-old virgin in the vagina at the time and Doug has a face like a 3-day old bacon cheddar ball warmed up in an Easy Bake Oven, so she’s probably confusing “nauseous” with “aroused.” Speaking of the heaves, Courtney said that if she ever went to college she’d study her husband’s body:

“I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun.”

I don’t even really know what that means and I don’t think this bitch does either. Courtney then said that Doug is like Hazel to her Missy.

“He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, he’s like the wife around the house. He picks up the slack around the house and that’s very inspiring to me.”

“That’s very inspiring”?! It’s like everything that comes out of Courtney’s mouth was Mandarin translated into English translated into Cantonese translated back into English on Google Translator. Courtney’s entire vocabulary consists of all the words found in Viagra spam.

And just because Doug’s face looks like a rode hard vagina molded out of Play-Doh doesn’t mean he’s been near an actual vagina.

If you need to see the video of this mess of an interview, click here and proceed with caution. That shit should be shown in every child beauty pageant dressing room with a note underneath it that reads: WARNING – This is your future.

And no, I can’t look away either.

I didn’t spend one minute with the premiere of Hobo Yanni on Two and a Half Men or Comedy Central’s Annual Douche Barbecue, because if I want to slowly torture all of my senses, then rainbow sequins and satin-slathered crotch bulges must be involved (see: Dancing with the Sores). But Charlie could give three tiger clits and a warlock dick (Side note: Googling “warlock dick” taught me is the name of the man who played psychotic human killer Michael Meyers. There has to be a connection there somewhere.) that some of us didn’t watch the pimples on his ass lips get flambéed by comics and Steve-O. Charlie don’t care, because he’s too busy drawing up blueprints for his planned tunnel to Colombia with rest stops at the finest underground whore houses in Mexico and South America.

TMZ reports that Charlie and Warner Bros. have settled their fight over the warlock cock bag getting kicked off of Two and a Half Men. WB will cut Charlie a $25 million check in a couple of weeks for work he has already done on the show. On top of that, Charlie will get around $100 million over the next 10 years for syndication profits. If you were drawing yourself as a She-Ra character on your paper bag book cover during math class and missed the whole “adding and subtracting” part like I did, then let me do the calculator work for you and tell you Charlie is going to get at least $125 million for this shit.

The thing that hurts me in the soul most about this news is that it brought back the hash tag from hell #WINNING. The good news is that this new mountain of cash will keep Charlie busy while keeping the bad shit and porn pussy peddling trades alive. And if that doesn’t keep Charlie busy, then somebody please tell him that it looks like he has a pair of hair tits on his head. Trying to motorboat his hair will keep Charlie from leaving the house for the next few weeks.