Every floret on every dandelion in every part of the world has shriveled, died and fallen to the ground, much like the pieces of my heart that still felt things. One of my favorite royals, if not my favorite royal (sorry, Prince Hot Ginge), the Duchess of Alba, has salsa danced up to Heaven and is now holding court as the Queen of the Angels. She was 88.
Throw a black lace veil over the sun, because the Duchess of Alba died in Sevilla this morning after suffering through pneumonia. I know that when an 88-year-old person gets pneumonia, it’s a bad, bad thing. But when her doctors told the media on Monday that she was doing better and recovering, I really thought she was going to make it out of the hospital and go on to outlive her current husband, her next husband and the husband after that. I thought she was going to outlive us all! Juan Ignacio Zoido, the Mayor of Sevilla, told the press this morning that the Duchess of Alba died at her palace.
The Duchess of Alba is survived by her husband Alfonso Diez, her six children, her nine grandchildren and her three great-grandchildren.
I’ve been reading all of her obits this morning and I already knew that she’s in the Guinness Book of Records for being the world’s most titled person and could buy us all with her fortune and didn’t have to kneel in front of the pope and had a full name that was almost as big as her spirit. But I didn’t know that she turned down being Picasso’s muse. She also caused ESCANDALONESS in 1978 when she married a defrocked Jesuit priest. And as everyone knows, she caused ESCANDALONESS again in 2011 when she married her current husband, 64-year-old civil servant Alfonso Diez, even though all of her children and King Juan Carlos didn’t co-sign the marriage. She gave up her billions to marry him. She divided her fortune between her kids to shut their mouths up. She was a Don’t Give A Fuck vanguard and a true rebel royal.
I know shit about American politics, so I sure as hell know less than shit about UK politics. But if I was a citizen of Scotland, I would’ve voted YES YES YES and made everyone else vote YES YES YES to divorcing the UK. Because if Scotland succeeded from the UK, the Duchess of Alba might have become the Queen of Scotland. She would’ve been the greatest queen ever and would’ve spread her give no fucks philosophy to her people.
Rest in peace, María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay. You made me happy. You will be forever missed.
Human ray of sunshine Richard Simmons is suffering from the sads and a busted knee, and now the royal dandelion sent from heaven, the Duchess of Alba, is in the hospital. The universe is a bastard and is dimming everything that is beautiful and special in this ugly world.
The Olive Press says that the Duchess of Alba (full name: Excma. Sr.ª D.ª María del Rosario Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva, 18th Duchess of Alba de Tormes, Grandee of Spain) checked into a hospital in Sevilla on Sunday night. The 88-year-old royal jewel who has a million more titles than that peasant Dame St. Angie Jolie lives in Sevilla in one of her many opulent palaces. The Duchess of Alba’s rep says that she’s got pneumonia and even though she’s in a bad way, she’s slowly getting a little better.
“She had suffered a stomach virus a few days earlier but had recovered from it. Now she has pneumonia. At her age, one thing leads to another. She is weak. We are worried because we love her very much.”
The Duchess of Alba’s 64-year-old husband Alfonso Diez has been with her at the hospital.
Ugh, pneumonia. Pneumonia needs to fuck itself with its silent p. How dare it mess with the Duchess of Alba. If only pneumonia was a human peasant, the Duchess of Alba could use her power and 500 titles to send it to the gallows where it belongs. Well, here’s hoping that the Duchess of Alba and Richard Simmons get better and give the rainbows a reason to come out again by salsa dancing in the middle of a square in Sevilla.
521 years ago today, Christopher Columbus, the last person on Earth to discover America, stole the Americas from its native people and if I remember correctly from world history class, he did it because he wanted to win the heart of the most gorgeous woman in the world, the Duchess of Alba (who was 23 at the time). Columbus gave the Americas to the Duchess of Alba as a gift, but she waved that shit away and told him to fuck off, because she doesn’t accept stolen merchandise. That’s how the story went.
And here she is 521 years later looking more stunning and gorgeous than ever. The Duchess of Alba and her boy toy husband Alfonso Diez were guests at the wedding of Maria Colonques, the daughter of a Spanish ceramics mogul, in Villarreal. You might think it’s ridiculous and Kardashian-like to have a red carpet at a wedding, but that red carpet wasn’t for the bride. It was for Duchess of Alba’s entrance. As soon as the Duchess of Alba waved at her subjects, took their breath away with her majestic dandelion beauty (see: the woman on the left) and sashayed into the church, the red carpet was rolled up and the bride had to wobble on in on the pavement.
Here’s more of the Duchess of Alba looking like a stunning Death Eater who disguised herself as fashion professor at Hogwarts to get into the Yule Ball. And soon, landfills all over the world will be filled with millions upon millions of sawed-off heels, because everybody’s going to cut the heels off of their shoes once they see that the Duchess of Alba is wearing flats.
My soul (and other parts) melted into a puddle of sadness yesterday when Starz announced that they were pulling the curtain over the hot half-naked bodies on Magic City, but nothing can bring me back up like the sight of the ageless Spanish dandelion royale, the Duchess of Alba, cleansing the sea in Ibiza with her beauty.
With the help of her two ladies-in-waiting (the Karen and Gretchen to her Regina George), the head of the House of Alba (don’t even bring MiserAlba into this) worked two piece after two piece during a girls-only vacation in Ibiza, Spain over the weekend. When Duchess Kate’s basic ass wears something out in public, it sells out in a quick second. When Spain’s most treasured Slytherin pearl wears something out in public, it doesn’t sell out, because it’s not available to the regulars since it is one of a kind. Those pink glasses were custom-made from the finest vintage plastic from the 80s. That’s how a true lady of the crown does it.
And you might’ve seen this on CNN, but the sea off of Ibiza is almost dry now. Because as soon as the Duchess of Alba took a dip in it, everyone started drinking that sea water to get her sparkling essence inside of them. The Duchess of Alba can turn an entire ocean into a fountain of beauty just by dipping the tip of her toe in it.
At the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy this morning, workers took down Botticelli’s Birth of Venus and replaced it with this set of La Duquesa de Alba in a bikini pictures, because this is some real art that will splash your eyes with salty exquisiteness and diamond-dusted glamour. Venus had a good run, but the bitch is dusty and now it’s time to pay homage to a fresh new modern day goddess of the sea.
The Daily Mail burned the tips of my eyelashes last week when they published a glorious gallery of pictures of the 86-year-old klingon dandelion the Duchess of Alba making bitches bow down in the sand at a beach in Formentera, Spain. Well, since yesterday was a holy day, the Duchess of Alba was back at the beach and with the help of her lady-in-waiting and her 61-year-old man toy of a husband, she cleansed the ocean water with the drops of holy nectar that seep out of her pores. Or she cleansed it by peeing. Either or.
The olds of my family are always saying shit like, “Getting old sucks.” I don’t know what they’re crying about. Getting old is the best. You can curse out a kid and get away with it. And as these pictures prove, you can put on a two-piece and any hate thrown at you by younger bitches will have zero effect on you. Because any fucks you had left in your being, were humped out of your body earlier in the day by your 61-year-old hot piece.
The last time Tommy Girl found himself coughing on the crystal dust that wafts from the threads of crushed diamonds on the Duchess of Alba’s glorious head, he failed to properly pay his respects to her by curtsying in front of her. It looks like the dumb bitch didn’t learn from his mistakes, because here he is with her and her new husband at the Spanish premiere of Mission Impossible: Ghosts Be Protocoling in Madrid, and I couldn’t find one picture of him bowing to her like he should be. You can tell the Duchess is not one ounce of amused over this. It’s a good thing I’m completely fluent in Spanish bitchfaces and know exactly what the Duchess is saying with her face. She is clearly saying, “Do I need to pull out a cock out of my coat in order for you to get on your knees, you silly little bitch? Pay homage, honey. HOMAGE!”
The next time Tommy is gazing his eyes at the Klingon Baby Jane, he better hit the floor like his knees have anuses on them and the carpet is covered with peens. If he doesn’t, the Spanish Armada will drag him away and throw him into a cell with a bunch of sweaty Spanish men for the rest of his days. Actually, that’s probably the reason why he’s committing the ultimate act of disrespect against the Duchess. Carry on, Tommy, carry on.
And here’s more of Tommy, the most beautiful dandelion in the Spanish garden, Simon Pegg and Paula Patton at last night’s premiere.