Mila Kunis let out a capital N-O over a week ago after the rumor started that she had an all-naked That ’70s Show reunion with Ashton Kutcher. Mila said the same shit you say when your friend accuses you of scooting your goods all over the town douche: We’re just friends! We just drink tea together. Well, People says that over the weekend, Mila and Ashton spent three days together in Carpinteria, CA. During the three days, they ate sushi, bought flowers and had coffee, so yeah they’re totally bumping nipples. Some source close to Ashton tells People that he has always farted hearts out of his eyes for Mila:

“He was so in love with her for a while when they worked together. He thought she was a goddess, was always talking about how beautiful she is. But she was with Macaulay [Culkin] for a lot of that time and also just generally gave off a not interested vibe. It never happened, but I’m not surprised by this – at all.”

Ashton Kutcher is a certified asshole, but he’s hot on the outside, so I totally understand that Mila wants to ride that shit until her poon lips fall off, but she needs to keep denying. Just deny, deny, deny away no matter what the media asks.

Media: Are you dating Ashton Kutcher?
Mila: No, we’re just friends. This best friends forever half-heart pendant is from him and he’s wearing the other half. Fuck buddies do not give each other BFF half-heart pendants. That’s gross.

Media: Then why does your breath smell like a clean pussy?
Mila: Because I gargle with Massengill. If it’s good enough for my vagina, it’s good enough for my mouth.

Media: But we have these pictures of you with Ashton’s peen in your mouth.
Mila: Talk about getting blown (no pun intended) out of proportion! We were having a sleepover and I forgot to bring my toothbrush. As a good friend, Ashton knows how much I care about dental hygiene, so he put Crest on his peen and let me brush my teeth with it. Do you expect me to use his toothbrush? Gross again!

Seriously, if you don’t admit it, it didn’t happen! And here’s a few pictures from last week of Ashton trolling around NYC with a lady who isn’t Mila Kunis. I’m only posing these stupid pictures, because Ashton’s sweater looks like one of those delicious neopolitan candies.

The sad news is that when I Googled “Barnabas Collins” 90% of the pictures that came up had Johnny Depp’s face on them. The sadder news is that Jonathan Frid, who was the original Barnabas Collins on Dark Shadows from 1967-1971, passed away in Canada at the age of 87. USA Today says that Jonathan died from natural causes on Friday the 13th. After reading that he died on Friday the 13th, I expected a flash of lightning followed by a shadow on the wall in front of me of Jonathan rising from the dead. It didn’t happen.

Jonathan joined Dark Shadows during the second season and Barnabas was only supposed to stay around for a handful of episodes, but he became a regular after audiences ate him up. After Dark Shadows ended, Jonathan did a few movies, television shows and plays before retiring in Canada.

Before you say, “Well, on a positive note, at least he won’t be here to hiss at the mangled carcass of Dark Shadows butchered by Tim Burton”, Jonathan shot a cameo for the movie last year. Let’s hope that mess doesn’t even make it to the dollar theaters in heaven.

Point A on the Google map above is the Stella McCartney store in West Hollywood and if you drag your eyes all the way across the street, stop to drop some water in them, drag them more, stop to wipe off the peon breath with a Chanel baby wipe and keep going, you’ll eventually land on point B, Madeo’s in West Hollywood. I know, can you believe they’re in the same city?!!!!!. (Your eyeballs might need to catch a few breaths after going on that long journey, so take all the time you need before moving on.) If we can barely make that Lawrence of Arabia-like trek with our eyes, how can anyone expect cuntress of her own universe, Fishsticks Paltrow, to make that same journey in real life and on foot?! We shouldn’t and that’s why I do not appreciate this story from Page Six.

After the party for Paul McCartney’s new video, a bunch of guests including Miranda Kerr, Jane Fonda, Orlando Bloom and Amy Smart walked 0.06 miles to have dinner together at Madeo’s. As those suckers walked on the dirty sidewalk, Fishy and her asshole husband Chris Martin were chauffeured there in a Lincoln Town Car. Apparently, the car ride took all of 10 seconds.

Page Six thinks this is funny, because Fishy tries to be some kind of environmentalist and has done green public service announcements in the past. To which I say, um, Fishy does care about the environment. She protected the environment in the bubble that surrounds her and that’s honestly the only environment we should care about.

Do you know what could’ve happened if Fishy went on the 3 minute-long walk all the way to Madeo’s? She could’ve walked by a poor eating McDonald’s. What if the poor coughed and she accidentally inhaled its McDonald’s-infused breath? She would’ve had to go on a cleanse for at least 389 days to get the toxic-ness out of her pure system? Sure, her slaves could’ve carried her on a Versace throne, but what if a non-organic leaf from a non-organic tree brushed her face? Think of all the crushed diamond facials she would have to go through to get her face skin back to its pristine state? And Fishy can’t set foot on a public sidewalk unless it’s been power washed with Voss.

So really, Fishy did do her part for our (not her) environment. Think of all the diamonds and glass Voss bottles that were spared from her taking that ride in a Town Car. Speaking of, she took a TOWN CAR! Do they even make those in Europe? I swear, what more do you monsters want from this woman?

Bitches are just jealous because her carbon footprint was made with a Louboutin. Stay hating, poor whores. Stay. Hating.

Seen here making the “giving two handjobs to two men on stilts” pose, OctoMom has swore on her arch-less minus sign brows that she’d do almost anything for money, but one thing she will never do for a check is rub her c-section scar on another naked human being. Howard Stern called into the whatcomesafterz-lister chat line, Dial-A-Star, and paid the $14 a minute rate to have phone sex with Octo. Click here if you need to hear that today, but if you’d much rather assault your eyes than assault your ears with Octo’s “toddler after taking its first hit of meth” voice, I’ve transcribed it below:

HS: How you doing, honey?

OM: (giggles)

HS: Why can’t you just chill a little bit?

OM: IknowImsohighstrungIthinkpeoplekingofgetoffonthatbutthen..

HS: I bet you’re a good kisser.

OM: EWWW! Idontknowitsgotcobwebsdownthererambleramble-

HS: I’m picturing my cock in your mouth to shut you up.

OM: I got icicles everywhere. Everywhere. Soyoudjustrambleramble-

HS: It doesn’t matter. I’m trying to have phone sex with you.

OM: It doesn’t matter iciclesrambleramble-

HS: Why don’t you grab one of those diapers and shove it in your bleep hole-

OM: ramblerambleramblerambleramrambleramble

Then, Gina, the madam of the Dial-A-Star, told Howard that she’s trying to convince Octo to accept pornier offers including tapping her exit only baby chute on camera. Howard asked Octo about doing solo porn and she said that she’s thinking about it:

“I don’t know yet. I’d have to really reflect on that. It depends on how much I’m offered.

The only thing I’ll never do is give my body to another for money. That’s one thing I’ll never do…I don’t want them to have any resentment 20 years from now.”

Oh, Octo doesn’t have to worry about her child army resenting her for doing porn. They’re going to resent her either way. They can’t even spell “resentment” and they already know they resent her crazy ass. You know who I resent? Howard Stern. I resent him for putting the image of a diaper dildo in my head. I also resent myself, because while typing that headline, I was a few keystrokes away from accidentally typing “pap smear porn” instead. Even I can’t Google that last one… (Okay, I just did and why am I not surprised that Vanessa Hudgens came up as the second picture?)

Even Zac Efron has “Zac Efron’s naked ass cheeks” on his Google Alerts, because three seconds after his Hostess bottom cakes went viral, the most beautiful man princess in the land closed the terry cloth curtain and is not about to give us an encore. Now Zac Efron can prance around with his twinkly b-hole out without having to worry about paps with zoom lenses taking his picture for all us disgusting, moral-less piece of trash pervs to see. HOW SELFISH OF HIM! Oh well, at least we’ll always have (NSFW) this Photoshopped picture of Zac Efron wearing Not Zac Efron’s dick.

If they were on a singing competition show, you would call them a Male Vocal Group. We prefer the term Boy Band. The group’s image determines their commercial success, and each member of the group is assigned a particular stereotype (such as The Bad Boy or The Baby or The Nice One) so that the band will have the widest possible appeal.

There is a Boy Band consisting of beautiful young men that currently has young girls across the country screaming with admiration and desire. Their public image is wholesome. However, there’s a lot going on behind the scenes that belies that image.

For example, there’s one member of the group whose moniker could be The Gay One. That’s right. Your teen daughter may be swooning right now over someone who isn’t even interested in her gender.

Oh, and there’s another member of the group who wouldn’t be interested in your daughter. His moniker could be… The Other Gay One.

Yes, that’s right, two gay young men in one popular group. (Although one does have a beard to maintain that desirable image). And here’s the most interesting part of all: the two boys are sleeping with each other.

Don’t tell your teen daughter. You don’t want her up all night crying because her mean parent destroyed her illusion. Besides, you eventually got over The Osmonds/ Menudo/ The Backstreet Boys, didn’t you? (Blind Gossip)

The only thing keeping One Direction from reaching New Kids level of craziness is a “gallon of jizz pumped from stomach” rumor and it looks like we’re getting one load closer to that. I’ll say that this blind item is specifically talking about the one with hair like a beautiful 20s flapper girl and his best brofriend whose name I’m too lazy to Google. Oh fuckit, I’ll just let this picture do the guessing for me.

Which D-list actor shocked a roomful of strangers when he announced he had to have his hemorrhoids surgically removed? The 30-something star, who’s more famous for his quickie marriage to a D-list TV actress and being the son of a Hollywood playboy, didn’t get the reaction he was looking for because no one recognized him! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Ashley Hamilton, but was he married to somebody else besides Brenda Walsh, because I know a bitch isn’t stamping her with the D-list label.

These two costars from a hit network television are both closeted, but very much in love. They have not acted on their feelings, but spend all of their time together. Last week, one star told the other he was willing to risk everything to come out together as a couple. As a result of this confession, the other star has broken off the relationship and refuses to acknowledge or spend any more time with the man he is in love with. Both men are heartbroken. (BuzzFoto)

Adam Levine and Blake Shelton, obviously.