There have been many false reports about this actress in the past… but this time she really is pregnant!

She is not married to her Significant Other – and we are assuming that he is the baby’s father – so the couple will need to make a decision in the next few weeks. Since she is over the age of 30 and loves children, her friends believe that she will opt to keep the baby. We have heard that her S.O. is not especially eager to get married, so she may be going the single-parent route for now.

She is only approximately five weeks along, so there is nothing to see yet. But, with summer right around the corner, it will be difficult our actress to cover up the pregnancy once she does start showing. Given how slim she is, we expect that you’ll start to see a bump sooner rather than later, perhaps as early as the middle of June. Oh, and although it is too early to know the gender of the baby either, we predict that the couple will opt for a European-sounding name. (Blind Gossip)

This is obviously about Jennifer Aniston since every other damn week a different tabloid says a fetus has checked into her baby-growing bag, but why would she go with a European-sounding name? Because Jennifer is Greek and Justin Theroux’s name is French. (Note: I’m pretty sure Theroux in French means “throw up.” I think.) Yeah, so that part I don’t get. Because Jennifer is obviously going to name her maybe baby F.U. Maddox and that doesn’t sound very European to me. Unless she goes with F. Eux Maddox…..

Which straight male actor recently made a pass at a very straight male artist by putting his hand on his knee and inviting him to a European gay bar? (Page Six)

When I Googled “totally straight musician,” Dave Grohl’s face was number one and when I Googled “straight male actor,“ Ryan Phillippe was in the first row. So I’ll throw Dave Grohl and Ryan Phillippe’s names into the guess box even though this is probably about James Franco and James Franco since he’s an actor AND an artist.

Which star, currently in the news, must have such a high opinion of himself that he needs to massage his ego quite frequently? He was, for quite some time, having sex with someone who worked professionally as his own lookalike. (Some of his more casual hook-ups too are said to have more than a passing resemblance.) (Popbitch)

It’s a known fact (it’s not a known fact at all) that James Franco’s Real Doll is covered with Mylar so he can see his own reflection while humping it, but every clue in this blind item points to John Travolta. Having just watched two elephant seals viciously fight each other in an episode of Frozen Planet, I feel like I totally know what it looks like when John Travolta and his impersonator go to Fucktown together.

In the past week, all the NFL teams had mini-camps, but the biggest talk among the players on one team was not about their new teams or the upcoming season, but what is being called the greatest celebrity sex tape ever. Apparently this former A+ list Tweener not named Miley or one of the Cheetah Girls made a sex tape with this newly drafted NFL player. The player who went to school in California was talking about how he had dated this Tweener and someone said prove it and out comes a full 15 minute video on his iPad. The next thing you know every player was gathered around this iPad and there was almost complete silence for the full 15 minutes. Afterwards, the noise was deafening and players begged to watch it again. For the entire mini-camp all anyone could talk about was the sex tape and what exactly goes on during it. (CDAN

Demi Lovato and a dude named Chad since 9 out of 10 football players are named Chad.

If it’s morning time for you and you haven’t yet drugged up your senses with your upper of choice, go ahead and cut a hole on top of your head and pour it directly in before witnesses the talents of Takeo Ischi, a Japanese born yodelermeister. Today, the definition of the WTF is Takeo burping out an auto-tuned chicken yodel while dancing around in lederhosen. No, you’re not high enough to completely process this shit:

The hills are HIGH with the sound of this.

But seriously, if RiRi and Taylor Swift can make millions of dollars from making music that sounds like a robot farm animal getting strangled, why can’t Takeo Ischi? You know you’re witnessing something special when even the chickens are making faces like, “Cluck this shit!” 

via Arbroath

Disclaimer: Dlisted is not giving this orange-glazed roasted beauty the Hot Slut title for the felony crimes she allegedly committed against her 5-year-old daughter. Dlisted does not condone putting your 5-year-old daughter in a stand-up tanning bed. IN THIS ECONOMY, you should not waste a tanning salon session on a 5-year-old. Their skin will burn, you’ll end up in jail and all the money you spend on your bail could’ve been spent on like 200 skin baking sessions for yourself. If you want your 5-year-old’s skin to be the same color (shade: melanoma leather) as you, just spray them down with orange house paint from Home Depot or slather them with those magical tan towels from HSN, which I almost bought last night. HSN + guzzling down 4 snack cups of 60 calorie chocolate pudding = the loss of all self control.

44-year-old Patricia Krentcil, who hails from the Florida of the Northeast New Jersey, found her chicken fried wrists in handcuffs for allegedly committing second-degree child abuse by putting her daughter in a tanning booth. Her daughter’s kindergarten teacher overhead the girl bragging to her friends that her mommy took her tanning. When the kindergarten teacher inspected the girl’s skin, she found a few sunburns. The police were called and Patricia was charged with felony child endangerment since it’s against the law to put a kid under the age of 14 in a tanning booth. Patricia was released on $25,000 bail and will face a judge sometime today. But Patricia told NBC New York that it’s all a misunderstanding. Patricia did take her daughter to the tanning salon, but the little girl was never exposed to the UV lights. Patricia says that her daughter got a little sunburnt while playing in the yard over the weekend. If you’ve ever wanted to know what it would look like if Magda’s clit was able to speak words, watch Patricia defend herself in the interview below. WARNING: Watching this will fill you with the desire to eat pork rinds on a plate made of water-damaged leather. It might also expose your skin to UV rays, so I’d slather SPF 3000 on your monitor just in case.

My skin shriveled in fear and it’s now three shades darker thanks to watching George Hamilton’s skin idol in motion. When I licked my finger and put it on my monitor, I heard a sizzle sound. I bet even Patricia’s piss is brown. You could use it as self-tanner!

I do not agree with Patricia’s parenting skills, but I do agree with her choice to shop for lip liner in the black marker section of Rite-Aid. Sharpie lip liner is always the look. Wait. Or maybe that’s not lip liner. Maybe Patricia’s jerkyfied herself in a tanning booth so much that the edges of her lips burnt. Well, I have always said that the best part of an overbaked lasagna is its crispy, burnt edges.

And it goes without saying, but this is the future of Snooki’s unborn baby.

(Thanks, Marnie!)

The pair of man nalgas that buttbombed Bryce Harper’s first Major League Baseball hit at the Nationals vs. Dodgers game. According to the 5 seconds of research I did by scanning headlines on Google, 19-year-old Bryce Harper is the hottest fresh meat on the baseball stroll, or some shit, and he hit the ball at a game over the weekend, which I guess is a big deal. But in 50 years when Bryce is inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame and they show a clip from his first hit, the only thing people will stare at is the glorious moon rising above home base. Let’s go to the money shot:

One headline said that this buttbomb tainted Bryce Harper’s big debut, but dude would’ve hand to bend over a little farther to really taint this shit. And today’s Hot Slut runner-up goes to the chicken mohawk mullet on Bryce’s head. I don’t know how that happened to his head, but I’m glad it did.

via Deadspin

Some of you might need to cleanse your eyeballs of the extra chunky skankness left by Kim and Kanye, so open your eyes wide and let them feel the breath of fresh sophistication wafting off of “fitness expert” and “lifestyle consultant” Jennifer Nicole Lee (Google her, you dumb fuck!). Jennifer isn’t only a beacon of refinement, she’s also a fashion designer and she’s the one who created that elegant dress which perfectly frames her Louvre-worthy tramp stamp.

“Jennifer Nicole Lee whored wore it better” is what you’re going to say to yourself later tonight when you see pictures of Lindsay Lohan wearing this same dress backwards (with American flag pasties over her freckled nipple knobs) at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.  

You know your daytime dress is elegance personified when you can easily slip out of it just by rolling your shoulders forward. And I can’t with you if you mistook Dlisted’s newest Aphrodite for JLo. JLo could never bring it like this.

Long before Angelina Jolie’s name became the first shit to pop up after doing a Google search for “Angelina,” there was an Angelina with some true talent, natural glamour, sweet moves and spot-on beauty instincts (see: the stunning mane of ebony and gold locks spilling out of her head). Angelina (no last name necessary) was a freestyle superstar from the 90s whose album (THE album) took my family reunions my storm. Slap the Angelina CD into the player and you can guarantee that my cousin will jump up on a backyard bench and treat it like her own personal go-go box. Sometimes we’d go into one of the bedrooms, make it dark by putting foil over the windows and dance to that shit while one of us flicked the light switch on an off (aka a ghetto strobe light). We were way too old to be acting like that, but that’s the kind of effect Angelina has on a ho. Make the room dark, flick the lights on and off, and get into this:

Take note: A true superstar lead singer never EVER wastes energy on doing the dance moves full out (that’s what the background hos are for) and the Matrix business woman suit is something everyone needs in their closet.