Thomas Kinkade, the most prolific artist of this generation whose work was so coveted that most roadside motels had to nail it to the wall to keep people from stealing it, has walked toward the light he painted. Thomas Kinkade is now teaching a master class in art next to Bob Ross at the great big Learning Annex in heaven after he died of natural causes at the young age of 54 yesterday. A spokesperson for the Kinkade family tells the Associated Press that Thomas passed away at his home in Los Gatos, CA.

The self-described “warrior of light” is the most collected artist in the US and it’s been reported that 1 in 20 American homes has one of his cottage paintings hanging on its walls. It’s true. If you walked into any memaw’s home right now you’d find her crying pastel oil tears into a Kinkade handkerchief in between taking sips of orange tea from a Kinkade mug sitting on a Kinkade placemat. I mean, you really haven’t seen art world drama until you’ve seen two 75-year-olds fight over a Kinkade painting at the swap meet.

Thomas Kinkade was in the news two Decembers ago after he was busted for DUI. The Los Angeles Times also reported a while ago that Thomas Kinkade once drunkenly pissed on a Winnie the Pooh statue at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim. Dude was the painter of light AND the bad boy of the art world.

Rest in peace, Thomas. Your legacy will forever live on in this masterpiece Christmas movie starring Jensen Ackles the ho from Supernatural:

For those of you fluent in Google Russian, that headline is asking Harpo who this woman is, because I had to squint like a stoned sloth pushing out a stubborn fart to realize that this is starter beard Renee Zellweger on the cover of Russian’s Harper’s Bazaar. I don’t know whether to ask “What did they do to your face?” or “What did YOU do to your face?”

Renee’s face could have suffered at the hands of Photoshop, but it could’ve also been changed out for a new one at the plastic surgery factory. Renee has been laying low on all fronts, and so maybe during that time she tucked, chopped and stretched her face until she looked like a wax figure of Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot.

Somebody has to pay for taking the squint out of Renee’s eyes. Life just isn’t the same without Renee Zellweger looking like she’s doing a really offensive impersonation of Mickey Rooney doing a really offensive impersonation of an Asian in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

via HuffPo

The empty space next to Adam Levine isn’t even cold yet (although, it never is) and Jennifer Loves Anymanwithapulse is already trying to hop on that shit. I guess you have to strike while the iron is still in rebound mode. JLove is on Ellen (via People) today to promote The Client List and she let the world know that she’d love Adam Levine to warm her cold lonely heart by pulling out and knocking off her vajazzle stones with his jizz stream. The Jennifer Aniston of basic cable made a play for Blake Shelton’s girl when she said this:

“I always have my eyes out. I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again … I’m just saying. Look, we would be cute.”

I love how she casually says “just read.” JLove, stop acting like we don’t know you have “celebrity splits” in your Google Alerts and every time one comes up, you immediately stop reading Live Alone and Hate It to catch yourself a husband. Look in the mirror, JLove (skip to 0:34):

By the way, in that clip I’m Hazel, obviously, and every Dlisted commenter is the skinny grey hen with a sitcom waitress accent.

I swear, Adam Levine is a tattooed bag of douche water, but JLove needs to stop. I’m sure pretty sure Adam Levine only gets with Victoria’s Secret models and Old Square Britches Hewitt isn’t allowed in a Victoria’s Secret, because she always breaks down in the dressing room about how even the stuffed animals on her bed don’t care when she dresses up in sexy lingerie for them. Oh, JLove, never change. Sparkle on, you crazy, desperate vajazzle diamond, you.

Looking at me like I’m a cupcake and he’s STAINS – The Daily What

But the only thing I want to know is whether or not Justin Timberlake is going to bring his denim suit of sophistication out of retirement for this special occasion? – Lainey Gossip

This Jeremy Renner public choking story sounds like the opening scene of a really awkward S&M gay porn – Towleroad

CoCo’s 9th and 10th planet ass once again tests the will of fabric – Hollywood Tuna

Rude asshole Dan Harmon is sorry for being a rude asshole – Celebitchy

Reason #1 (the only reason) to see Spider-Man: Spidey Peen Prints in IMAX – The Superficial

And this is why every fanboy’s mouse is extra sticky today – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

MiserAlba holding coffee: #3 in a series of five hundred million – Popoholic

This goes out to those of you who prefer your skinny twinks with an extra side of muscles – Just Jared

Claire Danes is a sales slut – Popsugar

This ass-to-ass is more terrifying than the ass-to-ass in Requiem for a Dream – ICYDK

Xtina isn’t wearing less makeup this week by choice. She’s doing it because Nicki Minaj buy up all the makeup. All of it. – Crunk + Disorderly

Does Google Translation have an English to Cheryl Cole’s Accent option, because I can’t read a Cheryl Cole interview unless my eyes cross while reading it in her native tongue – The Berry

There’s only one way to settle this: baked beans wrestling match! Billy Ray will referee and Noah Cyrus will provide the halftime entertainment – Videogum

And these bitches seem really happy about it too – Cityrag

The Barrymore bump watch begins – I’m Not Obsessed

If you also had to sell your 500-year-old Bavarian castle to pay the IRS, you’re making a sad with Nicolas Cage today – Hollywood Rag

Kelly Clarkson does Brit Brit (not like that) – OMG Blog

When I first read the headline earlier that said James Franco’s character in the feature film version of TruTV’s Party Heat called Spring Breakers was based on Riff Raff, I was so pissed to learn that the Riff Raff his character is based on is not this Riff Raff:

It’s the other OTHER Riff Raff who was on Vh1’s From G’s to Gents. The real Riff Raff is bragging to everyone that Harmony Korine offered him the role, but he couldn’t take it since he was too busy working out of the country (aka working three shifts in a row in the stock room of a Pier 1 knock-off store in Ohio called Out of the Country). So James Franco took the role and is shooting this movie in between taking Polaroid pictures of squirrel urethras for his art school thesis and executive producing a Nickelodeon show based around a family of turnips.

When I look at James Franco in this mess, I don’t see the “rapper” Riff Raff. I see the Rocky Horror Riff Raff (I’m trying to cover all the Riff Raffs in one post) after injecting himself with the essence of Gary Oldman’s True Romance character and gaining 90 pounds by cutting his meth with Bisquick to play a KFed impersonator in a Cash4Gold commercial. Franco is nailing it!

Who knew that James Franco could pull off the “middle-class suburban douche trying to seem street by telling everyone that he was raised in the projects of Detroit” look so well? And to answer my headline question, yes, I’d hit it just to watch those A cups bounce. I bet James Franco’s peen tastes like sour milk and his jizz has the consistency of cottage cheese, so I better bring a can of peaches.

And let’s just pretend that the yellow-weaved beauty in the blue bathing suit is Hottie from Flavor of Love. I mean, she kind of looks like Beyonce.

Sarah Tressler is a professional pussy poppin’ stripper who works as a society columnist for the Houston Chronicle by day, and her colleagues are apparently all kinds of pissed at her, because she openly writes about her night job on her blog Diary of an Angry Stripper (book deal + HBO series in 3..2..). Diary of an Angry Stripper is now private, but thanks to Gawker and Google cache, your eyes can still eat pieces of it here.

In one of her posts, Sarah writes about how interviewing certified douche Jeremy Piven for UsWeekly led to his tongue putting her pussy to sleep. Sarah worked as an intern for UsWeekly and one of their reporters sent her to a club in NYC to ask him a bunch of stupid questions. Before this, Sarah says that she wet dreamed about smearing her coochie all over The Piv’s canned hair while watching Entourage once. So when Sarah had the chance to hit that, she took it. When Sarah got to his apartment, she started to make small talk before The Piv shushed her up by letting her know that he wasn’t interested in getting into her brain. And then, he went down:

GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT … GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT – I’M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW

This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV – a football game was on mute – and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.

Sex with someone new is always awkward[6], and sex with someone new who’s also the object of my celebrity schoolgirl desire is very awkward and not enjoyable, no matter how much I want it to be. I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.

To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.

“Jeremy! The candle – !”

Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

It’s not surprising to hear that Jeremy Piven has the Ambien of tongues, but it is surprising to hear that he actually licks chocha. Here I was thinking that Jeremy Piven is a selfish slut who only cares about getting his. I pictured him transforming into a Russian gymnast coach during fuck times and yelling orders like, “Lick this! Suck this! Bite this! Hop on this! Twerk this! Don’t yank at the head rug!” I’m not sure I believe this. The Piv doesn’t care about the pleasure of others! Did Sarah have a full Brazilian at the time? If she didn’t, then I know what he was up to. That wasn’t his tongue on her crotch, that was a waxing strip and he was just collecting her pubes to make a toupee! That’s the real story.

That being said, Sarah should have her vagina checked for mercury just in case….

And to clear the image in your head of The Piv putting a pussy to sleep, here’s a palate cleanser in the form of the other kind of pussy sleeping: