Xuxa is a former Hot Slut, a Brazilian icon and has been entertaining the children of the world for decades, and the heavens above decided that this planet needed two of her so Rodrigo Xuxa was born! Thanks to reader Doctor Victor for showing me the ways or Rodrigo Xuxa, a Brazilian peroxide flower who performs as Xuxa for the school children of Brazil. My eyes are still covered in bleached hair strands and glitter from spending a lot of quality time with Rodrigo Xuxa’s Blogspot last night. It’s entirely in portuguese, but thanks to the half-deaf dumb bitch with a lisp that is Google Translation, I was able to read his beautiful words on life, love, children and other stuff:

Life: The best gift I’ve ever won could only have come from the man upstairs and I have tapped into hell;
Love: For my mother and Xuxa;
Gender: Power Source;
Xuxa: A love for life. Whatever happens, it will always be inside me;
Child: I owe my life to them;
One sentence: Everything will be will be;
Death: The result of a lifetime, not afraid of it;
A quality: I speak always the truth;
A defect: Do not lie when you need to know.

Rodrigo Xuxa is tapped into hell, has a power strip for a crotch, always speaks the truth, doesn’t lie, has the face of Jamie from Small Wonder and the wardrobe of Mrs. Brady. I bet his farts are like smelling salts for unicorns, because this bitch is magic.

Some horny bitch in the Hollywood hierarchy must have sampled Channing Tatum’s thonged delights a couple of years back. Because I can’t sneak a nip into the AMC without his liverwursty self confronting me in every trailer shown. I don’t get it. He’s got a nice setup (sometimes) but is the talent there? No, but a badonka donk bubble butt obviously is because Parks and Recreation’s Adam Scott wants to fuck it and Jonah Hill insisted on a sexy skinny-dipping session with it. Lap band surgery makes you gay.

We posted about Adam Scott’s desire for Channing Tatum’s buttocks over at my day job (it was a nice break from topics like self-fisting and which porn star gobbles cock the best). Scott rhapsodized to Details about Channing’s hams and what we as a public should do with them.

DETAILS: Wow, that is nerdy. So, on Parks, the cast always seems to be having a ton of fun.

Adam Scott: You don’t have fun at work? You work for Details. You sit around and talk about hot dudes like Channing Tatum. That guy looks like he was sculpted out of ivory. If they made casts of asses to sell at adult stores for people to have sex with, they would use his ass. Sorry for everything I just said.

You know when you’re awkward and you sweat through party conversation and inevitably the thing you say to someone is a weird reference to some nightmarish fantasy that you have about snoodling and they quickly move away to the cheese plate? Maybe that’s just Adam and I. Because that was quite a jump from “having fun on the set” to “I want a rubber Channing Tatum ass to fuck”.

He’s going to be one hissingly jealous pocket queen because toad turned meerkat Jonah Hill got to splash around with Channing’s big white ass in Miami! They’re in the 21 Jump Street remake together and Tatum told Jimmy Kimmel that they went for a dip together all nude and stuff.

“We decided to jump in the ocean—naked. It was nighttime, thank God,” Tatum shared.

“There’s Jerry’s Deli right on the corner and [Jonah] decides he wants to go in and all he’s got is his T-shirt and his underwear on and he’s like, ‘I’m going in to get something to eat!’ and I’m like, ‘No!’ So I stopped him and [took] him back to the car,” he added. “Now he’s nicknamed ‘Baby Jonah’ because I had to dress him like a mom. I’m like, ‘No, no. Bad Jonah. No. Butt up, butt up. OK.”

“Butt up”? Kinky adult baby play? The fuck is going on during these shoots? George Clooney must have made an immediate beeline for Channing’s latest movie shoot after he made bail.

Oh, and I’m not going to pretend like I wouldn’t spelunk on that ass. I’ve had liverwurst before. It didn’t kill me.

Because Lindsay Lohan is such a serious homebody who sits at home sipping distilled room-temperature water while writing the cue cards she’ll use for her comeback masterpiece role in that Elizabeth Taylor shit for Lifetime, she was at Sayers Club in Hollywood until 12 this morning. Because Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan and even a fresh coat of ginge on her weave can’t keep her from being a professional fuck up, she hit a dude in the knee with her Porsche before driving away. Take a sip of your morning speed, let it marinate for a second and then say it with me: THIS DUMB BITCH.

The story from TMZ is actually kind of funny and seems like a scam White Oprah would come up with on the spot. LiLo was backing out of the parking lot while surrounded by the paparazzi when her car grazed the knee of a dude who manages the nearby Hookah Lounge (New York Post Headline: HOOKAH MANAGER HIT BY HOOKAH!). LiLo drove away without getting out of her car to check to see if the dude’s knee was alright while stealing his wallet with her other hand (missed opportunity, LiLo!). The cops arrived, but TMZ seems to think that they were only there, because LiLo called them earlier to protect her from the paparazzi.

Right after LiLo hit that dude, he told the paparazzi that he was fine and didn’t need an ambulance or anything. But then the paparazzi told him that world famous baby stroller-hitter LiLo was the one who kissed his knee hard with her car. The manager said he didn’t know who that was, because he’s not from America. Dude must’ve found out quick (note: he Googled “Lizzie Grubman of crackheads” and LiLo was first item), because suddenly he started complaining about pain. He went to the emergency room and he’s telling people that he’s going to press charges. LiLo is only 14 days away from being probation-free and this could fuck things up for her, but that’s not going to happen.

Even if LiLo knocked that dude’s knee cap out with her bumper and then stuffed it in her cheek before driving away to rob a nearby Target of their entire supply of blue crack, nothing would happen to her. LiLo is the darling of the California justice system and that club manager is a nobody to them. When I look into my crystal meth ball, I see White Oprah blowing an air kiss at the club manager as police take him away to prison for attacking LiLo’s Porsche with his knee. “You can’t scam a scammah, wink!” – White Oprah

Here’s a few pictures from the other night of LiLo and some 45-year-old court stenographer from the late 80s Ali Lohan leaving a restaurant. That scratch on her Porsche is nothing. Bitch just took out an entire playground of preschoolers, because the paparazzi were in her way.

The Los Angeles County Health Department opened up a file for Aubrey O’Day’s dirty anal adventures and it wasn’t for the usual dirty anal adventures they investigate her for. Aubrey HoingDayandNight (aka the most famous person on Celebrity Apprentice) took her living fashion accessories, Ginger (the Poochie wannabe on the left) & Mary Ann (the cotton candy with legs on the right) to lunch the other day at Toast and let them rub their dyed doggy assholes all over the patio table. It could’ve been worse, Aubrey could’ve been the one scooting her b-hole across the table, which she’s known to do.

The Health Department rang the alarm after they watched a video on TMZ of Ginger and Mary Ann dropping some poop dust and tapeworm saliva on the table. They paid a visit to Toast and let them off with a warning: “Pets shall not be allowed on chairs, seats, benches and tables. The Health Dept would like people to enjoy eating with their pets … but we also want people to be respectful to other people.”

Coming from a gross bitch like me who once ate a chicken salad sandwich next to the bathroom on a Chinatown bus from NYC to Boston, this doesn’t bother me as much as it should. But what does bother me is that the servers at Toast failed to see the S.O.S. in the table. I mean, Ginger and Mary Ann obviously only scooted across that table to write “HELP US” in skid marks.

You know how Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian a “fucking idiot” and said she and Wonky McValtrex are rewarded by society for being stupid? Of course, Kim Kuntrashian responded to Jon on her Twitter today and tried to sound classy even though she wouldn’t know classiness if it shot out of a professional athlete’s dick. This is Kim’s response to The Hamm:

I just heard about the comment Jon Hamm made about me in an interview. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another. Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, “stupid,” is in my opinion careless.

If you wipe the bull shit from that statement and run it through Google Translation (from “Whoreanese” to Truth Talk), here’s what comes out:

I heard Jon Hamm’s comment about me 3 milliseconds after he said it, because we have this satellite in space that sends a signal to the butt plug up my ass every time a famous person or member of the media says my name! I am a firm believer that everyone should talk about me as much as possible and that not everyone takes the same path in life. But you’d be stupid to not take the same piss-stained path I took, because I’m rich as shit! I don’t work at all and I don’t even respect myself. I don’t run my own businesses, I can’t even produce a shit without Ryan Seacrest’s help, I don’t know how to write, I don’t know what the word “design” means and the only thing I’ve ever created is a new strain of herpes, but I’m still way more rich and famous than Jon Hamm. So Jon Hamm can call me “stupid” as long as he keeps saying my name!

There, fixed.

Eurovision, the disco ball fart pushed out of a yodeling unicorn’s glittery asshole, is upon us again, but every other country besides Russia can pack up their fuckery kits, go home and take the rest of the month off. Because nothing can top Buranovskiye Babushki (Google translation alert: that means “poppin’ memaw pussies” in Russian), the 6 grannies from the village of Buranovo whose song “Party for Everybody” has been chosen as Russia’s official Eurovision entry.

Just like my abuelita, these singing Babushkies, always wear everything in their closet, keep a whoopin’ belt strapped to their chests at all times and the party don’t start until they say so. Just look at the little one. She partied her dentures off! Give them the trophy NOW!