I’m still trying to get over that story about the Japanese guy serving his guests WAY TOO FUCKING ORGANIC sausage, and now Clarice Starling better get her good handbag and cheap rube shoes to Miami! A police officer shot and killed a naked man who had eaten another man’s face off. I don’t recall Dorothy and Rose including that bit in their “write a jingle about Miami” contest entry for the tourist board.

The grotesque nightmare began around 2 PM on Saturday when a Miami police officer spotted a nudie cutie dining on another guy’s face on a bike path off the MacArthur Causeway. When the officer (who I fucking hope gets next week off) asked Leatherface to stop chowing on the other guy’s mug, Leatherface declined and kept right on munching. Well, he got shot and killed.

The victim is said to be alive and in critical condition at Ryder Trauma Center at Jackson Memorial Hospital. Cops are saying that he appears to have been a homeless man, and that “cocaine psychosis” might have been the cause of the perpetrator’s nudity and cannibalism.

What are they cutting the cocaine with down in Miami? The goo from Prince of Darkness? He couldn’t have been that psycho if he disrobed so he wouldn’t get any face bits on his clothing.

And why am I the guy who has to post about people eating each other?!? Oh, who cares. DListed is the balls. Thanks for reading, guys. If you’re into naked dudes and…well, mostly naked dudes – come see me over at my day job at Manhunt Daily.

The newest (not really) trend in the City of Shiny Money-Grubbin’ Tramps is to break up and then HINT that you might be reconciling. Do it at someone’s birthday party! Or do it on stage during the finale of your reality show! Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, and her gigantic buttocks came together in Las Vegas for the live finale of their reality show – Q’Viva! The Chosen. I love that title. It sounds like they’re going to save the world from Loki, but do it in a very telenovela dramatic cunt way with hair-flipping, insanity eyes, paternity reveals, and lots of men being tape-gagged. I’m not being pervy, every telenovela I’ve seen there’s a dude with his mouth taped. Univision is kinky.

Hold up. I just checked out the show’s website, and who is the caramel sauce that needs to be on my vanilla sundae? He’s Jamie King and he’s worked with pop music’s finest. He was the one responsible for Old Lady Madge at the Superbowl! Did he choreograph the part where her gout made her stumble on those bleachers? Nevertheless – hi Jamie! I need something choreographed. It involves our penises.

Back to the boring part. J. Lo and vampire made them gasp, scream, and shit when the two judges strode out near the end and hugged and held hands. This could be a humanitarian effort on Jennifah’s part. Marc is down to bones and dust and needs to feed on her curvy parts to revitalize himself. It’s only right. He is the father of her children (not that Casper one).

Check out the pics of their “reunion” in the gallery. If I was one of those “body language experts” (is that a full-time job?) from In Touch or some other pamphlet, I would translate this as “thinly disguised hatred but sharing an addiction to attention.”

Amanda Bynes was reportedly involved in ANOTHER vehicular hit-n-run. The victim claims Amanda clipped her on the 101 in the San Fernando Valley on April 10th and then sped off. The person she massaged bumpers with gave chase after recording the license plate number and noting who she was. Amanda and her BMW ran a red light and escaped. Fuck, once she hits something and gets her smartphone knocked out of her hand – bitch is suddenly The Driver.

She needs to start taking the driver’s ed car, complete with a passenger-side set of brakes and a cantankerous-ass driver’s ed teacher willing to use them. This crazy bitch. You know the reason why she’s taking out cars left and right is because she’s always texting or she discovers tiny spots on her big mug in her mirror that the spray tan cannon somehow missed. And panics.

Also, she compounds her idiocy by driving off like they won’t find her. It’s 2012. The only people who commit crimes anymore are fools. There are cameras everywhere, every move you make is recorded on someone’s server, you leave DNA wherever you go, and people want to get on TV so they’ll totally sell your ass out. The victim of Amanda’s shitty driving tracked her fool ass down!

From TMZ:

CHP showed up, ran the plate and determined it was a rental vehicle. Officers told the victim the culprit was driving an Enterprise rental car. The victim then contacted Enterprise, who told her the person who had rented the car was Amanda Bynes.

The victim then showed up at a CHP substation and ID’d Amanda from a photo lineup. And get this … the photo of Amanda was taken just 4 days earlier — it was her mug shot from a DUI arrest. Amanda was driving in West Hollywood on April 6 when she clipped a cop car and was immediately popped for DUI.

This doesn’t end well. For pedestrians. No charges have been filed against Penny Pingleton because they need another independent witness. It’s LA, if you’ve used a craft services table, you can behead a nun and only do a couple of days. This means Bynes is still out on the streets. Out on the streets, with no job prospects (her show and She’s The Man were a long time ago) and thinking she’s on the bumper cars. Look both ways, everyone. Brandy needs to visit Ms. Bynes and explain what it means to kill someone with your car.

Baku, Azerbaijan became Ground Zero Fuckery last night when the Eurovision finals covered the air with broken mirror ball shards, exhaust pipe fumes from the most messed up acid trip ever and glow stick innards. Sweden was crowned the Grand Masters of Musical Foolery, which means that the come-to-life Russian nesting dolls known as Buranovskiye Babushki were ROBBED right to their faces. Every trick who voted against them needs to get a slap to the hands with a lapti (that’s Russian for chancleta!). Not only were the Babushkis’ dreams crushed by a professional arm waver from Sweden, but my third favorite Eurovision mess (after the Russian memaws and Conchita Wurst) didn’t even make the finals. Montenegro’s Rambo Amadeus should’ve been the top 3 for his name alone (Rambo Amadeus sounds like the name of Penn Jillette’s next kid or the name of the dog mascot of the nerdiest fraternity at the nerdiest classical music school).

The voters obviously don’t appreciate a rhyme spitter whose rap skills make Skat Kat seem like the second coming of B.I.G. and who looks like a strung out Chris Gaines. I mean, before last night’s performance, Rambo Amadeus obviously spent 8 hours inhaling the shower steam in a rent-by-the-hour motel room’s bathroom to try to rid the coke toxins from his body, and he still slayed his competition! Dude even had ZZ Top and a Trace Cyrus Monument on his stage? What more did these voters want? RECOUNT: We need one!

Lindsay Lohan’s crazy hammerhead of a father says that the absolute embodiment of Liz Taylor (if Liz Taylor had looked anything like a cokey scarecrow disguised as a sheepdog) was beaned out on pills during her SNL appearance in March. Join me now in a boisterous “and?”. In an “exclusive” interview with Celebrity VIP Lounge, the tree-jumpin’ and pussy-kickin’ Michael Lohan says that Lindsay was on prescription drugs that she “doesn’t need” while playing a Disney princess and….I stopped watching after that. Sometimes Kristen Wiig can’t even keep me watching that mess. And now she’s gone. They’re fucked.

The reason why we have Father’s Day says:

“I have to say this…on SNL, Lindsay was not using any illicit drugs or drinking but she still is on prescription drugs that they gave her. And the meds that they give her are meds that they say she needs, but she doesn’t need them. But they kind of make her flat. She’s not acting at a full potential. It’s like the screen is down over her.”

I didn’t know if you knew this or not, but the Lohan family has more talent in it than just Lindsay (*chortle*) and Nana Lohan’s frosted bundt cake with sprinkles recipe. Dina Lohan was a Rockette, Ali Lohan turned her progeria into a “modeling career”, and Lee Strasberg is teaching the remedial acting class for extras in a car dealership commercial compared to Michael Lohan.

Witness:

“And now when she did Glee I said, ‘Linds, get off the damn medication and let people see who you really are.’ And for a couple days before Glee, she went off this stuff. And there were tears in my eyes when I watched Glee. THAT was Lindsay. Yeah that was her acting. That is Lindsay Lohan at The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Mean Girls potential. That is what she was.”

The tears were from the possibility that she might have made a couple chickens that he can siphon off her high ass. Look, if Lindsay Lohan had detoxed before filming Glee, TMZ would have bloody footage of her Trainspotting ass trying to eat Lea Michele’s nose. Michael Lohan needs a job. And creating a website called “VIP Celebrity Lounge” isn’t it! Can that bus make a return trip?

Conchita Wurst (more like Conchita Best or Conchita Werk), the drag jewel alter ego of Austrian singer Tom Neuwirth.

Tom Neuwirth started his career by yodeling out high-pitched musical unicorn notes on the Austrian reality talent show Starmania, where he placed second. Then in 2011, Tom slid into casing made of swan foreskin and pixie wings, and Conchita Wurst was born! Conchita covered the eyes of many with a thick layer of grace when she sang on another Austrian talent show, and later competed to represent Austria at Euro Vision this year. Conchita didn’t get the spot, but that’s only because Austria wants to keep the shiniest diamond in their collection of crown jewels close and doesn’t want to share it with the world. Do you blame them? Prepare your ears for the puckering. You will shoot glitter out of one of your body holes and I’m not sure I can tell you which one.

And here’s Conchita Wurst making that Titanic necklace rise from the bottom of the ocean with her glorious voice:

That is the most gorgeous singing bedazzled sausage (made of equal parts Glamberace, Harald Glööckler, Bill Kaulitz and Klinger) I’ve ever seen. And she comes with her own beard! I bet Kim Kardashian is looking at Conchia Wurst and is like, “If I don’t shave first thing in the morning, and then again at 5 o’clock, I can be as beautiful as her.” You wish, heffa.

(For Oxygen)