Pass this to the team of philosophers studying the meaning of the name of our new messiah. After Beyonce and Jay-Z gave their first born the name of the champagne room at The Blue Iguana, theories as to why they gave her that name ranged from, “Hos named her after a tree covered in Smurf jizz” to “Hos are obsessed with the color blue and number 4.” There’s a new theory out there and this one comes from the mother of the infinite blue light of holiness herself. Beyonce slapped a passage from Rebecca Solnit’s “A Field Guide to Getting Lost” onto her Tumblr page and The Atlantic Wire (via Crunk + Disorderly) thinks it unlocks the meaning of Blue Ivy™ Carter’s name. I don’t know about that, but I do know it will unlock the meaning of the eye roll you’re about to make. The Atlantic Wire broke it down for us:

“The world is blue at its edges and in its depths,” Solnit writes in the passage Bey posted. “This blue is the light that got lost.”

It’s the opening to “The Blue of Distance,” the second chapter. If Beyoncé read past the opening passage, then she understands the depth behind the chapter’s name.

Solnit sees value in cherishing the desire she associates with the color, instead of treating desire as “a problem to be solved.” Or in other words, looking into the “blue of distance” without wanting the distance to go away.

File that under: Beyonce Has Had WAY Too Much GOOP In Her Life. But seriously, Beyonce probably just Googled “Blue” and “deep shit” and after that passage came up, she threw it on her Tumblr page to give bitches something to blog about. And I fell for it.

Beyonce can try to throw us off the trail all she wants, but we all know she either named Periwinkle Fern after the belly rash she got from wearing that pillow all those months or after the secret password needed to get into the Illuminati’s lair. You tried it, Bey.

I went with that picture, because reading a story about doctor molestation as told to Howard Stern is sometimes easier to read when a stoned poodle with black jellybean eyes is staring at you.

Maria Menounos, who co-hosts that Extra shit with AC Slater, was on Howard Stern yesterday to promote something or another and their talk strangely went from how she didn’t do the naked rumba with her completely heterosexual DWTS partner Derek Hough to how several male gynos have touched her wrong. While my ass got an Operation-game like shock in my loins while watching that hot piece Dr. Richard Besser (you ain’t never accused me of having standards) talk about Robin Roberts’ condition on Nightline last night, Maria doesn’t have it like that for doctors. Maria has a serious phobia of doctors and she can’t get examined by one unless her boyfriend of 14 years Kevin Undergaro is in the room with her.

Maria told Howard the horror started years ago when she went to see a doctor for an issue with her throat.  The doctor told her to get naked and change into a hospital gown. As far as Maria knows, her throat didn’t suddenly drop into her coochie area, so she was traumatized when the doctor started pressing on her genitals without telling her he was going to do so. Maria went on (via The Stir):

I was really young, so I was so uncomfortable … [My boyfriend] Kevin was in the waiting room and I literally started screaming … I was just so uncomfortable I didn’t know what to do.

Kevin told her to call the police and press charges against Dr. Molesty McSickFuck, but she says she didn’t want to make the issue worse. Maria told Howard that it wasn’t the only time a doctor made her feel extra gross inside. It happened to her several times by different doctors including one time when a dude doctor complimented her belly button ring before touching it.

It is kind of weird that Maria said all of this to Howard, but stranger things have happened on Howard’s show (see: Jenny McCarthy’s entire interview). I have so many questions, but since my brain is a tundra of dumb uselessness, the one I kept asking myself while reading this was: THE HELL? Was her doctor the creepy ass bitch from Hand that Rocks the Cradle?

These two costars from a very popular network comedy have always had a great relationship…. until now. The actress accidentally “outed” her costar when she had too much to drink at a party. We wonder how his girlfriend reacted when she heard the news. (BuzzFoto)

Patricia Heaton and Chris Kattan from The Middle? But Patricia Heaton doesn’t get drunk on booze like us human mortals with actual hearts, so I’m assuming bitch got drunk on the blood of fetuses (only non-bastard fetuses registered as Republicans, thankyouverymuch).

This could also be Johnny Galecki and Kaley Cuoco from Big Bang Theory, but I’m still going with Patricia Heaton. And right after Patricia outed Chris, she laughed and laughed and laughed about how his gay soul is going to burn in Lucifer’s incense holder in Hell before disappearing in a cloud of smoke while shouting “F U FLUKE!“

According to current rumours, the spring in Katherine Jenkins’ step isn’t just from her appearance in Dancing With The Stars and more to do with a secret fling with which LA-based superstar? (Popbitch)

I’ve heard this rumor and it’s David Beckham? Katherine Jenkins better stock up on RAID, because never underestimate a scorned alien praying mantis wearing Louboutin heels that can double as shanks.

What pop star – she’s currently on a world tour – crossed the line when she physically assaulted her new female choreographer? The pro hoofer had the gall to approach the entertainer during rehearsals, so the singer palmed the woman’s face and pushed her back! The choreographer quit on the spot. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Lady CaCa’s choreographer is a dude, so I’m going with Madge? The choreographer was obviously wearing hydrangea oil.

What married-with-kids A-list movie star has his faithful assistant help him find dates with men on a gay sex website that caters to guys who like Latino and African- American gangster-types? The actor, who has long been rumored to swing both ways, has a kinky penchant for prison thugs! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

So THAT was Will Smith I saw using the name FreshPrinceOfYourBootyHole on LocalGayThugs.com.

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil’ Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil’ Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let’s say something nice instead of making fun of Kim’s rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald’s deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician’s assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle’s mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let’s not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I’m going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I’m also going to say something nice about Kim’s nose. I’d sit and bounce on Kim’s nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. (“Dumb slut, what doesn’t make you think about dick?” – you). Good point.

I know, every portrait of precious German gem Micaela Schäfer should be framed with the finest hand carved Italian gilded frame. Bitches should have to get their bags to checked by security before they’re allowed to look at a picture of Micaela Schäfer. Micaela Schäfer’s pictures are that luxurious and that special.

Seen above with PedoBear’s German second cousin, FuckanythingBear, the pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer once again made eyelashes singe while posing at an event in Berlin for the Euro Championship 2012. I have no idea what the Euro Championship is, but I’m sure it solely exists so that Micaela Schäfer could show up to one of its events dripping in painted sophistication and sequined perfection. Remember those sequin appliqués you sewed onto your acid wash jean jacket in the 80s? Micaela glued one onto her precious pearl box. Yes, when she ripped it off, she probably took several layers of crotch skin with it, but that’s how Micaela does it. She is that dedicated to sharing pure elegance with the world.

How has Germany not declared her their official country flower?

If a movie poster doesn’t look like it should be printed on 3×4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky’s on Santa Monica Blvd., we don’t need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here’s the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I’m hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom’s favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you’re in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).

And here’s some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men’s Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a “replace tire with muscle bottom” tool in Photoshop.