While sitting in front of an FTD bouquet, Katie Couric asked Manti Te’o if he created a fake dead girlfriend to hide his gayness sort of the same way someone (I’m not naming names) might use a few dozen squirts of Jovan Musk to hide the scent of butt sex in their room after a particularly messy orgy. Man Titty O got all uncomfortable, like Tom Cruise uncomfortable, and then basically said that if you brought up Google Maps, hit the “Get Directions” button, typed his name in A, and typed “gay” in B, the blue line would go on forever. That’s how far from gay he is.

Katie: “One of the theories, many theories, Manti, making the rounds, is somehow you created this whole scenario to cover up your sexual orientation. Are you gay?

Manti: “No, far from it. Faaaaaaaaaaaar from it.”

Then the audience laugh and I’m guessing it was one of those “bitch, please” laughs. My b-hole did twitch when he let out that long faaaaaaaaaaaa. Maybe dude doesn’t crave dick, but that cardigan says otherwise. I think Zac Efron wore that same outfit in one of the High School Musicals. Do with that what you will.

via Gossip Cop

During Manti Te’o’s interview with Katie Couric, which airs today, he claims that he’s not a STUNT QUEEN, he’s just a gullible bitch, because he wasn’t a part of the fake dead girlfriend hoax and he had no idea that his friend Ronaiah Tuiasosopo was Lennay Kekua the entire time. Manti says that why would he take part in a hoax that has ruined his reputation and possibly screwed with his football career. But even if this does ruin his football career, that’s okay, because he can get a job working from home. Manti read that Debbie’s mom makes $566/a day posting links on Google. Unbelievable!

Manti gave Katie Couric 3 voicemails that he thought were from his fake girlfriend, but they were really from Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. In the voicemails, Ronaiah as Lennay, talks about her chemotherapy sessions, gets jealous over Manti having another girl in his room and tells him she was released from the hospital. Ronaiah’s lawyer says that he pretended to be a woman and put on his “falsetto” voice every time he talked to Manti. Here’s just one of the voicemails, you can here the rest at Deadspin:

If you need to compare Ronaiah’s lady voice to his man voice, here’s a clip of him talking normal. I don’t know, if I was working the drive-thru at McDonald’s and Ronaiah spoke in his regular voice, I don’t think I’d call him “miss.” So either his lady voice is that good or he’s using some kind of software. I don’t know, but I do know that I want to hear a clip of Lennay and Manti phone fucking each other. I really need to hear Ronaiah make lady orgasm sounds as his peen explodes.

And TMZ says that Manti isn’t the only dude who Ronaiah supposedly tricked. Ronaiah has feelings for dudes, but he doesn’t want to face those feelings, so he created a fake girl and lives vicariously through her.

We’re told Ronaiah used the female persona in many encounters, but so far there’s no evidence he became intensely emotionally attached to anyone — until Manti. We’ve confirmed when Ronaiah spoke with Manti as “Lennay Kekua” he used his own voice.

Indeed … Ronaiah’s feelings became so intense, he blew his cover on December 6 because it was hard to walk away. He never intended to reveal Manti was actually talking to a man … he just wanted to reconnect with Manti, but still as a woman.

Our sources say Ronaiah has buried his feelings to the point he has little emotion about anything. We’re told even the scandal has not produced intense emotions.

Well, I guess that’s one awkward way to come out, awkwardly.

How old is Ronaiah? I mean, most of us outgrew the whole “pretend to be a woman on Craigslist to get straight men to have phone sex with you” phase in our teens! Okay, in our early twenties. Okay, in our mid twenties. Okay, last week. But still.

Cameron Diaz is single, hops from dude to dude and spends her money on booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube and booze that doubles as pussy lube. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don’t see any problems with this. But I guess Cameron Diaz wants to grow as a person or whatever, so she’s asked GOOPY Paltrow to be her life coach, because if anybody knows how to rid the shit from your life, it’s her. GOOPY Paltrow is practically a human colonic. Also, when you ask GOOPY to be your life coach, be prepared to escort “Fun” to your front door and hug it while saying, “Fun, I probably won’t see you for a while, but it’s been you. Try not to have too much YOU without me. Bye, girl.“

The Sun says that Cameron thinks she’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, so she asked GOOPY to sort her life out. GOOPY showed up to Cameron’s house and after she poured all the booze into the sink and threw away all the bottles of pussy lube, she put a CLOSED sign over Cameron’s sex parts. GOOPY banished the dick from Cameron’s cooch for a full year. The source put the sad news like this:

“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”

Having seen The Green Hornet, I know that Cameron makes a lot of bad decisions and maybe she should settle down a bit, but taking a sabbatical from peen for a whole year?! How in the hell is that going to help her to focus? That’s going to make things worse. When Cameron is chanting with the Dalai Lama and GOOP in the mountains of Thailand, it’s going to be really awkward when she stops OM-ing to ask one of the monks if he wants to go behind a rock for a quickie since she hasn’t been laid in 6 months and her coochie has gone into starvation mode. When Cameron is training with Tracy Anderson, it’s going to really ruin their workout when she starts humping one of Tracy’s arms since Tracy’s arm looks like an extra veiny dick shaft. Any doctor will tell you that quitting dick cold turkey is not recommended. You have to wean off the peen.

Just look at me, I have involuntarily quit the dick and it took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence, because I was too distracted with window shopping for uncut peen on Google Images.

Ever since Miley Cyrus took a Flowbee, electric clippers and a few gallons of peroxide to her hair, semi-famous hos think they can do it too. Case in point: noted Romney supporter Jenna Jameson.

Looking almost more broke down than Brigitte Nielsen making mouth love to a bottle of Popov vodka on a patch of grass in a Studio City park, Jenna Jameson hosted an AVN after-party at Tabu in Las Vegas last night. Jenna came out with a head full of NO. Bitch looks like a plastic snake trying to swallow the head of a cockatoo.

Jenna Jameson used to look like the charbroiled corpse of a wonk-eyed iguana, so the good news is that she doesn’t completely look like that anymore. The bad news is that hair. According to my research (aka a three second Google search), Jenna Jameson was one of the first women to ever make a million dollars for sucking and fucking dick on camera. Jenna Jameson is a peen-slurping vanguard! Jenna Jameson is part of history. But yet here she is copying Miley Cyrus? This is the worst mistake Jenna Jameson has made ever this decade this year this month this week in the past 48 hours.

Rapper Lupe Fiasco has been on the Fuck Obama train for a while now and he’s known for not holding back his thoughts on the President. Lupe Fiasco has called Obama a “terrorist” who “killed children” by ordering drone attacks. So who ever booked Lupe’s ass for the StartUp RockOn Inauguration Celebration at Hamilton Live in DC last night either doesn’t know how Google works or knew what they were doing and wanted some easy publicity. Because during his set, Lupe Fiasco pulled a Lupe Fiasco by repeating a verse from his anti-war song “Words I Never Said” over and over again for 30 minutes. These are the lyrics Lupe rapped out on repeat:

Limbaugh is a racist/ Glenn Beck is a racist/ Gaza Strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit/ That’s why I didn’t vote for him, next one either

The organizers told Lupe to keep it moving, but he didn’t and just kept repeating those lyrics. The organizers finally pulled everyone out of the 30 minute-long anti-Obama tornado by flipping off the lights and turning off Lupe’s mic. Lupe was then escorted off the stage. The organizers later issued a statement to HyperVocal saying that they didn’t put Lupe on the curb because of his anti-Obama views, they put him on the curb because he was a broken record and they needed to keep it moving.

“Lupe Fiasco performed at this private event, and as you may have read, he left the stage earlier than we had planned. But Lupe Fiasco was not “kicked off stage” for an “anti-Obama rant.” We are staunch supporters of free speech, and free political speech. This was not about his opinions. Instead, after a bizarrely repetitive, jarring performance that left the crowd vocally dissatisfied, organizers decided to move on to the next act.”

The hell did these bitches expect? This is like me inviting Victoria Jackson to officiate my gay wedding and then acting all surprised when she says, “Do you Michael take Anderson Cooper to be your seat partner on the Sodomy Express to Hell where your souls will burn for the rest of eternity for making God mad?” (SPOILER ALERT: I’d still say “I do!“)

And on that note, Happy MLK Day and Happy Inauguration Day, everyone!

via Buzzfeed

Starting at around the 4:09 mark in the clip above, Krishnan Guru-Murthy of Britain’s Channel 4 News starts asking Quentin Tarantino about the link between violence in movies and violence in real life. That question has been to QT’s ears dozens of times before and it’s pissed him off dozens of times before and this time was no exception. Krishnan asked QT why he doesn’t believe there’s a connection between loving fake violence in movies and loving real violence in real life, and he was not having any of it. QT tried to shut him down by saying, “Don’t ask me a question like that. I’m not biting. I’m refusing your question. I’m not your slave and you’re not my master. You can’t make me dance to your tune. I’m not your monkey. I refuse.” Eeeesh. Bitch got dramatic like that. I’m surprised QT didn’t jump out of his chair, put his finger in Krishnan’s face and say, “All my life I had to fight…..”

Krishnan wouldn’t back down and he kept pressing the question on QT and QT kept pushing the question away. QT let Krishnan know that the interview was a commercial for his movie and to Google him, you dumb fuck (copyright: Nay Nay Semel), to get the answer to the violence question, because he’s answered it a million times before. QT went off like this:

“I don’t want [to answer that]. I’m here to sell my movie. This is a commercial for the movie. Make no mistake. […] I don’t want to talk about what you want to talk about. I don’t want to talk about the implications of violence. The reason I don’t want to talk about it? Because I’ve said everything I have to say about it. If anyone cares what I have to say about it, they can Google me. They can look for 20 years what I have to say. I haven’t changed my opinion one iota.”

At one point, QT shouts, “I’m shutting your butt down!” Personally, I think QT went too far with that line. QT should watch what he says, because that line hits too close to homo home for some. How would he like it if every time he had a rectal exam at the clinic, he heard that line from his free clinic physician AND the CDC. Nobody wants their butt shut down. That’s like shutting down a party early.

Krishnan and QT went at it for a while before moving on to the next question and going on with the interview like professionals. But Krishnan went about it the wrong way. You have to sweeten QT up if you want him to answer some serious questions. Krishnan should’ve slowly took off his leather oxford loafers, sensually stripped off his socks one by one, squirted the Jergens on his toes and let QT go to QT’s favorite place: Foot Town. QT would’ve been putty in his feet and would’ve answered any question Krishnan asked. Yes, QT would’ve had to excuse himself a couple of times, but at least Krishnan would’ve gotten answers to his questions.