Elle Magazine pulled Taylor Swift out of 4th period English, bought her a Coke and sat her down at one of the metal benches in the quad to ask her about her love life and about how she turns the notes she writes about boys in her Hello Kitty diary into #1 hit singles. Taylor twirled her hair, chewed on a piece of watermelon BubbleYum and ewwww-ed at Elle’s split ends before telling them that she doesn’t chase after boys and it isn’t her fault that everyone analyzes her songs to find out who they’re about. Yes, Taylor Swift buys houses right next to a dude she’s dated for five seconds and yes, she constantly drops hints about which boyfriend “inspired” which songs, but that’s not called “chasing” or “pandering.” It’s called make smart real estate and business decisions! The 14-year-old trapped in the body of a stretched out Lemon Meringue doll said this to Elle:

On how she doesn’t yell at boyfriends: “I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at an ex-boyfriend. Ever. I’m not a yeller. I’m not a fit thrower. If something is done, it’s done.”

On writing songs about her exes: “To me it’s just writing songs the way I always have. It’s me sitting on my bed feeling pain I didn’t understand, writing a song, and understanding it better. If people want to dissect the lyrics, that’s their right, but it’s all coming from the exact same place as where I started. It’s just something I do to feel better.”

On how she’s not a boy chaser: “I’m sure if I looked up the latest Google Alerts rumor it would say I’m chasing somebody who doesn’t like me as much as I like him – people love that angle on me. They’re like “Oh Taylor, coming on too strong again, chasing boys. I never chase boys. They don’t like it!”

Taylor Swift not a fit thrower? I bet if you asked one of the stuffed animals who hangs out on the net in the corner of her bedroom, it’ll tell you that she has been known to throw a hissy fit on her strawberry rug when her Snoopy Sno-Cone machine stops working. And of course Taylor Swift doesn’t chase boys. She just sneaks into their room, crawls into their bed and stares at them until they wake up, get spooked and promise to go on a date with her if she stops staring at them. Or she just gets her publicist to chase after them for her.

And only a trick with a 14-year-old brain would say some shit like, “I don’t chase boys! They don’t like it!” Bitch, stop. When you’re grown, you don’t give a shit anymore. You’ll ask a dude out and you will chase a dude as long as you get some good dick out of it. I’ve gotten on a Greyhound bus for some dick and the dude even told me, “Yeah, you can come over, but you can’t stay the night.” You know you’re not above “chasing a dude” when you get on a 3 hour bus ride for some 10 second dick. (“Michael, that’s not called ‘chasing dudes.’ That’s called being a desperate slut with no dignity.” – you “You know, I like the way you say it better.” – me)

Okay, maybe it’s not dripping with candy-coated elegance, but it’s definitely dripping with something, because my eyeballs are sticky in a bad way and the rest of my day will be spent scrubbing my retinas with a Chore Boy and two cans of Ajax (with BLEACH!). Speaking of Chore Boys, everybody who helped in the making of the porn iguana’s debut music video was obviously smoking from a Chore Boy crack pipe, because this is an illegal mess.

If you’ve ever wondered what a Skinemax movie would look like if a perma-horny, cotton-mouthed iguana in a thirsty weave was cast as the lead, you’ll get your answer when you watch Courtney Stodden’s video for her auto-tuned as fuck single “Reality.” Courtney’s video has a budget of zero (that’s being generous), all of the sophisticated ensembles she’s wearing were snatched from a dumpster behind a third-tier stripper shop on Hollywood Blvd. and several laws were broken while making this.

I couldn’t find an embeddable clip, which probably isn’t a bad thing, because Dlisted has been hit with way too many fake Malware warnings this week and it really doesn’t need another one. So you have to go to E! to watch Courtney’s latest assault on your soul. You should run the shower before you hit play, because you will want to jump into it afterward.

That being said, Courtney’s video is a complicated piece of art and I’m sure that the authority on all things artistic, James Franco, will teach an entire course on it at RISD in the fall.

When celebrities get accused of crimes, they can sometimes make the plaintiffs go away by having their high-priced lawyers wear them down, by threatening them with counter suits, or by paying them off.

This time, however, it seemed that the usual legal maneuverings and threats weren’t working for this famous actor. It looked like the plaintiff was actually going to have his day in court. It looked like the disgusting, private, sordid details of the actor’s bad behavior would be laid out for the whole world to see! Everyone would be talking about it…

Oh, come on. Are you kidding? You know that there was no way on heaven or earth that was going to happen! Guess who just made a huge payoff to the victim to drop everything? That’s right. Money talked and everybody walked. Or sailed. Or flew. The price of freedom? $1.75 million. (Blind Gossip)

John Travolta and that cruise ship employee whose peen he tried to rent for $12,000? Exhibit: A

$1.75 million is a lot of money, but is it enough money to pay for the hundreds of hours of therapy the cruise ship employee will need to deal with John Travolta’s hungry and itchy anus haunting his nightmares every night?

No one should be surprised that this reality star and her husband are splitting. Why not? Because there was nothing real about their marriage in the first place! He needed a beard, and she needed someone with a lot of money to support her.

It worked out fine for the first few years. She pretended to be a devoted wife, and he lived across the street with his boyfriend. However, as more family lies and tensions about sexuality and business and crime and money and loyalty piled on over the years, sustaining the non-relationship became impossible. Interestingly enough, her siblings are being more supportive of him in the split. So much for family! (Blind Gossip)

Dina and Tommy Manzo from The Real Housewives of New Jersey? I’ve heard the rumors that Tommy Manzo likes to lick alfredo sauce off man sausage, but I never really paid attention to them. But then I just Googled “Tommy Manzo gay” and the first picture that came up was a picture of Dina giving him excited sex eyes and him clinging to wood for dear life.

This esteemed, over-40 American film actor was playing a game of tennis with a friend when they noticed a couple of young men doing the same on the next court over. The four men wound up playing doubles together, and the actor suggested that they all get together for dinner.

The actor took them to a very fancy restaurant that night and they all enjoyed dining on fine food and drinking great wine and talking about sports and women.

The next day, the actor called up one of the young men and asked if he would like to get together for dinner again. The man agreed, and although the other two couldn’t make it, they had another wonderful night out at another nice restaurant, with the two of them drinking and the actor regaling him with stories about his life in show business. This happened several days in a row.

The actor then began texting the man several times a day… until one of the man’s friends clued him in that he actor was gay, and that he saw their dinner dates as actual “date dates”.

The naïve young man had no idea the actor was gay. He just thought that he had just become pals with a famous actor! So when the actor texted him – as usual – the next day, the young man mentioned that he was really glad that they had become friends and that he enjoyed his company, but that he just wanted to make sure that the actor knew that he was straight and that he had a girlfriend.

The actor replied, “I don’t know where you got the idea from that I ever wanted anything more! I’m totally straight and I just want to be your friend!” But after that, the man never heard from the actor again, and the actor never replied to his texts again.

Yes, the actor is still in the closet. (Blind Gossip)

Kevin Spacey STILL keeps a pied-à-terre in the closet?!

This C list celebrity lasted two dates with this A list television and movie actress who has spent most of the last decade in television on some very popular shows. They had sex after the second date and the actress told the celebrity what the names of her breasts were and that he should refer to them by their individual names. She also spent 20 minutes asking him which one he liked better. She got genuinely upset when he could not remember the name of one of them. He said he was so distracted by her talking about them and other topics that it was the strangest sex he has ever had and not something he ever wanted to repeat. (CDAN)

Chuy from Chelsea Lately and Jennifer Love Hewitt? Or David Gandy and Betty White? Yeah, it’s probably the latter.

Because Jeremy and Jason London are in a competition to see who can be the messiest London twin, Jason London from Dazed & Confused (dazed & confused is right) got into a bar fight, got arrested and then took a revenge shit in the back of a cop car. So while Jeremy London gets at least 10 fuckery points for making up a story about how his kidnappers forced him to smoke crack, Jason London gets all the fuckery points for filling a police officer’s nostrils with the scent of his whiskey-infused caca.

TMZ says that Jason’s road to Shit Town started just before 2 in the morning on Sunday at the Martini Ranch Bar in Scottsdale, Arizona. Right after a drunken Jason sneezed near a bouncer’s face, the bouncer asked him to apologize. Jason didn’t let out a stream of sowwies, but he did respond by punching the bouncer in the face. Well, when you punch a bouncer in the face, you’re going to get  fucked all the up, which is what happened to Jason. Jason was dragged out of the club kicking and screaming, and he got his ass kicked in the process.

Both the paramedics and the cops showed up and found Jason holding his swollen and bloody eye. The paramedics were going to take Jason to the hospital, but he got all crazy and started fighting with everyone. Jason got so crazy that one cop had to control his ass by kneeing him in the thigh. Right after Jason called one of the cops “a fucking hillbilly,” he was cuffed and arrested for being a first rate wreck.

On the ride to the police station, Jason filled the ears of the officers with such beautiful lines like, “Guess what faggot? I fucking love this. I fucking own you guys so hard. I’m rich and I’m a motherfucking famous actor! Fucking look me up, bitch.” The cops should’ve listened to him and looked him up. Because when you look up the name “Jason London,” Google redirects you to a warning screen that reads: WARNING – JASON LONDON IS A FILTHY ASS PIG AND HE WILL GET REVENGE ON YOU BY TAKING A CACA IN YOUR CAR. AND LITTLE TREES CAN’T COVER THAT STENCH.

And that’s exactly what Jason London did next. Jason told the cop that the car smelled like “shit” and that his breath smelled like diarrhea. Jason then leaned to the left, took a dump in his panties and said, “I told you I’m happy as shit.”

Where the hell was a Cops camera crew when we really needed them?! That shit show, literally, needed to be captured on video. Bitch can poop on command and then follow it up with a golden one liner. Scat comedy at its finest.

The cops spoke with Jason’s wife Sofia the next day and it didn’t really faze her. She shrugged and said that he acts like a real asshole when he drinks. Jason went on Twitter and tried to blame TMZ and the cops for smearing his good name, but it’s kind of hard to accuse a ho of smearing your good name when your panties are smeared with drunk poop:

Guys, the TMZ report is a total fucking lie. I got jumped by three 250 pound bouncers. They knocked me out and beat me for several minutes.

I would never say or do the crap they are reporting. Have faith in me. The truth will come out and you will see.

Some guy thought I was hitting on his girl and had me jumped. My wife was in the next room, had no idea what even happened. I hate Arizona

“Do the crap…” I see what you did there, Jason. And remind me to never get arrested in Scottsdale, Arizona, because if I do, there’s a good chance I could find myself sitting on one of Jason London’s dried poop drops.

The memories of my childhood exploded into a million glittery pieces when I saw these pictures of Quvenzhané Wallis, the little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild, carrying a purse that I totally thought was made from the corpse of POOCHIE! Poochie was this really hot and totally gay toy from the 80s and if you still don’t know what I’m talking about, watch this educational video.

I know, Quvenzhané’s purse looks more like Poochie’s older cousin who smokes clove cigarettes and thinks she’s hot high-class shit, because she took French for a semester in high school and once made out with an older exchange student from Belgium. But that purse still reminded me of Poochie, so Quvenzhané deserves ALL the awards for that.

Anyway, the Producers Guild Awards happened in L.A. last night and Argo won Outstanding Producer of a Feature Film, Wreck-It-Ralph won Outstanding Producer of Animated Feature, Homeland won Outstanding Producer of Episodic Television Drama, Modern Family won Outstanding Producer of Episodic Television Comedy and Searching For Sugar Man won Outstanding Producer of Documentary Feature. The Producers Guild Awards don’t give out awards to actors since it’s only for producers, DUH, but Anne Hathaway still stormed the stage, grabbed a trophy and thanked them for breaking the rules by giving her an award for Outstanding Producer of RAW EMOTION in a feature film.

Here’s some pictures from last night’s PGAs. In order: Quvenzhané with Poochie’s older cousin, Ben Affleck (wearing a special note from Matt Damon on his hand), Jessica Alba, Matt Boner, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Amazon Kidman with Naomi Watts, Julianne Marguiles, Eddie Redmayne, Amanda Seyfried, Julia Stiles (looking like a middle-aged soccer mom going out for a “wild” girls night with the other soccer moms) and Charming Potato.

Hilary Duff got some trout lips to go with her chipmunk cheeks. I think that’s enough for the government to declare her face a wildlife sanctuary – Celebitchy

JLo brings her blow-up doll sexy face and Baby Casper to the Parker premiere – Lainey Gossip

My weekend plans involve printing out all these pictures, spreading them all over floor and then rolling around naked in them for a few hours. I welcome the paper cuts – The Berry 

Future headline: Bryan Singer replaces January Jones with an ice cube in a blonde wig – The Superficial 

Ashley Greene wears leggings while checking her Google Alert for “Ashley Greene wears leggings” – Hollywood Tuna 

No. I repeat, No. – Drunken Stepfather 

The 2013 Coachella lineup needs more Charo, Pia Zadora, La Toya Jackson, Majela Zeze Diamond and La Tigresa Del Oriente – Towleroad

That BluePrint juice bottle tells me that Emmy Rossum must be smiling to get through the pain of holding in the non-stop wet shits – Popoholic

Nicole Sullivan thinks MiserAlba lied about how easily the pregnancy weight just slipped off of her body – ICYDK

Today’s iCant moment brought to you by Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs – IDLYITW

Pussies are just like us, they’re scared of Nicki Minaj’s face – OMG Blog

Jennifer Lawrence and a gutter ass wig in W Magazine – Hollywood Rag 

RiRi keeping it demure and refined as always – Just Jared

TGIF! Here’s Orlando Bloom’s nipple plates – Popsugar

Sharon Stone is looking hot! (I really thought this was Sharon Stone) – Boy Culture

Irony overdose alert! Cracked out Courtney Love says that Gwen Stefani owes her entire career to Gavin Rossdale – Jezebel

Well, Honey Boo Boo Chile IS the Shirley Temple of this generation – Gawker

Sofia Vergara and her coke-loving, orgy-having twat sack of a fiancé might break up soon – I’m Not Obsessed

It’s good to know that Leelee Sobieski wore a skirt with the same print as the lining paper my abuelita used to line her dresser drawers – SOW

FINALLY! The APP and Size Queen Gods have heard our prayers – Manhunt Daily