When you Google “Don Johnson naked” or “Don Johnson huge dick,” you get NSFW pictures of his rolled up pancake peen and articles about how his wang is so enormous that it can pin down Jon Hamm’s hammaconda in a wrestling match. Rolling Stone (via Page Six) decided to ask Don Johnson if it’s true that he can tickle a lady’s tonsils just by sticking the tip in her coochie and he shook his head no. Don says that the label on his dick says “regular” and not XXXXXL like the rumors claim, but he says he knows of a different Johnson with a wide-screen, hi-def dick.

“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ “

I know your fingers are itching to Google “Dennis Johnson huge dick,” but I already did and only got a screen full of Don Johnson’s face. Don Johnson ain’t shit for bringing this up 5 years after Dennis Johnson passed away, because it’s not like they can have a big dick-off to see whose peen game is bigger.

And speaking of cocks the size of Liechtenstein, since I post about Richard Simmons all the time, a reader wrote me once to say that he (Richard Simmons) has the biggest cock they’ve ever seen. That e-mail was the equivalent of the recess bell, because it let me know that I had way too much Internet and needed to go outside to play.

And that stoned lesbian woodland creature wasn’t even in it. This is a shame. TMZ reports that a paparazzi photographer was struck by a car and killed yesterday while trying to get a shot of Justin Bieber’s white Ferrari after it was pulled over by the LAPD.

Bieber’s car was being driven by a friend of his and cops had pulled it over on Sepulveda Blvd. The so-far unnamed pap had been following the dickmobile in his own car, pulled up near them, and got out to get a shot. The officers involved had told him to move it along for safety reasons right before he was killed.

The owner of the car that struck the guy wasn’t on drugs or alcohol at the time.

I can’t think of a more depressing death. Google Images gives ya plenty of shots of that car, and him in it. Just use one of those. Same situation, different hat maybe. THE MINISCULE DOUCHE WASN’T EVEN IN THE CAR.

Because they have more money than we’ll ever have and more rug rats than we’ll ever want, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, their child army and their SWAT team of twelve nannies are sunning their buns and The Leg in the Carribean according to Radar. Or, more specifically, at designer Donna Karan‘s crib on Turks and Caicos. Celebuzz has pics of the place, I Googled, and it’s a bargain at $10K a night. BUT they do throw in complimentary flip flops for chasing down wild children by the black volcanic stone lined infity pool, so that helps. They are being joined by Brad’s parents, his brother, his sister and their families. That’s 22 people in all. It really DOES take a village. Look at that place. No really look now, because it’s gorgeousness will be wiped out like a car bombing by the time that couch and table jumping brood is done with it.

Damn, TWELVE nannies?? Are they sure that’s enough? If I’ve got the right place it only has eleven bedrooms, so there will probably be some bed sharing going on. Since Angie sleeps in her custom black mohogany coffin and from the look of Brad’s face he doesn’t sleep at all, there will only have to be a few bunk sharers or floor dwellers. (Don’t EVEN look at me bitches ~ Zahara). No, you know they have all twelve nannies piled up like laundry on the smallest bed so it’s all good.

In other Brad and Angie news, the marriage rumors, take 5832, are back and Gossip Cop (via OK Magazine) is saying they’re REALLY for honest for seriously true tying the knot this summer and getting matching tattoos to mark the occasion since Angie has two inches of un-inked real estate left. Supposedly they can’t agree on where to get them or what type of tattoo to get. Angie wants an artsy one only she can understand, and Brad is leaning towards a cartoon character. The jokes write themselves. These two need to just go ahead and jump the broom already, because this shit got old 450 announcements ago and nobody will care when they finally Hoveround their old asses up to the altar. Hell, nobody cares now.

That’s also the face she makes when her Ex-Lax Smoothie kicks in. Can someone get LeAnn Rimes a chair, bench, curb, step, stoop, ottoman, horse statue, or patch of grass to sit down upon? This desperate bitch needs to have a seat! After scaring the stuffing out of that child that lost X-Factor (and then blaming her for it), drunk-ass laxative lady LeAnn spoke to Extra (again) about how her new ditty reluctantly references her and gigolo husband Eddie Cibrian having hurt each other in the past. “Borrowed” is about these dickheads falling in love on the set of a Lifetime movie and fucking over their spouses. A classic and dignified love story for the ages. Actually, Brandi Glanville (and LeAnn’s checking account) are the only ones who got fucked over. Falcor’s ex Dean Sheremet slipped into some buttless briefs and twerked it for the boys in celebration at the nearest gay bar. Shaved beard AND alimony? Werq!

US:

“I actually was scared to put him in the song, because it does talk about how we both hurt each other,” she explained. “There was a moment where we did have some hurt between the two of us that we had to accept and get over and move forward.”

What could the hurt between them have been? Twitter finger fatigue? STDs colliding? LeAnn got her first post-Eddie AMEX bill? Eddie confessing his revulsion over how much pooping time she puts in?

As for that song title. “Borrowed” implies that you’re going to be giving it back. Considering the current situation, I wouldn’t lend this bitch any books you want to see again.

Hubba Bubba Bubble Jug, powdered gum from the 80s and 90s!

A ten second Google search told me that Hubba Bubba stopped making the magical pink powder that turned into gum when you put it in your mouth. It was kind of gross, honestly, but powder turning to gum in my mouth blew my mind in the 90s. The fact that it looked like bubble gum cocaine and clumpy cat litter was part of its magic. I wonder what it would be like to snort that shit? Better yet, if you snort powdered gum through your butt, will you be able to blow out bubbles from your ass? Hmmm…. I’m off to eBay to find some.

I had no idea who Ray Elbe was up until five seconds ago, but I can’t resist a good dick story, even a good dick story that ends in tragedy. Ryan Elbe is an MMA fighter and he’s probably had his peen kicked hundreds of times, but not once has a fight ended with his dick being thrown onto a tiny stretcher and rushed to the penis hospital (Side note: If a penis hospital exists, point me to it so I can apply for the position of wet nurse.). But out of the fighting ring proved to be a much more dangerous place for his dick. In the video confessional below, Ray says that earlier this month in Malaysia, his girlfriend was riding him something good when she bounced too high and came down hard and broke his boner. So that’s why earlier this month it felt like my no-no made a frown face. It sensed a boner breaking in Malaysia.

Ray says that blood started squirting everywhere. Now if this happened to a veteran man whore like Gerard Butler, he would’ve put a makeshift splint on his peen and kept on a’ fuckin’. But Ray passed the hell out. Health care workers showed up to his condo in Malaysia and immediately took him to the hospital where his peen underwent surgery to repair a tear in his urinary tube. Ray says that the pain in his dick was so bad that he now knows what dudes go through when they wet hump on Paris Hilton without wearing a condom made of armor. Ray’s peen is going to make a full recovery, but they did hook him up to a catheter and he has to swallow anti-erection pills for a little while. Somebody should tell Ray that a holistic way of keeping his dick soft is to watch this video three times a day.

Ray also said that his girlfriend’s days of riding him are over and to make up for breaking his dick, she’s going to give him a threesome with a lady of his choice when they get to the Philippines (insert eye roll here). Ray said that he only came forward, because apparently this happens a lot and sometimes dudes don’t go to the emergency room for it:

“I came forward with, because I really want people to understand the significance of the emergency. As I Googled this online, a lot of guys actually get to the point where there is no repair because they’re embarrassed and don’t go to the emergency room right away.”

The lesson here is that dick riding isn’t for amateurs. It takes skill on both parts and you have to synchronize your thrusts and bounces perfectly. One false move and you could end up with a bruised coochie and/or a piece with an out-of-service peen. And there’s nothing sadder than an out-of-service peen. Seriously, what are you supposed to do with an out-of-service peen? Feed it Jell-O and watch Lifetime movies with it? Actually, that sounds strangely adorable.

Here’s Ray Elbe talking about his peen trauma:

via TMZ