Valentina, the Brazilian made Real Doll goddess who is making the forever alones of the world empty out their piggy banks for the chance to spend one night with her fully functional rubber vagine.

Dutch site Nieuwsblad.be says that Brazilian sex toy maker Sexonico is promoting the world’s first ever international convention of Real Dolls (aka The Gathering of the Basement Sons) by auctioning off a romantic and luxurious night in Sao Paulo with what they say is the most sophisticated Real Doll ever made. Valentina is more natural than Nicki Minaj, has more charisma than all of the Kartrashians combined and I’m sure she can sex a trick better than Parasite Hilton can (but that’s not saying much since even a stuffed sloth can sex a trick better than Wonky). Lana Del Rey’s pussy may taste like Pepsi-Cola, but Valentina’s tastes like Silica Gel Packets and a rubber oven mitt.

Sexonico says that Valentina’s manufactured skin feels exactly like human skin and when you dip her in a warm tub, her rubber body gets to the same temperature as a real human’s body. The winner of the auction will be flown to Sao Paulo, set up in a luxury hotel and will get to share a romantic dinner and bubble bath with Valentina before “taking her virginity.” The winner will get to say that he was the first man to ever be with Valentina and the action figures he keeps on a shelf over his twin bed in the basement will be so impressed.

Right now, the highest bid is at 100,000 reals (around $50,000 USD).

Who cares if $50,000 will buy you a night with the Lohan lady of your choice. The shame you’ll feel after realizing that you spent $50,000 to talk to and jizz inside a rubber doll is priceless.

And here’s the perfect viral for Taylor Swift’s line of sneakers for Keds.

One Direction was in the middle of performing at their show in Glasgow, Scotland last night when a shoe thrower, who is way more skilled at shoe throwing than the Dubya shoe thrower, distracted Harry Styles by throwing a shoe on stage before throwing a shoe directly at his cooch. Harry pretended like it hurt while Louis pretended like he wasn’t exploding into rainbows on the inside over the thought of kissing that boo boo backstage.

It looks like the shoe didn’t even hit Harry’s nuts, so I’m sure he’ll still be able to have little moppet children who will inherit his 1920s silent movie ingenue bob. It looks like the shoe just hit the tip of his peen. That’s not even the worst thing that has happened to his peen. That title goes to the time when Taylor Swift took a look at it and screamed, “Ewww! Gross! Penis,” before going back to making a fringe vest out of friendship bracelets for her cat.

via E! Online

My dumbass was way too hypnotized by Anna Paquin’s black licorice dress that I completely missed these pictures of the distinguished afghan hound Adrien Brody at the Tom Ford party with his girlfriend Lara Lieto. Lara Lieto’s the chick who was caught clit fucking Adrien Brody in the butt on a yacht. Lara Lieto really did win the life lottery. One day she’s taking Adrien Brody from the back on a luxurious yacht and the next day she’s escorting him to the finest (not really) pre-Oscar parties! I don’t think Lara is wearing lipstick and that make-up looks like it’s been sitting on her face for 10 days straight, but I can’t blame her. You too wouldn’t repaint your face if you were busy dry bumping your crotch into Adrien Brody’s popped out butt. Adrien doesn’t always wear a fancy scarf around his neck for fashion purposes. Adrien wears it, because when he turns it around, Lara can grab onto it and use it as a rein when she rides him from the back. Giddyup!

The other day, my friend and I were talking to each other on IM and he asked me to name all the dudes I’d sell my family on the black market for. After I told him my list included Adrien Brody, Gonzo from Shahs of Sunset and Colin Kaepernick, he pretty much let me know that I’m a kinky nose fucker who probably farts out boogers. He does have a point. It would explain why I’ve been known to Google the question, “Is it safe to use a plastic gag nose as a dildo?“

Here’s more of Adrien Brody looking like Doug with a wig on at the Tom Ford party last night.

Jessica Simpson’s body doesn’t look like it’s storing a SeaWorld tank of amniotic fluid in it, so that means she’s got a long ass way to go before she births out her surprise baby. But a source tells UsWeekly that Jessica and her bought and paid for piece Eric Johnson have already burped up the perfect name for their second kid. No, Jessica isn’t naming her kid Buttered Pop Tart Johnson or Whoops Johnson. Jessica and Eric are giving their kid an even better name. The name they’re writing on the birf certificate is:

ACE JOHNSON!!!!!!!!!!

The source says that Eric and Jessica are going around telling people that they’re going to name their baby friend Ace Johnson. Ace Johnson sounds like the name of a frat boy at a community college who had dreams of becoming the most successful day trader in the Northern Orange County area, but ended up becoming a bar back at a sports bar before eventually getting a job as a driver on Bang Bus. Ace Johnson smells like Irish Spring, Abercrombie cologne and AXE hair paste. Ace Johnson uses his full name as his Xbox Live username, because his name is just that awesome.

When I translate Ace Johnson from bro talk to English in Google translation, it gives me the phrase “champion penis.” Jessica Simpson has really outdone herself this time.

And here’s Jessica with Baby Maxwell outside of a Mexican restaurant in Burbank a couple of days ago (yes, this is why a burrito shortage was issued in the Southern California area).

Chuck and Wynona from The Amazing Race, season 500 (give or take a few seasons)!

Technically, this should be a Hot Slut (singular) of the Day since Chuck is clearly the hottest one. But Wynona chose to marry Chuck, so that automatically makes her equally as hot, because she has extremely hot tastes. The Amazing Race started again last night for the millionth time and they didn’t really show much of Chuck and Wynona, but they’re clearly the stars of the show. Chuck is the co-manager of a Walmart and taxidermy is his passion. Wynona thinks she’s a lot like Lynette from Desperate Housewives and she also styles hair.

They obviously both know hair majorly. Chuck looks like a Cocker Spaniel with a tight curly perm and  he’s like a real life Kenny Powers. Wynona looks like a more beautiful Suzanne Somers with way more gorgeous hair.

Thank the Gods of Beauty that these two have children, because their gorgeousness needs to be passed down to a younger generation.

The Dildomaker from designer Francesco Morackini!

Have you ever sexed herself raw with a cucumber and thought to yourself that it would’ve been soooooo much better if the cucumber was circumcised and had a head? Well, Francesco Morackini heard your genitals’ screams and thought of a machine that will turn almost anything into a fuck-ready dildo! That candle sitting on your coffee table? You can fuck it! That weird Sir Charles the Dog wine bottle holder from the Bombay Company your auntie got you for Christmas? You can fuck it! That branch on the tree in front of your house? You can fuck it! You can fuck it all! The world is your dildo.

Francesco says on his website (via HuffPo) that he was inspired by the original hand-cranked Loewy pencil sharpener, which totally makes sense, because who hasn’t looked at an old timey pencil sharpener and thought that it would be so much better if it circumcised that long stick of wood instead of sharpening it.

Sadly, the Dildomaker is only a concept and so for now, you’ll have to settle for doing yourself with a regular old, uncut carrot. (Or if you’re thinking that the Dildomaker would also make the perfect at-home circumcision machine, then you’ll have to settle for circumcising you or your loved one with a regular old Ginsu knife for now.) If the Dildomaker ever makes it to stores everywhere, Francesco will have to change the name. Since Pimp Mama Kris has given birth to a bunch of dildos, I’m pretty sure her vagina already owns the rights to that name.