Then Batman added: “And that wig isn’t fooling anyone. We all know it’s you, Joker.”

Apropos of nothing, Bethenny Frankel’s estranged mother Bernadette Birk (who’s name sounds like the cunning social-climbing stepmother in a V.C. Andrews novel) recently spoke to Radar about her daughter, and in case you were wondering whether or not they still hate each others guts, I’ll let Bernadette’s cuntified verbal air-kisses to her daughter answer that for you. Bernadette, who hasn’t seen Bethenny in over a decade, hissed that Bethenny’s talk show was “terrible” and she stopped watching after a week because she was “bored”. She then says all the shit Bethenny talked about her in her 2011 autobiography/self-help book Place of Yes were LIES, and that Bethenny is the awful bitch, not her. Bernadette claims Bethenny used to be cool, but then she turned 16 and became a snobby snob and an arrogant bitch.

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When Bland Lively announced she was knocked up with the fastest of Van Wilder’s sperms, I immediately braced myself for the eventual onslaught of fetus-themed delicate vintage diaper this and whimsical pregnancy farts that. Really, it was only a matter of time before Bland released a DIY on Preserve.us about curating an eclectic vignette inside your womb using antique mercury glass vases, naturally weathered barn wood, twinkle lights, and a bundle of sage to make the baby feel more “inspired” as it dances in slow-motion through the amniotic fluid wearing a crown made from organic wildflowers and its own umbilical cord.

Sadly, that hasn’t happened (yet). But until then, at least we know Bland has managed to extend her Aspiring Faux-Hipster Martha Stewart life theme into her pregnancy cravings. A source close to Bland (a talking vintage patchwork quilt) told Heat magazine (via The Mirror) that she’s craving quite possibly the most Preserve-iest of foodstuffs, and it’s Ryan Reynolds job to procure them:

“She sends Ryan out in the middle of the night for organic hand-churned pumpkin-flavoured ice cream and small-batch pickles.”

OF COURSE! Of course she’s craving hand-churned ice cream (although she probably refers to pumpkin as ‘early-harvest autumn squash’ and ice cream as ‘low-temperature sweet custard’). Although to be honest, I’m sure that if you put the words “Blake Lively” into Google Translate, the result would be a picture of a organic pumpkin ice cream. The only thing more Bland Lively than organic hand-churned pumpkin ice cream would be organic hand-churned plain ice cream (mmmmm…bland). But she’s pregnant, which means her tastes are a little more ~crazy~. Which brings me to the subject of small-batch pickles.

Where in the FUCK is Ryan Reynolds finding small-batch pickles in the middle of the night??? Ice cream I understand – I’m sure they sell that shit at the more upscale 7-Elevens. But small-batch pickles? Is there some secret 2am artisanal pickle pop-up shop I’m not aware of? I bet Ryan is just leaving every night with a mason jar, hitting up the closest 24-hour McDonalds drive-thru, ordering a cheeseburger with extra pickles, then pulling up to the second window with a $100 bill and telling them to put the pickles in the jar or he’ll make another Green Lantern movie. That sneaky hunk.

The moment in last night’s premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show when Jessica Lange graced our ears with her cover of “Life on Mars” while done up as a gloriously delusional German glamour goddess in drag as Davie Bowie.

The first episode of AHS: Freak Show was a clusterfuck of messy foolery as usual and just like Kathy Bates and Jessica Lange’s accents, it was all over the place. A few people on my Facebook feed were going on about how scary it was and how they were checking their closets for clowns that look like the dumpster baby of Gary Busey and fat Skeletor. It didn’t scare me at all, but that’s probably because I’ve seen a few episode so of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians (file that under: things you shouldn’t admit on a public forum) so I’m probably desensitized to horror shows about klowns. The scariest part for me was when I was watching the preview for the season and my eyes landed on the 2 cent cacalicious brown wig on Emma Roberts’ head.

I won’t spill any spoilers, but I will say that Abby and Brittany Hensel should’ve played Bette and Dot and I may or may not have spent a piece of my night searching Google for lobster claw glove dildos to give as stocking stuffers this Christmas. For me, the sparkliest moment was when Elsa Mars covered TV screens with drama, glamour and intrigue when she sang out David Bowie’s “Life on Mars.” Jessica Lange singing “Life on Mars” in a German accent while in David Bowie drag is one of those things you didn’t know you needed in life until it happened. Freak Show takes place in the 1950s and “Life on Mars” wasn’t released until 1971, so I figured that Elsa Mars originally wrote it and originated that look and David Bowie Lady CaCa’d her years later. But Ryan Murphy tells EW that he was inspired by Baz Luhrmann and decided to use songs that best fit the moment no matter when the song came out.

If you haven’t already, overdose on the potent servings of glamour that Jessica Lange serves up and keep an oxygen mask nearby, because all your breaths will be snatched away by the sight of her delicately drawn-on BIC ballpoint pen brows. This is the kind of hallucination you have when you drop acid with the angels in heaven.

In the span of one week, Jessica Lange snubbed Lea Michele diva-style and she gave us this. If that doesn’t make her this week’s Queen of Everything, I don’t know what does.

If for whatever reason I flatline and doctors try to bring me back, tell them to skip to the 1:02 mark in the video above and play it near my heart, because this masterpiece has given me life several times today and it will continue to give me life.

At the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show in L.A. on Sunday, Lea Michele did what Lea Michele always does: She nearly fractured her try hard bone while posing like a child beauty pageant queen on red wine and pills. Lea’s not even in that show and she was still posing like she’s the star. If there’s one thing Jessica Lange doesn’t have time for, it’s everything. But if there’s one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesn’t have time for, it’s a peasant trying hard to bring the sexy while posing in a marathon posing session that goes on forever.

While posing for her life, Lea catches the sparkle from a true star out of the corner of her eye and her entire face lits up when Jessica sashays on through. In Lea’s head, she thinks Jessica Lange is going to stop, hug her, bow at her feet, tell her how much she loves her voice and ask her to sing a song. Lea gladly sings a song for her biggest fan, Jessica Lange, and after she does Jessica asks her to sing another song and the premiere eventually turns into a giant Lea Michele concert. But that didn’t happen. This happened instead. Move that cone, bitches, a real STAR is coming through:

Lea is me and Jessica is all of my exes every time I try to say hi to them in public.

I was going to say that Lea’s bronzer must’ve turned pasty white from all the shade Jessica threw at her, but that’s not even shade. That’s a one hundred percent, beautiful diss. That’s some “Oh darling, you’re about as interesting to me as that red stripe in the background “ shit. But you know, I am a little jealous of Lea Michele, because it’s an honor to get snubbed by Jessica Lange.

Pics: Wenn.com, GIF: ONTD

Now I know how Brad Pitt feels. I feel like the richest man alive after inhaling this luxurious hot pink opulence.

The angelic hybrid of a Japanese Chin from the royal court and a Lil’ Miss Makeup doll made everyone cough up pink glitter in West Hollywood yesterday when she strolled into Trader Joe’s while wearing a hot pink crushed velvet dress and a flamingo’s pube bush stuck in her hair. I was born in California, grew up in California and have lived in California for most of my life, but I won’t feel like a real citizen of Los Angeles until I’ve witnessed Angelyne teeter on her cork wedges while carrying a box of Two-Buck-Chuck to her Corvette.

I have a Google Alert on Angelyne (because it is the law in California) and an article about these pictures from a Finnish site came up this morning. I really wanted to know what the Finnish media had to say about the pink star of Hollywood and so I passed the article through the 100% accurate translating program Google Translate and this is what came out:

All pissisten mother playfully appointed Angelyne is a familiar sight in Beverly Hills, and the paparazzi bongaavat from time to time from the street arrogant hairstyle to have pakkelikasvon roiskeläppähameessaan . Lady cause plenty of opinions both for and against .

Yesterday Angelyne happened to the paparazzi -term Entering the Trader Joesille in West Hollywood. As usual, Angelyne was dressed really räväkästi .

The 1980s, millions of men in order to become a symbol of Angelyne often occur in public places outfits , which even Lady Gaga could be openly jealous. Female became famous mainostettuaan themselves in large advertisements in Hollywood. Angelyne has starred as himself several reality shows, and also received a few minor actor roles. He is best known today that Madame has conducted himself too many plastic surgery.

That is the truest article about Angelyne I’ve ever read. Lady DOES cause plenty of opinions and is always dressed really räväkästi. But I do disagree with them about one thing. Madame has not conducted himself too many plastic surgery. Madame hasn’t conducted any plastic surgery. Madame is a natural beauty!

Pics: Splash

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