Rejoice, The World Has A New Duggar Baby-Making Machine In It!

November 2, 2014 / Posted by:

On this Halloween weekend, one of America’s scariest families, the Duggars, cackled into the night sky, because a new uterus has joined their army of uteruses and their plan to take over the world is one step closer to coming true. A new Duggar baby-making machine was christened yesterday when 21-year-old Jessa Duggar married her 19-year-old fiancĂ© of two and a half months Ben Seewald in front of 1,000 people at First Baptist Church in Bentonville, AR. Why do I have a feeling that Jessa is holding her bouquet over her stomach, because just like Jill Duggar, five seconds after she front-hugged her husband for the first time she came down with a CASE OF THE BABIES!!!!

People says that Jessa and Ben’s wedding was filmed for 19 Kids and Counting (DUH) and will air on TLC next season. As everyone pretty much knows, the Duggars are only allowed to Christian side hug the piece they’re dating during “courtship” and they have to save all that dark-sided slutty stuff like kissing and front hugging until after they’re married. Jessa’s older sister Jill shared her first kiss with her husband in front of everyone at her wedding, so People says that Jessa and Ben’s guests were “eagerly” waiting for their first kiss. Those sucio guests. If they really want to watch two kissing virgins pop each other’s kissing cherries by awkwardly mouth fuck for the first time, they should just watch a mama bird barf food into her baby’s beak, because that’s what it looks like. But Jessa and Ben disappointed everyone, because they chose to kiss for the first time in private. Since the crowd of sickos really wanted to see two Duggars kiss, Michelle and Jim Bob got up and touched lips for the crowd, which isn’t weird at all.

The couple, who wrote their own wedding vows, were saving their very first kiss until after they were married. But they had a surprise for the crowd eagerly waiting to see them lock lips on stage after Pastor Mike Schadt introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. Seewald.

“They wanted their very first kiss ever to be in private,” Schadt tells PEOPLE. “It was important to the both of them.”

He then spoke to the crowd for several minutes about the couple’s decision and asked Jessa’s parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to show the wedding crowd a kiss. “So, now you’ve seen a Duggar kiss,” Schadt said.

Michelle and Jim Bob are horny freaks, so I’m sure that kiss was all tongue and slobber and she didn’t definitely got poked by his eager baby-making wand.

I love a Duggar SCANDAL, so I’m going to say that Jessa didn’t wear white and didn’t kiss at her wedding, because she already lost her kissing virginity with her piece and she didn’t want lie in front of God. Or Jessa and Ben figured that kissing is boring so they might as well skip that shit and go straight to marital oral and rimming. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Pic: TLC/People

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