Ashley Banks Is Having A Baby And Getting Married
And now for some news that will drag you back to the mid-90s and make you feel all kinds of old. Tatyana Ali, Will’s baby cousin Ashley Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and the star of one of my favorite music videos featuring an airport passenger drop off, recently confirmed to Entertainment Tonight that she’s knocked-up. For those of you shouting “But Ashley’s too young to have a baby with Derek!” (so basically me, and maybe two other people), Tatyana is 37 and the daddy is her fiance, Dr. Vaughn Rasberry. That might be the most perfect name I have ever heard in my life. I bet daytime soap operas are fighting over the rights to his name as we speak.
As for where Tatyana and Dr. Rasberry met, she says they hooked up on eHarmony. They plan on getting married later this summer, and say that they want their wedding ceremony to “really celebrate our newest blessing.” I know the “blessing” Tatyana is referring to is probably the baby growing inside her. But I like to think the real blessing here is how glamorous she’ll sound introducing herself to people if she decides to take her husband’s last name. “Mrs. Tatyana Rasberry” is like a pageant queen, a perfume tycoon, and a prize-winning show poodle, all rolled into one glamorous being. That name is truly a precious gift from angels above.
As for that baby, Tatyana doesn’t say when it’s due or what she’s having. But again, with a last name like Rasberry, I hope they choose something really good to go with it. Personally, I’m partial to Blue Rasberry; it’s classy, it works for a boy or a girl, and who wouldn’t want to be named after the second-best Jolly Rancher flavor?
And because you can’t bring up Fresh Prince without mentioning the Fresh Prince himself, here’s Will Smith looking like Ashley, Carlton, and Hilary’s hipster cousin from Portland (Salinger Banks) while shooting a movie with Keira Knightley in New York this week.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Pantyhose TV screen!
In honor of the day when “Donald Trump” holds a press conference where “he” pulls his mask off, reveals that “he’s” been Hillary Clinton this whole time and it’s all been one long April Fool’s joke America (I mean, they haven’t been seen in the same place at the same time in the past year), let’s pay tribute to the prank that fooled thousands of dumb Swedish messes in the 1960s!
Miley Cyrus Is The Newest Judge On “The Voice”
Well shine my boots and shoot a rattlesnake, what do we have here? I never dun seen something so peculiar-like. It looks like a chipmunk. It smells like a raccoon. And it sounds like my uncle, Kissinuncle, after he’s had a little moonshine! Slap me once and call me Susan, its Miley Cyrus! This here girl can do it all. She can stick out her tongue while holding a doobie and play the geetar. And now, she’s going to be the newest judge on The Voice!
Yep, grab your partners and do-si-do because everyone’s favorite normal girl who lives a double life as a pop star – no. Sorry. That’s Hannah Montana. But it is the 10 year anniversary of Hannah Montana, so forgive me for being nostalgic. As I was saying, everyone’s favourite lil’ ol’ country bumpkin meets alien probe finger meets art teacher, Miley Cyrus, is ostensibly replacing Gwen Stefani on the next season of The Voice, its eleventh. I say ostensibly because I like fancy words and because, historically, there’s only ever one female judge on at a time. Miley confirmed her new position via twitter on Friday, tweeting, “It’s true! I am going to be the newest judge on Season 11 of The Voice @NBCTheVoice #thevoice“. (Via E!) It’s also being reported that Alicia Keys will be taking over from Pharrell, so yay for the ladies and a win for fedoras everywhere.
Miley has been rubbing her skunk weed over bits of this current season as a key advisor for team Christina Aguilera. I always stop watching when the auditions are done so I don’t know who’s gonna win but I might start tuning in again. Miley and Xtina sound like they’d be entertaining enough. I’m sure they like to try and impress each other with all the super light girl on girl stuff they may or may not have tried (for attention) during their lives. Hippie shit and questionable outfits aside, Miley can actually sing, so that’s a plus for a show called The Voice. She might not be everyone’s favourite, but we’re lucky here in the US because we get real stars for these shows. In the UK they get Rita Ora (who?) and Paloma Faith (what?) on talent shows. So come on, put on your neon stetson and say yeehaw!
Pic: Miley Cyrus Twitter
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Birdie Sanders!
That Bernie Sanders is good. While talking at a rally in Portland, Oregon yesterday, he put an actual bird on it. Bernie was talking to the people about boring political shit when everyone’s attention went off of him and onto a tiny bird friend who flew over to him like he’s Snow White. What a natural, organic and not-at-all staged moment that only happened because one of his staffers sprinkled bird seed all over the podium and stage.
But still, it was a magical moment and I wanted the bird to hop onto Bernie’s shoulder as he sang “Once Upon a Dream” as little squirrels, mice and other birds hopped onto the stage to make him a gorgeous gown for the Inaugural Ball. Birdie Sanders instantly became a Twitter star and #BirdieSanders was trending forever. This whole mess of an election really is for the birds!
If you didn’t watch that video, Bernie says that he believes Birdie Sanders is a SIGN!
“I think there may be some symbolism here. I know it doesn’t look like it, but that bird is really a dove asking us for world peace. No more wars.”
If bald eagles didn’t hate Jabba the Trump and want to eat the road kill on his head, he probably could have trained one of them to swoop down and eat Birdie Sanders while wearing a “Make America Great Again” trucker hat. I’m sure Hillary Clinton will respond to this by tweeting a selfie with Big Bird, Toucan Sam, Tweety Bird, Donald Duck and all of the Angry Birds after getting their endorsement.
But really, I think Bernie found his running mate if he gets the nomination. Bernie/Birdie 2016! The quickest way to make America great again is to put a bird on it!
Garry Shandling Has Died
In surprise news that will send a punch to your soul, TMZ says that Garry Shandling is now up in heaven where he’s saying, “I said ‘Garry’ with TWO Rs, dammit,” to the angel working the door of the VIP section. Garry reportedly died at a hospital in the Los Angeles area today. Gary was supposedly healthy and wasn’t suffering from any kind of illness recently. His cause of death is not known right now, but TMZ is hearing that he died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 66 years old.
Back in the 1970s, Garry was in advertising before he sold a script for Sanford and Son (Google it, you young dumbfucks) and that led to him writing for other sitcoms, which led to him doing stand-up, which led to him being on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Garry filled in for Johnny many times and was in consideration to be his replacement, but we all know that gig went to Jay Leno. But that was for the best, because if Garry got The Tonight Show, he probably wouldn’t have created Showtime’s It’s Garry Shandling’s Show, which my friend and I used to watch on her descrambled cable box. Fox also used to show PG 13-rated versions of the episodes. It’s Garry Shandling’s Show ran for four seasons. When David Letterman left Late Night on NBC to do the Late Show on CBS, the tricks at the peacock offered Garry that job. Garry turned it down.
To me, Garry’s magnus opus was playing Jack in Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme, but to most, his masterpiece was The Larry Sanders Show, which ran from 1992 to 1998 on HBO and got him 18 Emmy nominations. The Larry Sanders Show pretty much put HBO on the comedy show map.
After The Larry Sanders Show ended, Garry acted in a few movies (Iron Man 2, What Planet Are You From?, Hurlyburly, The Dictator, Town & Country and Captain America: Winter Soldier) and he hosted the Emmys 3 times.
Garry was with actress/Playboy model Linda Doucett for a while, but he never got married and never had any kids.
Rest in peace, Garry Shandling…and Hail Hydra.
Night Crumbs
Oscar winner Leonardo DiCaprio (I think all of us are legally obligated to type that every time, it is a law) is promoting The Revenant in Japan, and it looks like his bear muff beard is slowly growing back. The gnats and lice of the world are currently packing their things, because it looks like their favorite vacation spot, Leonardo’s greasy beard, will be ready by summer – Lainey Gossip
Wolfgang Puck practically called Posh Beckham a vegebitch who only eats spinach and doesn’t talk to anyone at his restaurant, and for that, she is going to eat a juicy steak, and it’ll be made out of his flesh! – Celebitchy
And here’s the footage from Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant of Posh Beckham eating that spinach – The Berry
German’s finest rose now has a pair of extremely elegant heart-shaped nipples. She looks like the Real Doll version of Tenderheart Care Bear – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
MiserAlba is still at the beach – The Superficial
Cover your ears, Atlanta, because I don’t want the sound of Kenya Moore’s ego exploding to hurt you – Reality Tea
The twat wig that Olivia Wilde worked in an episode of Vinyl needed to be more Sascrotch-like. It is the 70s after all – WWTDD
Chloe Grace Moretz (and a dude sleeping on a mattress in the pool) posed for Complex – Hollywood Tuna
Frances Bean Cobain and her Kurt Cobain-looking ass husband are getting a divorce – Just Jared
Another day, another picture of Bella Thorne looking like a lot lizard who just won a chunk of money playing Scratchers – Popoholic
Panty Creamer of the Day: That hot math teacher’s new Emporio Armani campaign – Towleroad
Stop singing and kiss! – OMG Blog
Unless A-Rod’s new girlfriend can bench press a Kia, he has completely thrown us a plot twist by dating against type – Jezebel
I’ve seen Sims that look more natural and human than Tara Reid does in these pictures – SOW
Rest in peace, Phife Dawg – IDLYITW
Pic: Wenn.com