Open Post: Hosted By Matt Boner’s Nipples In Hawaii
Today we’ve covered the Duggars and the syphilis rash on humanity’s right ass cheek, so I figured we could use an industrial-strength palate cleanser. So here’s one in the form of come-to-life vintage Talking Ken Doll Matt Bomer turning the world on with his nipples while struttin’ that ass in Maui with his husband Simon Halls. You may think that it took Warren Beatty’s Shampoo character, a blow dryer, a flat iron, a couple of Coke cans, a diluted Ogilvie home perm, a bottle of Dippity Doo gel and a dream to make Matt Boner’s hair look like that of a prom king in an 80s movie, but I’m sure he just wakes up and puts a little water in it. (I knew this dude whose hair always looked perfect and one time I asked him what he put in it and he said, “Oh, nothing, just a little water.” Yes, a little water and a whole lot of LIES.)
And I don’t know if that’s a dick-shaped air bubble or if Matt Boner’s got a really long peen that’s shaped like a conjoined carrot. Either way I’d hit it until it fell off and even then, I’d keep hitting it.
Pics: FameFlynet
Birthday Sluts
Trent Reznor (50)
Ryan Ochoa (19)
Jill Duggar (24)
Kree Harrison (25)
Leven Rambin (25)
Nikki Reed (27)
Karrueche Tran (27)
Tahj Mowry (29)
Derek Hough (30)
Tony Parker (33)
Rochelle Aytes (39)
Kandi Burruss (39)
Andrea Corr (41)
Jordan Knight (45)
Tabatha Coffey (46)
Thom Filicia (46)
Cameron Bancroft (48)
Hill Harper (49)
LuAnn de Lesseps (50)
Craig Ferguson (53)
Enya (54)
Sugar Ray Leonard (59)
Bob Saget (59)
Bill Paxton (60)
Grace Zabriskie (74)
Kristin Cavallari Is Pregnant With Her Third Kid
Totally off topic, but why are there so many patches of burnt grass around her feet? Did she take her pregnancy tests on the lawn? That’s got to be it. Former reality TV person and current vaccination specialist Kristin Cavallari is knocked-up with her third kid. Kristin announced her pregnancy by releasing the picture above via the Kristin Cavallari iPhone app (yes, that’s a thing that exists) with the following caption:
“We’re at it again! Thrilled to announce baby number 3 is on the way! The cutler crew just keeps on growin”
Kristin and her professional ball-wrangling husband Jay Cutler already have two sons: a 2-year-old named Camden and a 12-month-old named Jaxon. If only Jay worked as hard on the field as his sperm does in his wife, am I right everyone who gets football references? Don’t worry, I barely got it either.
I’m not good at math, but I think this means Kristin Cavallari will have had 3 kids in 3 years, right? Damn, that’s some Duggar speed! Watch out, Michelle Duggar; if Kristin keeps this up, she’s only 16 years and an industrial-sized drum of LA Looks hair gel away from snatching your crown.
No word on when she’s due or if she’s expecting a boy or a girl, but if her first two kids are any indication, I’m going to guess it will be a boy and she will name it either Kaiden or Bentlee. And then when her three boys get old enough, they can move to Southern California, open up a beach-side fried seafood restaurant, and star in an MTV reality show called Crispy Cavallari. I would totally watch that.
Pic: Kristin Cavallari
As Sandra Bullock’s Publicists Take A Bow….
It’s that time of year again when I look at People Magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful So And So” of the year and furiously do a Google search to make sure that Shauna Sand, Phoebe Price, Bai Ling, Micaela Schäfer, Grace Jones, Detective La Toya Jackson, Joan Collins, Peaches and Cream Barbie, Rojo Caliente, Betty White, Bella Mia and Jocelyn Wildenstein are still alive. Because obviously the title winner won by default after all those stunning beauties died. But then I remembered that the title winner is just the client of the publicists who won a shank fight against other publicists in People’s break room.
People named Sandra Bullock as their most Beautiful Woman IN DA WORLD for 2015. But you know, Sandra Bullock’s publicists shouldn’t totally pat themselves on the taint for a job well done, because I’m surprised she hasn’t been on this cover before. I thought this cover was from 1997.
This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again, Ten Million Times Over
According to Wikipedia, China is currently the King of Population, but if they want to hold onto their crown, they better lift that one-child law and get to bareback boning, because the Duggars are coming for their title hard.
Just two weeks after Jill Duggar spent 70 hours giving birth to Duggar #345,598,999, another one of the Duggar girls is contributing to the Duggar’s plan to overtake the world. I get all the Duggar kids confused, so when I read the headline, “Jessa (Duggar) Seewald Is Pregnant” at People, I thought the one who just popped out a baby was knocked up with another one and I shrugged, because those Duggars do not waste any time. There’s always a “no vacancy” sign hanging on their uteruses.
Today In Batshit Crazy: Sofia Vergara’s Ex Is Suing Her Over Their Frozen Embryos
And now here’s a story that Lifetime will turn into a movie in 3..2.. What am I saying? Those bitches are fast. They probably already filmed it this morning and will release it this Saturday night. Check your local listings.
Sofia Vergara and Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb were on and off for years and during one of the times they were “on” they decided to make embryos using his baby batter and her huevos. The embryos were created in 2013 and have been chilling in a facility in Beverly Hills ever since. Sofia and Nick broke up for good in 2014 and a quick minute later she wiped away her ex’s crazy on Joe ManJello’s dick. Sofia is now engaged to Joe ManJello and wants to completely move on from Nick. Sofia wants to toss out the embryos, because she’s never going to use them.