Evidence from Michelle Duggar’s latest gyno exam showed that her eggs are now ready to defend themselves from incoming sperm at any cost. – Cookie-Slore

Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):

How vaginas look to Tommy Girl and Jorn Tramolto. – ANightWriter

Penis flytrap – Flashlight Melon

via Break

Wheelchair Jimmy, aka Ms. Drake if you’re nasty, sort-of confirmed that Rihanna is, in fact, rolling up on his drake-snake last night at his concert at the Palais Omnisports de Paris Bercy (fun fact: I was able to say that correctly, but I still have trouble pronouncing Teresa Giudice’s last name). Shortly after Drake brought RiRi up on stage to sing Take Care, the two started acting like that gross couple from high school who used to dry hump between classes at their shared locker. The way Drake and RiRi react to each other says so much about their personalities: Ovaltine’s Very Own leans in to give her some bland-ass butterfly kisses like a Duggar kid on their wedding night, and RiRi responds by pressing her Barbadian blunt-hunter butt up on his crotch like her ass has got an itchy rash and his dick is a tube of Gold Bond.

Nothing about these two make any sense to me. Half the pictures I see of Drake it looks like he’d rather be at home under a home-made afghan watching DVDs of Gilmore Girls. And RiRi always looks like she’s about two seconds away from asking someone: “Do you wanna see a magic trick? I bet I can make ya dick disappear.” Or maybe I’ve got it all wrong and Wheelchair Jimmy is a real freak in the sheets; it’s always the quiet ones, right? Aaaand I just shuddered in disgust so hard I dislocated my shoulders from imaging Drake role-playing with RiRi: “Let’s play a game called Degrassi: The Next Penetration. You can call me the guy who shoots Jimmy Brooks, cause I’m gonna blast you with my semen and paralyze you from the waist down.” Oh boy, Jesus take the wheelchair.

Prince Pierced Peen of Monaco’s prison pride Princess Charlene was papped kissing some other dude in the Caribbean and this might be the first time in years she’s ever given a look that didn’t say, “Send me to the guillotine now.” Also, I’m going to file DIE SKANDAL in my brain for when I need a hot foreign phrase that is slightly less dramatic than ESCANDALO! – Lainey Gossip

PANTY CREAMER OF THE DECADE: A topless and yarn beard-wearing ASkars in the South Pole. I’d hit it so hard that the hos who don’t believe in global warming would definitely believe in global warming – Just Jared

Doesn’t TLC already have The Virgin Diaries? – Celebitchy

RiRi pulls a stunt out of Mimi’s attention slut playbook by posing in a bikini in the snow – Drunken Stepfather

Nate Berkus and Jeremiah from The Chupa Zoe Project giving us “hungover as hell in the park” for Banana Republic – Towleroad

Emma Stone’s bare chichis didn’t make an appearance on the Internet this week. Go easy when you break the news to your boner – The Superficial

I bet Falkor Rimes is the one who bought all of Brandi Glanville’s books, just so she could burn them while inhaling the smoke – Reality Tea

Why do I suddenly have a craving for Skittles and leche – Hollywood Tuna

You mean to tell me that’s not Nicki Minaj’s real hair? All this time I feel like I’ve been lied to! – Jezebel

Chrissy Snow (or maybe it was Cindy Snow) definitely wore it better – Popoholic

I know you won’t be able to close your eyes and frolic through dreamland without knowing that Hilary Duff went to the gym yesterday – IDLYITW

Jessica Biel is opening a restaurant, because she needs something to do while Justin Timberlake is off doing whatever without her ass  – ICYDK

Something to ruin your Friday and give you the sads: Liam Neeson talks about missing his wife Natasha Richardson – Pajiba

Grab your favorite cum rag, it’s Fap Friday again – The Berry

Either Eva Mendes needs to get a restraining order, or Ryan Gosling is letting the world know he’s still doing her – Popsugar

How long before Brit Brit eats her weave because she thinks it tastes like Flamin’ Hot Cheetos? – HuffPo

Crazy ass raccoon going crazy ass on some bubble wrap. I think it’s hooked and now it’ll be trolling the streets looking for its next bubble wrap fix – SOW

If you’ve got 6 minutes and 10 seconds of your life to spare and really want to see Will Ferrell act like a bitchy mean girl while dragged up like a hotter Michelle Duggar, then press play on this video from last night’s The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon pulled out that “Ew!” sketch and used that shit as a platform for First Lady Michelle Obama to come out to tell all of our lazy asses to exercise more (You’re not my mom, Michelle Obama!) and to try to make kale chips happen again. The only way I will ever eat a kale chip again is if it’s wearing a jacket made of potato chips, a hat made of deep fried bacon and it’s insides are filled with processed nacho cheese. Even then, I’ll hold my nose while doing so.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon isn’t even a week old and he’s already had Brian Williams making nip slits smile by mumbling out Rapper’s Delight and Will Smith doing the evolution of hip-hop moves with him. What’s next? Joe Biden doing Slow James the News?

Meanwhile on Public Access in NYC, Sarah Palin was a guest on The Robin Byrd Show. I wish.

The island of Ōkunoshima in Japan, also known as Rabbit Island!

Back in World War II times, Ōkunoshima was used for not cute shit: making poisonous gas. But after the war, they somehow got rid of (read: dumped it, buried it, burned it and sold a bunch of it to the US where it was used as the secret ingredient in AquaNet) all that poisonous gas and now it’s used for much more cuter shit. It’s home to hundreds of wild rabbits! Some say that the over 300 rabbits living on the island now are relatives of the rabbits who were used for chemical testing (insert endlesssadface.jpeg here) during war times, but others say that isn’t true.

The army of rabbits is one of the island’s main attractions and they sell bags of rabbit pellets, because they want you to feed them. But they don’t want you to hunt the rabbits and they don’t want to see any of the rabbits harmed, so dogs, cats, Elmer Fudd, Glenn Close and the Trollsens are all banned from Rabbit Island.

Here’s a video that’s been making the rounds of a girl getting swarmed by tons of fucking rabbits on Rabbit Island.

All those rabbits. I’m surprised that the island hasn’t sunk from the weight of the millions of butt Whoppers that those rabbits shit out every second. And when they’re not shitting or chasing after a human for food, they’re probably fucking. They should call that island Fuck Island. Actually, they can’t do that. Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar’s bedroom already owns that title.

I don’t know if that video gives me the awwws or gives me the scareds since it’s only a matter of time before that army of rabbits grows to the millions and they swim to shore and become our new overlords. Well, I guess being eaten alive by a horde of bunnies is kind of an adorable way to go.

Speaking of being eaten alive by rabbits, let’s all chip in to buy Donald Trump a plane and ferry ticket to Rabbit Island. As soon as he steps off that ferry and as soon as those rabbits see his rotten carrot face….

via Jezebel

Michelle Duggar left off on her “Keeping Your Marriage Sexy” tips that Jim Bob is only allowed to wear these. – TexnDoc

Upvote winner:

Ryan’s next gig will obviously be a period piece. – ILOVEWMP

via Cheezburger