Today In Batshit Crazy: Sofia Vergara’s Ex Is Suing Her Over Their Frozen Embryos

April 15, 2015 / Posted by:

And now here’s a story that Lifetime will turn into a movie in 3..2.. What am I saying? Those bitches are fast. They probably already filmed it this morning and will release it this Saturday night. Check your local listings.

Sofia Vergara and Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb were on and off for years and during one of the times they were “on” they decided to make embryos using his baby batter and her huevos. The embryos were created in 2013 and have been chilling in a facility in Beverly Hills ever since. Sofia and Nick broke up for good in 2014 and a quick minute later she wiped away her ex’s crazy on Joe ManJello’s dick. Sofia is now engaged to Joe ManJello and wants to completely move on from Nick. Sofia wants to toss out the embryos, because she’s never going to use them.

If Nick was a reasonable human, he’d try to get Sofia to donate them or something since he doesn’t want to destroy them. But because crazy juice powers his brains and he gets off on screwing with her, he has filed a lawsuit to keep her from destroying the embryos. InTouch Weekly says that in the documents, Nick (who filed as John Doe) claims that before he and Sofia broke up, they were planning to implant the “female embryos” in a surrogate. Nick also claims that they had implanted two embryos in a surrogate before, but they didn’t take. Nick says that he and Sofia agreed in writing to not destroy the embryos. They apparently also fought about what to do with the embryos if one of them died. Sofia wanted to destroy them, but Nick didn’t. Nick is also suing the fertility center to keep them from destroying the embryos.

Nick goes on to say in the lawsuit that Sofia punched him in the face twice, kicked him, verbally abused him and Russell Crowe’d him by throwing a phone at his head. Some source tells InTouch that even though Sofia was allegedly a monster to him, he still wants a baby with her.

“Nick has always wanted to be a father and will do whatever it takes to save these two remaining female embryos. Nick is very emotionally invested in these female embryos because he’s pro-life and believes life begins at conception.”

And I thought my ex holding my Priscilla Queen of the Desert DVD hostage after our break-up was cruel and messy.

So, let’s see, Nick Loeb says that Sofia Vergara is a demon from hell who terrorized him, but he still wants to procreate with her. Sense: This makes so much!

Nick comes from money, so I’m not sure if this is just a scheme to get a child support check out of her. But if Nick really just wants to have a baby, someone should tell him about this brand new scientific reproductive procedure where a dude finds a chick who wants to have a baby with him and then busts a raw nut up in her. I know that Nick’s brains are made of onion crunch, but it should be pretty easy for him to grasp that concept. If not, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar will gladly demonstrate it for him, because those horny tramps never miss out an opportunity to hump. Someone should also get those embryos a couple of parkas, because it sounds like they’re going to be in that freezer for a while.

P.S. – I never got that Priscilla Queen of the Desert DVD back. Evil fucker. I hope that it skips on him during the ping pong scene (aka the best part).

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